Friday, June 29, 2012

I am so stressed out it's ridiculous.
Fast food is not for anyone with high anxiety issues.
I was in there for three hours. Not just three hours, a whole fucking, whopping three hours. It was okay at first and I was thinking maybe I can do this. This isn't so hard. They had a second person helping me with training and it was a slow day. Then the second person starts to show me how to clean the fryers and one of the manager ladies yells that I should pay attention because I have to do it by myself tomorrow. So I try but I have three more people yelling at me to get more fries and chicken nuggets in. So by then I am slightly panicking, but when the lady tells me I can probably clock out then, and then springs it on me that I have to do it all by myself tomorrow, and tomorrow is a fast day, not a slow day like today.
So I leave and I think it's been quite a while but it's only been three hours. If my entire shift is three effing hours and I am stuck working this job and can only pay off rent and electric bills and have no life, because my weekend is just two days, not next to each other- on Sunday and Wednesday... God I hate my life.
So my dad drags me home after his work too because he sees me at the bus stop, and I am washing my shirt and then my mom is going to take me to a thrift store to buy black pants because they didn't tell me what I had to wear for pants and got in trouble. Also I need new shoes and a watch so I can effing tell what time it is in there.
I was sweating the entire time. It is not cool when you have to wipe your upper lip off on your sleeve in front of everyone so that it won't drip in the food. I also must add, I don't think I am ever going to eat there, or any other fast food place again. They get on your back about sanitation and then break the rules themselves. Seeing all that grease popping around and the odd chicken nugget or fry that is black and floating in the grease, and then the cleaning tools got set in the containers used to fry the food, but of course, even if the grease was hot enough to make it not matter... I like to see where my food gets made and make sure the pan is clean, the food is fresh, the utensils used to cook the food are clean, and then no one touches the effing food with their dirty ass germ covered hands.
As soon as I get back to the apartment I am going to pop an anxiety pill and try to nap. I am exhausted. I was telling my mom how stressed out I was and started crying in the kitchen at her house. I am frustrated, and not necessarily discouraged, but... I cannot quit, even if I had to. I need that job so bad, there is no way I can lose it. I have not even let myself think of not working because I know how vital it is for me to have a job right now. My mom said I could look for another job, while working, and somehow that increases my chances of being hired.
I am scared that I won't be able to keep up the pace though and they will either talk to me about it, or let me go, and that is a very real fear. My hands shook even when I wasn't nervous (wait, when am I not nervous?) and I feel that it might have affected my work. There are so many things I could say to encourage myself, like I just need to get past tomorrow and then I have a day off, but I don't think I can even do that. I can't think about it or I panic. I just need to go as it comes, and live in the moment. Avoid all thought of stressful situations...
One perk though, a girl "claimed" me as her friend I guess. She told the other girl that I was her friend first so she had to be nice to me lol. It's okay I guess. The girls there are so super skinny it makes me jealous. The guy who was helping me with the fryers today was kind of cute but I wouldn't pursue it. After a while I caught him in that moment when he was just staring with a stupid grin on my face, even if he never likes me at least he likes me. I don't want to get into any kind of relationship, especially a work one.
Worried as hell,

P.S. Send me lots of love please. I need it right now. x.x


  1. I LOVE YOUUUU LOTS!! <3 <3 <3
    wow you first day sounds mental - but hey at least you get walking talking thinspo around you and you have met some new people, my first job was a bad experience but I stuck it out for 8 months whilst looking for another job. Sometimes you have to, because it enables you to get another job as you have some experience. Maybe it will get better and you will find it easier as it goes on. Its always difficult learning something thats completely new to you so dont be discouraged that you are not getting the hang of it straight away.

    Lots of love xx

  2. Sending: A HUGE package of love sprinkled with fairy dust (they say it helps you get Happy-Go-Lucky land) <3

  3. Hey sweetie! :) <£ big cuddles sent your way !

    That sounds like a busy day!! Im sure if you stick to it you will get used to the routine, get to know all the people who work there...and get more comforatble with it. The first few days are always hard but as soon as you settle in it gets easier!

    And just think about the money! :)

    Eik, i guess being put of the food is a good thing considering most fast food is bad for you anwayys! So think of that as a perk to stick to good foods :P!