Monday, June 4, 2012

I will never be good enough.
He told me I was immature, that he felt like he was babysitting me.
I am so tired of him getting angry at me every single day. I wait for it in dread, this time it was in the morning, so now he will get angry with me in the afternoon too. I can't do anything right. How am I suppose to feel okay, ever, if everyone treats me like this? I want to die. I want to curl up and just die. I want to stop hearing so I don't have to hear what everyone is saying. I want to stop seeing so I can be blind to what is going on. I want to have my tongue cut off, so i don't have to react to the world. I am so terrified of failing. I am so terrified of not having friends.
The people who love me are so far away, and I cannot go where they are. What I need is out of my reach. I need kindness. I need love. I need someone to tell me it's okay to cry, not to tell me to leave the room before I even start. I want to have faith in myself. I want to feel valid. I want to be understood.
At the same time I want to be hated. I want cruel words to tell me what I really am. I want to be abused and hurt and forgotten, because that's what I feel that I deserve. I want to be beaten down until all the happiness, and the life, and the hope is gone from me permanently. I want to be at the lowest, so that I have no need to be better. I cannot reach what I want or need to achieve so I will go in the opposite direction.
I want to give up and give in. I am done. I am so sick of this.
I have nowhere else to go. I have to deal with this until I have a job, and I am too tired and too beaten down to properly search for one. I am going to be on the streets, but hopefully by then I won't care.

1 comment:

  1. Hey, none of that, you are feeling crap at the moment but thats ok - its ok to be upset and have a good cry (sometimes its what we need) Try to be positive, I know the world seems like a dark place for you right now, but I assure you things will get better <3 dont lose hope.

    Much love xx