Thursday, June 21, 2012

Okay I must admit I am panicking. Not only because I have eaten more than I would have liked, but because I am at my parents house. I came over because I promised my sisters I would hang out for a while.  But now it looks like I am staying the night and I really can't explain why that makes me terrified but it does. I was extremely uncertain earlier and was near panic trying to decide but then I said I was going to be fine today, that a night wouldn't kill me. I told myself I just needed to overcome my fears but I am really not doing well right now. My parents have both come back from where they were going and there is no way out for the night. I don't even know what I am scared of.

Last night I had this awful dream and this man was playing friendly with my parents and so they let him in the house. In my dream I lived with my parents still. I told them he scared me but they would not listen and soon they grew angry with me and left him in the house alone with me. I went to hide but he found me and told me to touch myself and I got scared and tried to run away, but no matter where I ran I would hear his voice tormenting me in my head, encouraging me to do terrible things in front of him and I was crying and screaming but no one would hear me and so I stayed silent and hid under a blanket, but I could still hear his voice and he told me he would stop, but only after I had done everything he said to do.
I woke up and was paralyzed with fear. I kept my head under the blanket and couldn't move, could hardly breathe. It was daylight and I was too scared to let any view from the window see me anyways. I have issues...

I'm going swimming tomorrow with my sisters. Tomorrow H is supposed to receive his phone call from wherever it is. He will probably start working on Monday. I still don't have a job. H is also supposed to come back from size three and her husband's house tomorrow. I'm not counting on it. Tomorrow we get internet back, and TV... hopefully.
I rescheduled those half days of testing for psychological illnesses or whatever. The soonest they can get me in is August. Hopefully I can get some meds to help me concentrate better. I am hoping to start classes in the fall. I don't know if I will succeed or fail, but the more I let myself believe I will fail, the more I am likely to fail. So I'll be in debt. It's really hard to face down dropping out of school and not being able to do school work, or homework, or even pay attention or understand what the teachers are saying and then tell yourself you can take a difficult four years of college and not fail that. I think I will be put in debt. I will have to pay financial aid back. I am so scared of being homeless, I will try it anyways. I have to. If I can get school housing, or any kind of situation really... I just want to feel safe. I want to have a home. Will that ever happen?

I might be going on vacation at the end of July for about a week to go to a family reunion for my mom's side. It could be an opportunity to see my brother who I haven't seen since my littlest sister died a few years ago. He's moving to another state and I may not get the chance to see him again for many years. I want to be down to at least 140 by then. It's only about ten pounds, right? Right. I need to show them that I am not that irresponsible fat girl who always stirred up talk among the women. And not nice talk either. I have a beautiful cousin who is perfect in every way and they are so proud of her, and she hates me. That's another good reason to prove them wrong. But I have to do a little more than lose weight to change their opinion of me, and they may not ever think any better of me but so be it.

I feel really alone, and scared, and I feel like giving up. When I am here, I have no motivation to job search, no motivation to do anything, and half of me would rather stay here and sit in the dark, alone, and let the darker side of me take over and leave me emotionally terrorized and senseless. Fighting can be so hard...

1 comment:

  1. Dont give up, fight the fear <3 There is no reason to be scared, you wont fail - I believe in you. love you x