Tuesday, July 24, 2012

I have to work today and tomorrow and I don't want to. I don't want to deal with H. I don't want to eat.
I am 151.7 which is gross and unacceptable. I wish the ass would stop feeding me food. I wish I could say no. I wish I had self control. I wish I didn't feel like absolute shit right now.
Today is going to be a stressful day at work. I just know it. I always make too many mistakes and I can't think very well under pressure so they all think I'm a dumb shit and the one manager will probably be there standing over me watching everything I do like a god damned hawk.
Things need to change. I need to be skinny. I need to get another job and move out. I need to get this ADD taken care of and the anxiety too. I need to have a safe place, my own place, and I need to get away from these disgusting and awful people.
I want out of here. NOW.
I don't even get paid enough for anything. To get a computer I would need to work for a total of at least a month and a half if not two in order to afford a cheap laptop. Seriously. And then after that I still won't be able to use any money because I will give myself hope in thinking that I might get another job soon so I will save it for down payments which I probably won't have to pay until months from now so I will still be scrimping like I am broke and then even if I find I have extra money then, I won't get to use it to make my life better here and now in this HELL ON EARTH.
I think if I were to get a second job, if I gave myself an extra month or so I would easily be able to make money for down payments anyways so I should just allow myself to enjoy having money from this job and try to make myself a little more comfortable. Logically, it could work... if H didn't complain about every last piece of "shit" I clutter his room with, which is mostly clothes and things I actually need. HE doesn't pay rent so I guess I really shouldn't give a fuck...
I wonder if my mom has talked to my grandma yet... probably forgot. Screw it I don't need expensive gifts from a grandmother who hates me. I'll just save up.
I'm running out of fish food though and I don't want to spend a cent...

1 comment:

  1. heyy *hug* poor fishies.. and poor you.. i can understand your dilemma to spend or not to spend.. i wish i had some advice but i am so very indecisive.. i so want you to get out of there, so i have my hopes on you getting another job..? easier said than done though :/ my bad.. love you x