Saturday, July 21, 2012

I binged.
I was doing so well too. I hadn't eaten anything solid since a small bowl of cereal because I had to work today, and then I wandered into the kitchen in "NEED FOOD" mode, you know the feeling. K was making some kind of meatball with tomato sauce in tortilla thing and she offered me one and I took it. Then worse, I wouldn't let myself think about it and went into a frenzy and cooked up six eggs and put them in five piece of bread, which was all that was left. Then I let K pour on tons of her tomato sauce and mayo. GROSS.
But I got through the half sandwich and the first whole one and felt sick, so I threw the last full sandwich.
Now that I think of it, I know what triggered me into eating it. H came back tonight. He went straight to bed and he is just as touchy as ever. I don't want to deal with him for the next two fucking days of no work. Actually, I don't want to deal with him at all. I was counting on him being gone until Monday.
So I got myself a cold bottle of water, put in some five calorie crystal light powder and I will probably force myself to go on a bike ride tonight. But honestly I don't think it will be enough. This morning I was 149.6 lbs. I was under 150 again but then I had to blow it.
At least at the moment I have a little privacy to post...
I'm disgusting.
I was sitting there stuffing myself so fast that I got hiccups, thinking how weird it was that the awful feelings of a binge weren't there, thinking, wow I don't really have an eating disorder, but now it hits, and it hits HARD.
I don't feel that I even have the right to allow myself to feel pretty. I don't feel pretty. I feel like a fat, chubby, disgusting, eating, wretched, whore. All that.
Anyone who has felt this way before, you know what I am talking about.
DOES THIS NOT DISGUST YOU?! DO YOU NOT DISGUST YOURSELF?!
Deep breaths... calming down...

1 comment:

  1. oh :( venus *hug* its ok.. i do crazy things like that, maybe you were trying to distract yourself from h? i know how it feels to be disgusted in yourself - i feel that way every day :( we will be thin! we will master our control! <3 love you xx

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