Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Alina the reason I stay here is because I have nowhere else to go. If I had any other place to go better than that awful homeless shelter I was in, I would be there already. I don't get along well with my family unless I am far away from them and living in that house in the middle of nowhere makes me feel all alone in the world and disconnected, which often sets me off into a series of panic attacks that make me withdraw into myself and stop hoping or trying for my future. In order to get a job I have to be near the bus routes too, and there is no bus stop anywhere near that house.
Thank you for commenting on my blog, I do appreciate the connection. :)

So, yesterday and the day before I have binged like effing crazy and probably gained a few pounds. K is coming back either today or tomorrow and I am sure she used the opportunity away from me to lose weight, why else would she have made that speech to me about how she thinks her body wasn't meant to be skinny and that she wants to stay the same weight? Maybe so that I would be comfortable staying at the same weight I am while she was gone so she could work hard and get ahead? I really don't know. I am probably just being paranoid, but there is always a chance...
I am less stressed out when she is gone. Everyone here is.
I can't weigh myself right now as I am too terrified to face the numbers on the scale. I have just got to do better.
I have applied to two jobs that are open.
One of them I finally got up early enough to call the manager and she said the system had been down so she will be able to check them tomorrow. She did mention the position I had applied for so it has to be open. I am hoping so bad that she calls me and gives me an interview. The other one is for food services at a hospital and i called seven or eight minutes after the personnel was done for the night. I will have to try and call again tomorrow.
H is actually being nice long term after yesterday. I was sure he would get mad at me again yesterday but he didn't. He got a little frustrated with me this morning over something stupid but calmed down and stopped himself fast and everything is all right at the moment. He doesn't ignore me all day and he is treating me like a friend who actually enjoyed my unending company would. Before it felt like I was the annoying little sister he never wanted around, and that is an awful way to feel about someone. I am unsure how long it will last, or if I will be catapulted into a new and worse cycle. It's hard to have faith in a guy who crushes your hopes and makes one too many empty promises.
I just need to work harder on making myself happy unrelated to him. Somewhere along the way I lost my self respect again and that is not okay. Granted, I have been severely abused verbally by him and standing up tall and firm and uncaring, and still having that self respect through all of that is just ridiculous, but I should not be making excuses.

R just sent H a text saying he's coming over. R never comes over. I guess he's just being spontaneous...

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