Wednesday, June 6, 2012

This winter I want to be so skinny that I freeze even when the heater is on full blast. I may not be able to skinny down by the time summer hits head on and I am faced with wearing a swimsuit, but by winter I can be tiny. I know I can reach my goals by then. I want to be engolfed by my clothes, to drown in a little knit sweater. I want to be tiny enough the instinctive need to protect me will be impossible to overcome.I need to withdraw. At this point when I let my emotions express themselves I end up trusting those who will hurt me, and investing my happiness in things that can never make me happy. Or people. And when I let myself rely on fake happiness like that, I allow myself to eat freely like there is no tomorrow, but there is. I eat as if nothing will ever go wrong again, and it eats me later on when that is proved time and time again to be the opposite. If I had something of good intent and investment perhaps I would then not allow myself to reach such a point of withdrawel.

I started this post a few days ago but was not able to publish due to the crappy thing I was trying to type it on. I don't even know what I meant to say after that...

I have a new goal, a pact with a very good friend to lose weight by the new year. My first goal is below 140, and if I make enough progress I will push my goal back again because I need to challenge myself without setting myself up for failure. When one starts to fail, it becomes difficult to stop failiung. I don't want to end up in that situation. My bigger goal after that would be to get to under 120. It will be very difficult to lose so much so fast, so pehaps 120 is unrealistic but my ultimate goal is to hit 96. I want to be under 100. I hate the way I look. Who says part of the reason I am not getting hired is because I am overweight? An employer knows that if one is not motivated to take care of their own health, they aren't going to be too motivated to work hard or care about any potential customer either, are they?
It's something of the same thing with dating. If you date someone who is overweight, you are going to find out eventually why they are overweight, and that because it effects their lives it won't stop there and will effect yours. Whatever deep emotional whatever that keeps them that way is going to surface eventually.
If they can't take care of themselves, how can you expect them to take care of you?
So anyways, at the top, that's my dream. That is what I shall work towards.

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