Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I just discovered a new safe food. I have chicken noodle soup- 1 can = 150 calories. I was stressing out about binge eating on solid foods and going way over comfortable. Comfortable is maybe 200. If I go 300 and above I freak out. 100 is best though.
Also I got a giant thing of diet soda- no calories. Yay!

Also H is sick. Know what that means? Pure misery on my part. Whining, sniffling, more whining, complaining, panic attack thinking he has to go to the emergency room, constantly asking me if he has a fever...
So I haven't slept in two days because I am trying to start sleeping at night so I'm not exhausted for my 8 am appointment for testing tomorrow. I ended up just going to bed when I get a phone call. I silenced it, thinking I didn't want to answer, but the person called a second and third time. I picked up the third time. Some girl from work, one I had to think to remember called me, sounding super sick, and said I was the only other person available and could I take her shift tonight. I said I hadn't slept in two days and had to get some sleep for my appointment tomorrow. So she tried to tell me it was a 5-9 shift so it wouldn't be right now, and again I told her I couldn't do it. She sounded so disappointed when she hung up and now I feel guilty as hell. But I really wouldn't be able to do it. I would either end up getting about four hours of sleep, or not sleep at all and come in exhausted anyways, so I would make tons of mistakes. I already make enough mistakes when I'm awake because of my ADD or whatever it is. Then by the time I got home it would be maybe... ten, ten thirty maybe, and I would have to make up for two days of sleep before my early morning appointment, or I would have slept for four hours already and been up too long, so I wouldn't be able to sleep. Either way I would have to go in the morning for a four hour testing run if not longer, on not enough sleep.
I am super terrified if I go in tired then they will blame whatever issues I am trying to get checked out- on being tired, and I wouldn't get the help or the meds I have been hoping for for months now.
But they all sound like super lame excuses, and I can only think that I should have said my doctors appointment was today so she won't hate me next time I see her for work.
I have this thing, where no matter what I feel that I have to put everyone else before myself. It's something ingrained in me from years of living a fucked up life and before that a messed up childhood. I have always put up with pain and discomfort for others and I feel it needs to stop, but I'm not sure if I am right or wrong this time. I am just barely starting to tech myself to stop doing that.
For example, I would let H have the bed, my fluffiest blanket, and the fan, at the expanse of me having to sleep on the floor, in the heat, with a too small blanket. This is something I have actually done before and not too long ago either. For some reason if I don't I feel that I am being super selfish and don't deserve a place to live.
On the other hand, this girl is probably miserable and I am making her life super hard. I don't have a doctor's appointment at the time she wants me to work, and I probably could take it without anything bad happening. But as soon as she asked me I panicked and said no. Hm, do I want to wait three or four hours until it's time to get ready, get dressed in clothes I was going to get cleaned this week, walk in the heat to the bus stop, hungry and tired, and go to work? Do I want to work with a blank mind and get scolded and mess up change so I have to give the fast food place the difference like I did last time? Do I want to be dizzy and shake the entire time from loss of sleep? Do I want to drop things everywhere? (On Sunday when I worked last I dropped an entire can of chives upside down on the floor.) Do I want to be extremely anxious the entire day and have a panic attack? (I have multiple panic attacks when I am tired and can't think everything through.) Do I want to stress out when I wake up without enough sleep to do testing tomorrow? I'm even terrified of going to the hospital for testing at this point. And I still have to get myself a bus pass and cash the check I got Sunday and get H a phone card as rent and get the application from R's and fill it out and turn it in...
And the other big question, do I want to have to eat so I know I won't collapse?
Even after telling myself all that, I realize that if I were a normal person it wouldn't be that big of a thing and I could probably agree. After all that, I still feel guilty and selfish for saying no to a person in need.

Even if H hadn't come down with a cold and stayed up all night with me and didn't have a foot injury and could go with me to the theater, I wouldn't have the time to. But I do, and he won't go with me. This is my only chance to get to see Madagascar 3 and I'm sad because I don't have any friends to go with me except for my Ex, and even he won't. I feel like crying but ever since the panic attacks when H told me I wasn't allowed I have only been able to cry once and I blocked it out so I couldn't tell you what happened.
I am depressed now.
One good thing out of all this. Depression helps me to not eat, and so far my stomach has been grumbling for hours. I haven't eaten a thing since my last post. Because I said no I can continue to starve, and hopefully I won't have time to. H is asleep because I was going to sleep, but now I am awake because of the phone call and the idiot who decided now was a good time to mow the goddamned lawn outside the window...
Sigh. Help.
"Dear Venus,
          Today is day one. It's the first day of putting forth not ten percent, but one hundred and ten percent. It's the first day of trying hard, and not taking any excuses. You have eaten well for the day, so your task is only this- no eating for the rest of the day. You will find hunger again before sleeping. You will feel empty by the time you go to bed. The only things left to do is relax and unwind, because stressing out has no pros to outweigh the cons; not even one.
          Being skinny takes work, and so from now on you will work hard. If you want to be beautiful, you must give your all. Why do you think only some people are skinny? Because not everyone has the strength to achieve their dreams. Do you?
          When you eat, you are empty. When you are empty, you will be full. Every time you are about to eat that "one more thing", take a moment to realize that one more thing could be the difference between a pound gained, and a pound lost. Food will taste like ash in your mouth, and water will replenish your soul. Take care, because when you are bored you eat too much, when hunger is not the problem. As soon as you realize food is poison, and your body follows suit, you can become beautiful.
           Whenever your strength fails you, close your eyes and imagine a scale. Watch, as in your mind, the numbers dwindle. 150, then 145, soon 140, 130, 120, and then 115, until you are absolutely perfect at 96. We will see then. Does food really make you feel better? Remember that feeling after you have selfishly eaten too much? What is food really worth anyways? It is disposable.
           There are no rules in this game, just skill and talent. Either you can do it and are good at it, or you fail. There are no lines to cross, just control to keep. There is no right and wrong, as long as you achieve the winning goal. There is no single path, so when you reach a road block don't give up right away. You either want it or you don't.

Monday, July 30, 2012

I really wish I had my music with me to exercise with...

This is how things should be.

I think I will put a sweatshirt on, pull my hood over my head and just ride out in the darkness for a while. I don't feel right...
This sends me back...

I'm feeling pretty broken right now. Nothing is wrong exactly, it just isn't... right.
155+ pounds again. How do I let this happen to myself???
Oh well. My determination to do better is better than ever!
Ah H thought I was moping because I wanted tater tots and made me shitload of them! And I ended up eating them all with ranch... I was just exhausted so I quieted down. x.x
It was food off of my food card, that he took the time and effort to make for me. I can't have him getting angry with me so I ate them. I feel greasy...
Sigh... Weight loss can't wait another day!
I would take a bike ride but I can't get up the energy without my mp3 player which is still missing...

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Okay so I just overheard H asking his dad to take him to R's in the morning when he went to work. I was sad at first like I always am for some stupid reason, and then I realized, I don't have work all week. If he stays for a few days somewhere else, that is my opportunity to eat very little. There is no work this week to stress me out, so I have a few endless summer days to relax and stay inside, or maybe if I can get a new laundry key I can go to the pool... Probably not.
I have testing the first half of the day on Wednesday, and all day Thursday, which I am actually somewhat excited about. not the part where I have to go and do tests at the hospital, but I really hope they get me all figured out so I know what is wrong with me. I need help with my ADD badly and I hope they can diagnose me properly and help me out. I have been waiting for this for months. Seriously. 
Oh fuck I just found out H isn't going anywhere. Way to ruin my week...
And I still don't have anyone to go with me to testing. I asked mom but she didn't want to. Sigh... now I am depressed again...
I hope they don't do that stupid thing where they blame my attention issues on breathing problems or depression so I can't get my ADD taken care of unless I agree to go on bipolar meds for a few months first... I HATE that. I am not going to use any kind of mood meds. No.
I have sodas. I didn't reach my goal by the 27th like I wanted to. In fact I gained- booooooo. >.<
Not going to happen again. Self control Venus. You will have self control...
So I did eat a 400 calories microwave cheese burger for breakfast (eh what the hell was I thinking... It was gross!) but since then all I have had is coffee and soda. Yum strawberry crush... I have never had it before.
I will do better. What a nightmare to wake up the first day of 2013 and still be fat. To not have lost anything. Or even to have GAINED. Not this time. I will lose. Watch me :D
Also I couldn't sleep this morning so I was playing Pokemon in the dark and suddenly a giant spider crawled over the screen and I froze as I realized it must have crawled over me, and then I squealed and jumped over H and hid behind him. Then I realized I couldn't go to bed until I knew it was gone so I turned on the light and squealed some more and H woke up and I was sitting there like, "Ew not the pillow!" Moved the pillow, then, "Ew not my blanket!" Moved the blanket.
"H get it! Ewwwww!!!" I completely spazzed out lol. Idk what was wrong with me. I used to be able to calmly smash spiders- with my hands. Then he killed it but left the legs moving and set it on the other side of my bed. I was like, "The legs are still moving! It's going to use it's two half broken legs and drag it's half dead ass back over here! Ew!" I mean, when you kill a spider you have to make sure all that's left is it's guts and it has to be smashed enough that the legs are all disconnected from it's body. Right???
I checked before going to work though and it's all dead. Few. -.-
But I ended up dreaming that a giant hobo spider was on my face. Hobo's are poisonous spiders around here by the way. There was one giant one in the bathroom the other day. But I kept waking up all morning thinking there were spiders all over me and scratching every itch like Hell in case there really was one...
Random story... my bad.
xoxo :)

Friday, July 27, 2012

I can play this over and over and over again...

Da da daaaa da, da da, da da da, da da da da...
One step at a time...
Come on girls! New Years!
Rayya we can do it!!!
I don't know if anyone else likes this style of music, but I am super moved by artists like Eminem and Fort Minor...

Where'd You Go- Fort minor
This song has always haunted me. It is my favorite song, but it nearly kills me to listen to it now. I feel like everyone I have ever loved has left me. My brother, my family, H... I feel like they all just left me to deal with life alone, without even leaving me a clue as to how to live it...

Eminem- Lose Yourself
Pushes me more than any other artist or song. It makes me want to move. It motivates me to go for it, to fight for myself. Only Eminem can help me to get off my ass and run.

Eminem- Sing for the Moment
I listened to these songs when I was with H. It was a haunting time, when I could be in the homeless shelter, the hospital, the mental ward. It snowed but he was never there to see it with me. This song haunts me. It scares me the way I am, the way I have lived life. It makes me feel alone, because I am. This song makes food my life's evil. I WILL NOT EAT.

I once had a journal that I kept at one point that revolved around my eating issues. I would talk about calories and weight and that need I felt inside me to withdraw and not speak, to deal with things with dreams of bones and being cold in the summer.
Each time I wrote in it, as it could be every hour to check in, I would say if I had eaten or not, and I would count the calories and write how much I wanted myself to exercise to make up for it. I would always make it an extreme amount that I could never do, but I would try anyways. And each time I checked in, I would end the entry with I WILL NOT EAT.
Sometimes entire pages were filled with just me telling myself, I WILL NOT EAT. I HAVE SELF CONTROL. I AM STRONG. I WILL NOT EAT. I would always write them in caps.

Eminem- Till I Collapse
Here is another of my favorites. I couldn't find if there was an official video for it so this one just has lyrics, but I hope you still enjoy it.
Hey, I saw a pic of nail polish and totally thought I should make a post, especially as Rayya loves them so much. (Love you Rayya!!!)
These are the crayola scented ones I bought a while ago.

I have only tried the green and the orange but omg the orange smells wonderful!!! I can't wear nail polish now because my job won't allow it. :(

Knowing little about nail polish brands, my favorite is actually Pure ice nail polish. I have something with ice and the sparkles are sooo nice.

Pure Ice does many colors but I am finding I am a huge fan of nail polish in cool blues.

I just realized how to do this lol. I love it!

I have always been in love with this magical ocean like color. I just can't get enough of it...

Oh jeez I need a new job so I can get nail polish for myself for the first time in years and be able to actually wear it... I can still buy them though hehe... No, Venus, save up for computer first... >.<
They aren't that expensive Venus...

There is just something about a good cool red... Anyone who knows about color, should know what I mean. I am not a fan of warm reds, but cool reds like this? Sigh...

Only one more so I don't get carried away... If I could binge on nail polish my food card would be so empty right now...

All done- for now.
For some reason I find myself relating to autistic people, which is difficult to explain because I do not have the same thing happening to me exactly, my disorder has more to do with fear and sadness.

Watch this:

Sometimes I feel as if I have to cover my ears to protect myself from things that are going on. I feel like I am in my own world and cannot communicate it with everyone else. I feel as if I am watching everyone through a fog, or inside a glass globe. I know the feeling of having to move constantly, because sometimes I feel like ants are crawling over my entire body. My muscles get overwhelmed and it hurts in a way to hold them still because I am so tense. I usually turn to self destructive tendencies then because there has to be some way to release what is inside. Perhaps autism is just an extreme case of being human.
I really don't know what to say outside of that. I am trying to explain but there are no words.
When watching alphas, a fictional television show, the character I feel I have the most in common with is Gary. I do not like touch unless I seek it out. I do not like when people put their hands on me, like my back or my shoulders or try to hug me without permission or touch my face. I do not like when people become too close to my face. I feel that no one can understand and I am the only in my little world and it does hurt. It isn't like burning your hand and it isn't like losing someone you love, but it is something entirely different and yet the same.
When I am overcome I slam things around or hit things like the floor, and sometimes the feeling is out of control and it controls me and not the other way around.
I have a cousin who is fully disabled. She is like a baby trapped inside a woman's body. She is a year older than me and cannot walk, but will show joy when people talk to her, and will interact with toys and things that make noise. Perhaps she finds joy with the small victories of connecting with the outside world. When you can make a noise, and everyone else hears that noise, it is like a connection is being made.
I have looked down on and been scared of autistic children before, but I should not have. This helps me to walk across that bridge.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

H decided to go to R's tomorrow which I really don't mind either way because I don't know what to think now, but he said he would be back after gaming on Saturday which is somewhat believable. Also I have seen R's apartment and I know how disgusting it is, and know H won't be enjoying that at all as he has made it clear. The bathroom has toilet paper and waste on the floor, hair all over the sink and the mirror and the cat litter int here needs cleaned... The kitchen has molding, rotting food everywhere and no clean dishes, food half opened and left spilled all over the stove and the floor... The living room has trash everywhere and pizza crusts and it smells like a sewer in that apartment.
He actually offered to go there to see if R has stolen my mp3. He said he could make it "disappear".
The funny thing is, R would probably post on Facebook that someone stole his "new" mp3 player. If he did, I would just post "weird, someone stole mine too... Maybe there is an mp3 thief around..."
Idk if he really did steal it or not though. I hope he didn't in a way because that would mean I would have to hold down a lot of anger and revulsion at him. As long as I live here, it is best if I stay nice and unassuming or my things could go missing or mysteriously break, and rumors could spread... more than they already do thanks to R...
On the other hand, I do hope he took it because otherwise it got stolen by someone else and I will never get it back. Or it is seriously missing in this apartment, and judging by how hard I have been searching for it... I'm screwed.
I just know that the last time I saw it was when I put it down after my bike ride when R was here last. And H said that R was complaining about his mp3 dying or something. Sigh. If R took it, all my music was wiped and my new headphones are gone. Not cool.
I thought H was over me and then I found out different and I'm not sure where to go from there. Also he has been nicer than ever the last few days, in a way that scares me. Nothing can or will happen until either he gets a job or we get out or both.
To be honest, the most logical candidate for a roommate is actually H. This is because I know he won't invite friends or other untrustworthy people over, he respects my privacy more than anyone I know, and he does not steal things. Also, it would be my apartment, my rules. But first I have to get another job...
Gah my life...
So, earlier I decided to call work to see what my schedule was. The boss lady got very angry with me and starting yelling about how I'm not supposed to call and check my work schedule because if someone gives it to me wrong it's my fault and my responsibility, and then she went on about how it wasted people's times. She didn't mention what she wanted me to do instead, but she said I was not allowed to do it again.
So wtf???
Does she want me to go all the way to work on Thursdays to check what days I work??? Does she want me to show up in whatever outfit and walk into the back to check it with my own two eyes???
I can't just walk into the work place without work wear on, but I don't work that day so what's the point? Am I supposed to ask the front desk person to check my schedule? That wastes people's time too. Another employee told me it was okay to call and check my schedule if I don't work that day. She said she does it...
So what's going on here???
I did not know what day I even work next so it was impossible to just check the next time I went in to work. So I panicked a bit. Now I am even wondering what to do about my paycheck. Am I supposed to go in tomorrow on another day I don't work to get it? Or is it okay to wait until Sunday when I work next???
I had just finished binge eating when I called so I stressed out, and binge ate more. I haven't been pushed to an anxiety attack for a few weeks and I hate that this woman, if you should even call her that, can stress me out so much that I panic. I hate that she talks down to me in such a disrespectful tone.
I really honestly don't know what to do. I asked H but he didn't have any suggestions so now I feel sick not knowing what to do. Most places post work schedules online. This place does not.
I want a fucking set schedule. I hate working on any day they tell me to the week before. I can't make doctor's appointments or make plans with friends. I have been working three days a week, but never on the same days. I have worked at least once on every fucking day for the week. This job sucks. But I have to put up with it...
I want to die. This is miserable...
I am having a great time with H and a horrible time with food. I haven't binged like this in at least a year. I am going to gain so many pounds overnight that I worked so hard to lose...
Nothing even set me off emotionally. Just for some reason my appetite has come back and has been pushing me mercilessly towards food...
I am so confused right now...

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Kitty for you day :D

I am kind of worried about my little sister...
I called my mom earlier and of course, they are at a family reunion out of state and I was asking if I they could get me a $30 bus pass, and of course, my mom said I would have to pay for it myself because things would be "tight" for them. I hate that my mom is spending hundreds of dollars to adopt some kid I have never met and has no relation to me or them and won't give me a cent because it's all going towards my mom's unhealthy obsession to keep a baby in her arms. There's a word for it and it is an actual condition that she may actually have but no one gives a damn.
"Oh she's adopting? How nice!" As if it's a charity- HA.
Also she mentioned there's a bump almost like a bug bite near my little sister's eye and it's swollen. It's more than likely a spider bite I would say but no. It can't be that serious or my mom would have to actually put effort forth to do something about it. And I say this because, my mom says she is also sick. Not with a cold or the flu, sick as in hot and cold flashes and a fever. Does a red light turn on in anyone else's head right now?
"It's probably just a mosquito bite. And they are totally unrelated, the fever and the bug bite..." I don't believe that for a moment. A fever? I told her she should get it checked out. She didn't.
"Mom," I told her, "We have several cousins and relatives there who have some kind of medical degree. You should at least ask one of them to look her over."
"No, it's okay. I looked online and it seems fine." Sigh. Stupid mom. I love her, but really?!
It would cost her nothing to have someone else look. I'm just pissed either no one else has noticed what is going on, or no one else has done anything about it. I may be worked up over nothing and overreacting, but if she was my child, I would have her looked over, even if it was just by a friend to get a second opinion. My mom says she will probably ask someone if it gets worse, "but it hasn't gotten worse yet" she says. How would she know??? The fact that no one else has "caught" it yet tells me it is something non contagious that could need some looking into.
This sister is about nine years old, pale as a ghost, and is basically a skeleton. She's the same sister who I think could have a learning disorder because she stutters and just doesn't seem to understand things especially socially as well as her younger sister. That's a warning sign to me. Also, she is underweight and talks about being skinny which scares me. One time I was so freaked out when she said it I told her she might be too skinny and should try to eat more. H also believes that she is extremely underweight for her age, which makes me feel as if my suspicions aren't just irrational worries. I have pointed it out to my mom a ridiculous amount of times but my mom gets angry and offensive and once she said she took her to the doctor and the doctor said she was fine- both in weight and in mind. I don't know if she just said that to get me off her back or if she was telling the truth, but I am still sensing something is not right there. My entire family is predisposed genetically from both parents towards obesity. The two sisters younger than her are probably at least a little chubby for their weight, although that isn't a worry to me, and all her older sisters are fairly normal, or at least not skeletons. I might worry some about one of the twins, but even she doesn't look like this.
Bipolar disorder, ADD in both females and males, dyslexia, depression, and autism all run in the family. My older brother has aspergers, and both of my older brothers and my next youngest sister had been diagnosed with ADD. Both parents and some of the siblings just mentioned are on depression meds. Most of my aunts and uncles are considered obese, some morbidly. My dad has dyslexia...
You see why my worries aren't completely unfounded?
I myself am going in for testing next week. I have already been diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder. I am trying to see if I have adulthood ADD. I may have something aside from that too. Also, I believe a lactose intolerance and celiac's disease are common in our family. My dad was diagnosed with lactose intolerance. My mom still refuses to believe I have that and celiac's disease, which I have not been tested for but I am pretty certain I have.
Anyways, I am really hoping nothing bad happens to my little sister. My mom needs a wake up call, but I don't think she would get it even if one of us died. I am afraid one of us will die from her negligence. I am scared for my sisters.
I am terrified one of my sisters will also pick up an eating disorder. My next youngest sister already had to deal with childhood obesity and had eating issues that made her larger not smaller. She has ADD medication now though, and it helps her to lose weight and eat less and healthier. I'm not worried about her getting a disorder at all. I know her too well.
My other sisters, though... one can never tell. I am always looking for signs in my smaller sisters, because if the nine year old is this small now and talks about how proud she is to be skinny and who is fat in the family... I would be less worried honestly if she developed an eating disorder at an older age.
I have noticed the girls who start out at seven or eight who have one, they grow into a woman with the habits becoming firmly ingrained at that age. Then they are the ones who become the smallest and are probably the sickest. I feel that the later you get an eating disorder in life, the less severe it is, but that might just be me.
As hard as it is to watch a woman live with an eating disorder, it is absolutely painful to see a child with it.
I have to work today and tomorrow and I don't want to. I don't want to deal with H. I don't want to eat.
I am 151.7 which is gross and unacceptable. I wish the ass would stop feeding me food. I wish I could say no. I wish I had self control. I wish I didn't feel like absolute shit right now.
Today is going to be a stressful day at work. I just know it. I always make too many mistakes and I can't think very well under pressure so they all think I'm a dumb shit and the one manager will probably be there standing over me watching everything I do like a god damned hawk.
Things need to change. I need to be skinny. I need to get another job and move out. I need to get this ADD taken care of and the anxiety too. I need to have a safe place, my own place, and I need to get away from these disgusting and awful people.
I want out of here. NOW.
I don't even get paid enough for anything. To get a computer I would need to work for a total of at least a month and a half if not two in order to afford a cheap laptop. Seriously. And then after that I still won't be able to use any money because I will give myself hope in thinking that I might get another job soon so I will save it for down payments which I probably won't have to pay until months from now so I will still be scrimping like I am broke and then even if I find I have extra money then, I won't get to use it to make my life better here and now in this HELL ON EARTH.
I think if I were to get a second job, if I gave myself an extra month or so I would easily be able to make money for down payments anyways so I should just allow myself to enjoy having money from this job and try to make myself a little more comfortable. Logically, it could work... if H didn't complain about every last piece of "shit" I clutter his room with, which is mostly clothes and things I actually need. HE doesn't pay rent so I guess I really shouldn't give a fuck...
I wonder if my mom has talked to my grandma yet... probably forgot. Screw it I don't need expensive gifts from a grandmother who hates me. I'll just save up.
I'm running out of fish food though and I don't want to spend a cent...

Monday, July 23, 2012

I have already eaten today but I think after I check my Facebook I will just go back in the room with a bottle of water and play some Pokemon. I don't love the game but I love to collect and who am I kidding. I love Pokemon! It reminds me of my brother. I miss him. I haven't seen him in two years and we never get to talk anymore... I only have one or two games... wait no I have the old Yellow with pikachu, and gold, not heart gold just gold, and I have pearl but nothing to play that one on, and right now I am playing Ruby because it has all my favorites like gardevoir.

That's gardevoir.^
And who can't love pikachu???

There's pikachu^ The baby form is pretty cute too, pichu \/

Sorry if no one who is reading this likes Pokemon lol, but I do. It's another side hobby, not essential to my life, but still somewhat enjoyable. My entire life isn't about my eating disorder after all. It can't be.

That is skitty^
Roselia \/



Those are all from ruby version. I'm not an expert by any means. I don't know half the pokemon just the ones I like and play...


Hope you like these. They are the prettiest and the cutest. I love how they base them off of real animals.
Karma will hit.
I will be a flawless.
No curves
No calories
Yet still a goddess.

The smallest clothes
Hanging on my bones
In beauty, for always
No regrets behind me.

All eyes on me
Nothing else to see
Death take my victory

But breathe my story
Each breath controlled
And let the truth
Unbeknownst, unfold
This is perfection
Infinite nothing
Full on dreams
Under ana's protection
Losing to succeed

I will be skinny, thin, and beautiful.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Thanks to yesterday's binge I gained a pound since yesterday, but it will be gone soon. I have so much strength lately, even with H here I still have it. I know I can lose fast. I have lost twenty pounds since last August. If I can lose twenty more by next year, new year, I would be so happy. I know myself so well now. I know my body too well. The fear of gaining usually keeps me in check. I have never gained more than five pounds at a time so it's really not that big of a deal. I have never gained all of it back before, and I don't think I ever will. This is the first time hitting all these low weights for me. I WILL succeed. It isn't a matter of thinking I might win this war, I know I will win it, one battle at a time.

Thank you all for the comments. I am amazed that my little narrative inspired so much. I just heard a song that made me feel like writing and put whatever was in my head down. I was actually nervous about publishing it. I really should get back into writing but there is not enough inspiration for me to come up with a character or a story line that would suit my cravings enough to go on for very long. Thanks girls!
The world fell into war. It was the rich against the poor, brother fighting brother, the scared going into hiding, and no one could be happy. No one could feel safe. No one was safe. The people fell into two factions, the big against the small, in that the larger felt that they were justified in stuffing their faces, finding comfort in their food, and live a generally uncaring life in relation to their health and their bodies. The smaller felt that such beasts had no self respect, no pride, and that the stronger, would be smaller, toned, tiny, and beautiful.

In reality,, the large were very unhappy with their bodies, writhing in their fear of themselves. They could not change themselves, no matter how they tried. Most days they found enough strength to look past the mirror and tell themselves it was what was inside that counted. But what ate away at their insides would come to show on their outsides.
"I look fine."
"I can't lose weight."
"I am happy the way I am. I have to be."

The smaller were even unhappier with their bodies, small as they were, because they had all been larger at some point. They were scared of being associated with the big. They were scared of a pound of fat, of food, and more than anything, of themselves. They would build themselves up with goals and encouragements, but try as they might, they had as much success as the bigger people.
"Skinny is perfection."
"I will succeed."
"I am disgusting. I can do better than this."

Neither side could view the other, even as traitors would shift from side to side.

One of the little people grew trapped by her lifestyle and fell into agony. Each night she would be forced to eat, forced to gain, and soon she was shoved from the skinny's, and taken in by the bigger.
"It's alright Mia," They told her. "Bigger is better. You are beautiful just the way you are." But at the end of the day, each alone to face his or her body in the mirror, in bed, in their dreams, they could not be content. No matter what they said aloud, no matter what they tried to convince themselves, a nagging voice that each of them individually knew differently, would tell them what they were. They fought what they were, with all the might in their overworked hearts.

One of the big people became extremely depressed. Suddenly food held no comfort. It meant nothing, she tasted nothing. When she realized what it caused in her body, she started to weigh herself weekly, and then daily. She started to obsess about what she could and could not eat. Food was no longer something positive, it was a curse on the human body. One day, one of the big people offered her a snack, only to realize she was no longer a sister in fullness, but one in hunger. The smaller people took her in.
"Ana, you are beautiful." They told her. "Isn't being one of us wonderful?" And it was, but also it wasn't.

Between the two sides were those who tried to remain in peace with both sides, but found it difficult. They were never quite skinny enough to be accepted by the smaller people, but never rejected completely. They were never quite big enough to be able to call themselves big people either. One found she must choose a side, and threw herself into the war.
"You are fat," someone would tell her. "No one could ever love you. You make me sick."
"You aren't fat," someone else would say. "I think you are actually pretty small."
Which was correct, she could not know. But the taunts of the first always made her feel bad, and the comfort from the second never really rang true, nor did it take away the sting. She decided to start exercising.
"I want to be healthy," She would say. "I don't care if I am big or small, I just want to be healthy."

One day, a skinny fell ill. The other skinny's grew frantic with worry, but did not take it upon themselves to find the problem because they knew what it was. They were all afraid this would be their fate one day.
"Getting sick always makes you lose your appetite," one would offer. "You will be so skinny after this. Think of the cup as half full."
The skinny passed away, and her sisters were heartbroken. They turned to the bigger people and screamed out their agony.
"This is your fault! She didn't want to be like you. She listened in silence every day as you told her she wasn't good enough, could never be small enough. She bore the hatred of all of you jealous ones taunting her. She never had a mean bone in her body. She just wanted to be perfect..."
"That's what happens to skinny's," The large ones whispered as they turned their backs and hung their heads in self righteous pity. Some felt bad, but not bad enough to speak up, to offer condolences, or to own up to mistakes.

One day, a big one fell ill.
"Here eat something," one would say, bringing food. "You need to keep your strength up so you can heal faster." They worried, twisting their hands and eating their stress away, worrying it was something that they did not want to face, which only resulted in more stress. The big one passed away and all the big ones cried out their sorrows.
"This is your fault!" They shouted to the skinny ones. "She just wanted to be like you, but you could not encourage her. You told her she could never reach her dreams. She wanted to be tiny and beautiful, and only ended up eating herself to death. It is a hopeless dream for us to become like you skinny ones, so we tried to love ourselves as we are. We loved her. We cherished her. She was too young to die..."
"So was our Ana." There was a silence in the fighting as they both realized what had happened.
"They were both too young."

The pause in fighting was short lived, and the war went on for years. Blood was shed, as were too many tears. The food industry thrived on one front, and yet suffered on the other, but even the skinny ones needed food to survive, and the big ones needed food to fill the black whole which was their unhappiness. The small ones dealt with the black hole face to face, but found themselves crumbling under the weight of it.

After many, many years passes, the sides dwindled away and became mere towns instead of raging cities. The war had caused so much destruction, there was nothing left but the normal, neutral people who had to pick up after a war they had fought so hard to stay out of. They began to rebuild, but as one. It hadn't been battles or cruel attacks that had killed the factions off though. In all the fighting and unhappiness, they had just been hurting themselves. One by one the small ones either learned to become neutral to stay safe, or burrowed themselves too deep in their sorrows, eventually becoming lost in them. Some of the big ones finally pushed themselves to become healthy and removed themselves from a side, only to leave the rest to their own destruction.

The dead had taken to being too small or too large. They were not content, and were never happy. They destroyed themselves. They became their own greatest enemies. They became their own bullies, without standing up for themselves. They were never really fighting each other, just themselves.

This is what society has reduced itself to.
By the way and for those of you that hadn't realized this already, I have been making links to all of my thinspo pages at the bottom of the thinspo page. I may have missed earlier thinspo posts in this list, but all of my new ones are there.

Yay for coca cola shirts. I have two now, but sadly neither of them looks like this...
Undies thinspo because putting these lovely pics in the shorts one felt like lying... That's OCD for you...

This one picture above^ I SOOOOOO need her body RIGHT NOW.

And while I'm at it, I need cuter undies...

Seriously need cuter undies... x.x
This is from someone who just discovered what lingerie is only a year ago. Less maybe.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Shorts thinspo.

Shorts look best when they only have to follow a straight line instead of make their way ALL THE WAY around a curve. Curves are for girls with no self control.

I have to make the images bigger because the girls are so small...