Sunday, June 24, 2012

I am thinking of moving back to my parents house, and not just a light thought either. Please no comments on this one please, I think encouraging comments will actually push me in the other direction. I fear that my biggest fear of going back is really just not having H. And if and when I leave, H will never hear from me again. I need the strength to do that.
Also, I know that my depression is a black hole during the winter time. If I go back during the summer, will it end up being something that kills me? And I assure you, if I really want to die... well, I've come damn close twice. Those were halfhearted. This time, I am afraid nothing will stop me. I have actually felt that feeling, where the idea of no longer existing calms my heartbeat. I don't do it for attention, I do it for peace, and that is what scares me. So, I either stay here and make winter bearable, or chance it and go back home. I'm really not sure I want to chance that to be honest. But why is it that when I think of home I know I will not find a job, and yet I hope when I think of my future here? Rough thinking...
H is back.

No comments:

Post a Comment