Friday, July 27, 2012

For some reason I find myself relating to autistic people, which is difficult to explain because I do not have the same thing happening to me exactly, my disorder has more to do with fear and sadness.


Watch this:
http://www.godvine.com/Mute-Girl-Thought-to-Be-Mentally-Retarded-Finds-her-Voice-1815.html


Sometimes I feel as if I have to cover my ears to protect myself from things that are going on. I feel like I am in my own world and cannot communicate it with everyone else. I feel as if I am watching everyone through a fog, or inside a glass globe. I know the feeling of having to move constantly, because sometimes I feel like ants are crawling over my entire body. My muscles get overwhelmed and it hurts in a way to hold them still because I am so tense. I usually turn to self destructive tendencies then because there has to be some way to release what is inside. Perhaps autism is just an extreme case of being human.
I really don't know what to say outside of that. I am trying to explain but there are no words.
When watching alphas, a fictional television show, the character I feel I have the most in common with is Gary. I do not like touch unless I seek it out. I do not like when people put their hands on me, like my back or my shoulders or try to hug me without permission or touch my face. I do not like when people become too close to my face. I feel that no one can understand and I am the only in my little world and it does hurt. It isn't like burning your hand and it isn't like losing someone you love, but it is something entirely different and yet the same.
When I am overcome I slam things around or hit things like the floor, and sometimes the feeling is out of control and it controls me and not the other way around.
I have a cousin who is fully disabled. She is like a baby trapped inside a woman's body. She is a year older than me and cannot walk, but will show joy when people talk to her, and will interact with toys and things that make noise. Perhaps she finds joy with the small victories of connecting with the outside world. When you can make a noise, and everyone else hears that noise, it is like a connection is being made.
I have looked down on and been scared of autistic children before, but I should not have. This helps me to walk across that bridge.

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