Friday, June 29, 2012

I literally want to puke. I am in full on panic mode right now. I have been panicking since I got off eight hours ago and it just gets worse and worse. I cried in front of H and I am so ashamed and I hate myself. I don't know how to do this.
I just wish it would go away and leave me alone. I already took a pill but I'm going to take another. I hate this.
My mom told me she would fully support me if I was still this anxious after a week or two and decided to quit. H says, "Don't quit." He must really want me gone. I just want to be held. I want to get a hug. I want to be loved and to lie in someone's arms and feel for just a moment that things are going to be okay but I am fucking alone in this world.
I hate my disorder. My mom sad when she worked fast food she didn't get like this, and another friend claimed the same. I am so different from everyone else. I just want to be normal. I want to go to work for a day, and then relax until my next shift. I ate a whole fucking ton today and I want to eat more but I can't. I can't I can't. I FUCKING CAN'T. The words keep ringing through my head for everything and I just want it to stop.
I can't do this.
I am not meant to work. I am meant to sit homeless and friendless and lifeless on the side of the road in a cardboard box!
I don't want to work the fryers tomorrow, because I know I CAN'T. I know my limits and that fucking crosses it and too soon at that. But I am going to go and fucking do it because H would hate me if I don't get  out of his damn life and I don't have one.
I just keep getting this signal from him that I am not welcome. It's like, "Fucking work you bitch so that you can finally get your own place and stop living off of me and mine. You're a pain in my ass, I want you gone as soon as possible. Failing yourself, is failing me. No one likes you. You're not wanted. You are shit on the bottom of my shoes. You are pathetic and stupid and I only say otherwise when I don't want to look bad and to encourage you to get off my property." That's how I feel when I am around him.
I don't feel like I deserve this life because I am not made for it. When a piece of a machine does not fit, does not work, it is thrown away. So if I don't fit in with the world, if I am broken, what place do I have to be here?
The world is a brutal place, not a nice place. Imagine all you want. Fucking retarded whores like me who get scared when they have to serve fries DO NOT BELONG HERE.
I have never, do not, and will never FIT IN.
I do not belong here...

1 comment:

  1. Oh Venus, I am sorry you are feeling like this - Maybe today will be better?? I hope things pick up soon, and you are not unwanted, pathetic or worthless. Dont let anyone make you feel that way <3 I love you x