Sunday, July 1, 2012

I seriously though h was over me and I was getting over him and then he goes and gets to me again. I was so depressed yesterday I started crying again and he was asking whats wrong because I was turned with my back to him, not sobbing or making any sounds, just my eyes making waterfalls all over k's stuff...
So he tells me to talk and I said I didn't really want to but somehow I did anyways and then he pulls me in for a hug, practically picks me up like a baby and puts me in his lap with my head on his shoulder and just hugs me. Then I started crying harder and I told him it breaks my heart when I get hugs because I am terrified I won't ever get one again. He tells me I should ask and I told him I did ask, and really I used to.Then he told me he had thought I was joking, (he felt bad so of course he would lie to try and make me feel better...) and he has been nice to me since. He even slept next to me in the room last night and rolled around uncomfortable the entire time because I don't like sleeping alone. I think what had me crying was the complete estrangement I have felt here lately, and a complete lack of any physical contact, or even eye contact. He fed me a chocolate bar last night and a fry today. Didn't even ask if I wanted it, just stuffed it into my mouth. He keeps pulling me in for side hugs and things, and straining his foot to grab me with his ankles when I try to walk away from his chair and he's still talking to me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what I want now???
Sigh. 152.7 lbs. this morning.

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