Saturday, June 30, 2012

Sigh. I just found tags in K's room for $30 and $40 jeans. Size 14.
Whether her mom bought them for her or she came up with the money herself I don't know, but I do know that I wish I had new clothes. I feel really awful for saying this but my mom took me to the thrift store. Even she can't afford new jeans like that. Even here K can find a paradise of things. She always has someone getting her new things or already has very nice things. She has perfumes, several toothbrushes, toothpastes, nail polish, a nail polisher, mouthwash, hand sanitizer- apple scented... She has make ups, she has clothes, she has a giant collection of DVDs, she has two radios. She has hair pins with jewels, bracelets, necklaces- not cheap ones either most of them. She has fancy books that she never reads because she is too slow to read them, she has inks, brushes for painting, paint, craft supplies to make things- but no talent whatsoever... She has a laptop, furniture, a bed. No one else sleeps on the bed but her. The old man, H and I all have to take the floor. She has couches out there in the living room. She has a million computer games for when internet is shut off, hair brushes, hair curlers, hair spray and none of it makes her any prettier. I could go on but I will just make myself feel worse.
I don't even have my own room. I don't have privacy. I can't hang out with friends...

Friday, June 29, 2012

I literally want to puke. I am in full on panic mode right now. I have been panicking since I got off eight hours ago and it just gets worse and worse. I cried in front of H and I am so ashamed and I hate myself. I don't know how to do this.
I just wish it would go away and leave me alone. I already took a pill but I'm going to take another. I hate this.
My mom told me she would fully support me if I was still this anxious after a week or two and decided to quit. H says, "Don't quit." He must really want me gone. I just want to be held. I want to get a hug. I want to be loved and to lie in someone's arms and feel for just a moment that things are going to be okay but I am fucking alone in this world.
I hate my disorder. My mom sad when she worked fast food she didn't get like this, and another friend claimed the same. I am so different from everyone else. I just want to be normal. I want to go to work for a day, and then relax until my next shift. I ate a whole fucking ton today and I want to eat more but I can't. I can't I can't. I FUCKING CAN'T. The words keep ringing through my head for everything and I just want it to stop.
I can't do this.
I am not meant to work. I am meant to sit homeless and friendless and lifeless on the side of the road in a cardboard box!
I don't want to work the fryers tomorrow, because I know I CAN'T. I know my limits and that fucking crosses it and too soon at that. But I am going to go and fucking do it because H would hate me if I don't get  out of his damn life and I don't have one.
I just keep getting this signal from him that I am not welcome. It's like, "Fucking work you bitch so that you can finally get your own place and stop living off of me and mine. You're a pain in my ass, I want you gone as soon as possible. Failing yourself, is failing me. No one likes you. You're not wanted. You are shit on the bottom of my shoes. You are pathetic and stupid and I only say otherwise when I don't want to look bad and to encourage you to get off my property." That's how I feel when I am around him.
I don't feel like I deserve this life because I am not made for it. When a piece of a machine does not fit, does not work, it is thrown away. So if I don't fit in with the world, if I am broken, what place do I have to be here?
The world is a brutal place, not a nice place. Imagine all you want. Fucking retarded whores like me who get scared when they have to serve fries DO NOT BELONG HERE.
I have never, do not, and will never FIT IN.
I do not belong here...
I am so stressed out it's ridiculous.
Fast food is not for anyone with high anxiety issues.
I was in there for three hours. Not just three hours, a whole fucking, whopping three hours. It was okay at first and I was thinking maybe I can do this. This isn't so hard. They had a second person helping me with training and it was a slow day. Then the second person starts to show me how to clean the fryers and one of the manager ladies yells that I should pay attention because I have to do it by myself tomorrow. So I try but I have three more people yelling at me to get more fries and chicken nuggets in. So by then I am slightly panicking, but when the lady tells me I can probably clock out then, and then springs it on me that I have to do it all by myself tomorrow, and tomorrow is a fast day, not a slow day like today.
So I leave and I think it's been quite a while but it's only been three hours. If my entire shift is three effing hours and I am stuck working this job and can only pay off rent and electric bills and have no life, because my weekend is just two days, not next to each other- on Sunday and Wednesday... God I hate my life.
So my dad drags me home after his work too because he sees me at the bus stop, and I am washing my shirt and then my mom is going to take me to a thrift store to buy black pants because they didn't tell me what I had to wear for pants and got in trouble. Also I need new shoes and a watch so I can effing tell what time it is in there.
I was sweating the entire time. It is not cool when you have to wipe your upper lip off on your sleeve in front of everyone so that it won't drip in the food. I also must add, I don't think I am ever going to eat there, or any other fast food place again. They get on your back about sanitation and then break the rules themselves. Seeing all that grease popping around and the odd chicken nugget or fry that is black and floating in the grease, and then the cleaning tools got set in the containers used to fry the food, but of course, even if the grease was hot enough to make it not matter... I like to see where my food gets made and make sure the pan is clean, the food is fresh, the utensils used to cook the food are clean, and then no one touches the effing food with their dirty ass germ covered hands.
As soon as I get back to the apartment I am going to pop an anxiety pill and try to nap. I am exhausted. I was telling my mom how stressed out I was and started crying in the kitchen at her house. I am frustrated, and not necessarily discouraged, but... I cannot quit, even if I had to. I need that job so bad, there is no way I can lose it. I have not even let myself think of not working because I know how vital it is for me to have a job right now. My mom said I could look for another job, while working, and somehow that increases my chances of being hired.
I am scared that I won't be able to keep up the pace though and they will either talk to me about it, or let me go, and that is a very real fear. My hands shook even when I wasn't nervous (wait, when am I not nervous?) and I feel that it might have affected my work. There are so many things I could say to encourage myself, like I just need to get past tomorrow and then I have a day off, but I don't think I can even do that. I can't think about it or I panic. I just need to go as it comes, and live in the moment. Avoid all thought of stressful situations...
One perk though, a girl "claimed" me as her friend I guess. She told the other girl that I was her friend first so she had to be nice to me lol. It's okay I guess. The girls there are so super skinny it makes me jealous. The guy who was helping me with the fryers today was kind of cute but I wouldn't pursue it. After a while I caught him in that moment when he was just staring with a stupid grin on my face, even if he never likes me at least he likes me. I don't want to get into any kind of relationship, especially a work one.
Worried as hell,

P.S. Send me lots of love please. I need it right now. x.x

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Shame on me. I realized you can't get change on the bus and I need enough for two bus passes so I went to the mini mart and got six pieces of candy so I could get change for a five. My change got me at least three more quarters and three one dollar bills so I can use the extra three quarters in my purse and get at least three bus passes out of that. Please shoot me. I won't be throwing away the candy. They are low or no fat content and a small amount of calories each I think and I will save some for tomorrow. Also, when I went in for my interview today the lady offered me a free soda and I only asked for water after she persisted. I may end up being pressured into eating food there because I believe free food is considered a perk for this job and so I will just have to get what I am comfortable with and make that all I eat for the day when I do. I usually take fries over a burger when I go out to eat and that is a plus. With all the walking to and from I will be doing- or biking- I should burn enough calories to be okay.
Now that it is getting closer to bed time I am getting increasingly nervous and so I might take another anxiety pill before bed so I don't wake up panicked. Orientation is several hours and I hope I don't bug them by asking too many questions because with ADD it is hard to listen and be attentive for hours and do well. Hopefully the anxious part of me will make me more attentive than if I were in a situation like school where I am comfortable by day two or three. I know I will do find once I am used to it after a few days, but until then I am nervous as hell and will probably be taking the anxiety med before bed.
Thanks for the tips Emma Phoenix and Rayya. I do have trouble getting past my anxiety to smile but I did that surprisingly well today. I have no face piercings, my hair is just long enough to get into a ponytail even though I have to use bobby pins to keep it up. I usually don't wear more make up than a little gray eye shadow, eyeliner on the top lash and mascara. I feel safe now lol. Love you girls so much right now!
So my friend just decided to buy me a bike from the thrift store and fix it up a bit for me. How sweet! He is the friend who was my brother's friend first? Yeah carrot top. That's him. He's going to college for being a mechanic or something along those lines so I'm not worried about the turnout. He even asked if I would rather  road or mountain bike lol. He said it was because he remembered my love language. For those of you that do not know what I am talking about by "love language"-
And here they are:

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

I am pretty fluent in all of these so to speak but when I took the text in the book, I found out mine are Receiving gifts, and Physical touch. My sisters make me drawings- the little toddlers and kindergartners, second grader sisters... and even if I can't figure out what the picture is I can't throw them away ever. x.x
At the bottom of the page from the link above^ there is a "take an assessment" option. Anyone who is interested I would love for you to take the test and comment what your language(s) is/are. Most people have just one, but I got exact equal scores in these two and the others were only 1 or 2 behind in scores.
These help with friendships, love life, family relationships... if you know someone's love language you can make them very happy. I don't know if it's just a mom thing, but my mom's love language is acts of service. She is very happy when people clean up or do things for her without being asked. :)
Try it!
Hey guys, so I did the interview... and I got the job!
They have short sleeve uniforms to wear so Idk what to do about the scars...
And I am terrified of jinxing it because I may have blurted out "Oh my gosh you have no idea how much i needed this job! Thank you so much! I was at risk for getting homeless again!" After she told me to come do orientation tomorrow... Will that get me fired right off? >.<
I think it is full time because the lady said no one else had interviewed that day and they were short four team members... Wendy's team member is a full time job right? But yeah. I am terrified of messing up before I start working and screw up the entire thing...
I'm not telling any of my friends until I start working... K knows but H will have to find out only if someone else tells him. I blurted it to another friend but he doesn't know any of my other friends...
The second interviewer gave me a really weird look when I said I could easily walk the 3.5 miles up there in the middle of the night if I have to, because it looks like I will be getting a night shift- super Yay. I wanted night shift but didn't realize Wendy's would have one. AND she asked if I would still be able to work if I decided to go to college in the fall. I am set!
Thank you so much all of you for supporting me through this entire struggle. I would appreciate advice and what to do and what not to do's in the fast food department please! I am scared of working but my friend says it's easy. It's my first job!
*Need to breathe* and while I'm at it I should take my medicine for the ear thing...
The place I applied to emailed me and said to set up an interview and gave me a link. I had to click on one of four times in the next four hours so I took the last so my mom would have time to take me, after asking her first by the way. I am being considerate of her. She just found out a few of her friends from high school died like, twenty years ago and was balling over the phone. :/ Poor mommy <3
My interview is at 3:30 PM. They said they may allow several people at once to sign up for one interview slot and it would be on a 'first come-first serve' basis which scares me. It seems like a lot of hard work to even get the interview. A little scared here...
On the other hand... I GOT AN INTERVIEW!!!
Now I just have to manage to not screw up the questions. I have to have confidence and speak maturely and intelligently. Sit straight, no picking at my nails or hair. I will wear make up... have to cover up my scars I am thinking, but how...
If it's too hot a long sleeved jacket will look awkward and I can't have that... makeup doesn't always cover them eh...
I know K will help me :)
So, I went to the doctors and apparently I really do have something wrong with my ear... something about the stuffs that keeps my balance dysfunction... anyways. He has me on some kind of steroid thing for extreme allergies and the like. Should be gone after the full week of pills...
Also I have some anxiety meds- to take as needed. Thank God at least I have that. They are supposed to make me drowsy too. Anyone else hate panicking when you are supposed to be sleeping and it's miserable and you just want to be unconscious for it? Yeah. That's how it will work now.
R came over, not my plan, I was slightly stressing about it. Now the old man has taken him back and H went along for the ride. H is still pathetically hopping around on one foot, but it's still under debate whether he will come back or not. I will say this though, H called out "Goodbye *insert my name here*" very loudly, even though I had been ignoring him and I did not reply. I am pretty disgusted with him actually. His body odor earlier was so awful I could smell him from forever away and it smelled like vinegar it was so bad. He tackled me to the bed earlier and looked into my eyes like he never does. But I am put off, and it isn't just the smell.
I know I meant to never read his phone again, but he was in the other room and had left his phone right where I could read it without ever getting caught... didn't think there would be anything in there- I was wrong. Something from before he went to his friends I think- "I'm going to throw *Venus* out the window."
His friend aka size 3- "She deserves it after breaking your controller lol."
Also, this married girl who is almost homeless, he's been talking to her a lot lately. It's the girl who made him cry because she strung him along all during high school. He hasn't seen her in years and yet somehow he is still that desperate. It looks as if the middle part of the conversation is gone. One text is like, "I am sorry I am feeling things I really shouldn't be."
There was something about understanding her situation and he understood boundaries or something. Then a text about "did you like the picture?" I don't even want to know. But I am sickened nonetheless.

Oh wow. H didn't come back. Wait until he figures out R won't wait on him hand and foot and he has no ice there. Big mistake. Asshole. Sorry to sound like a broken record but I am SOOOOOO tired of this.
I want a job. I want to not live here. I want H to get what he deserves, the lonely, desperate, pathetic bastard.
Now he's gone so all the blame for certain foods being gone is directed completely at me. H's dad was already mad at me for eating all his cereal, which H told me to eat without telling me whose it was.
I'm going to take a pill for my sudden panic attack and go to bed girls.
And when I wake up I'm going to be fatter.

Monday, June 25, 2012

I was just shuffling around in there and realized what I thought I had lost was right where I left it. So I was mumbling about being stupid and left the room and he calls me back and says, "Don't put yourself down." I just stood there like wha...? And then he adds, "You are not stupid." So I was like thanks, reservedly, and left. I might be liking this respect... But you and I both know it won't last.
Slightly stunned right here...
Eh thank you new follower :)
I might have a fear of 13 though (not particularly in the mood to explain at the moment but...) and this is my thirteenth follower. You are welcome regardless :)
Um, had to eat some hamburger helper though. Forced it down. Feel like puking and I mean like my stomach is putting up protest. Awful amount of calories I imagine. It tasted like too many calories. You know that taste... After being nothing more than business towards H, he sits me down- twice, to hug me and ask if I am okay and thank me again. I actually said, "what is this? Physical contact? What a strange device..." That's actually how I felt to be honest. When no one so much as glances your way for weeks and then suddenly hugs you, you would be quite mystified (and perhaps tear up a little) too. But I stayed cool, wiggled out of his grasp into this room and he has left me alone. So guess what he's doing? Playing a game.
I can't believe he actually tugged at my shirt and had me sit on the floor next to me, and on the second hug, whether to bug me or because he needed it I don't know- he put his chin on my head and perhaps... sniffed my hair...? I know he's done it before but all I could do was say, "I think I need a bath" literally thinking out loud actually...
Meh. Last night he slept out in the living room in the chair so he wouldn't roll over and bother his foot. It also elevated his foot. If he does that again tonight, I might be able to sleep but I can't say I was happy without the company. I find myself feeling a bit from both sides now, which is definite progress considering before I was only wishing I could want him gone.
I ended up eating pepperoni pizza last night. H and his dad brought it home and just shoved two pieces at me. I could have refused but the idea of pizza was so good I didn't say anything, even though I was too busy panicking through the whole thing that I tasted nothing. I might as well have been eating ashes.
I didn't gain but I didn't lose either.
I haven't eaten anything yet today but H is here so I know I will. He's been super nice to me all morning except right now I don't exist because he is playing a game- of course- and the reason he's been nice? Because I am acting distant and uncaring. I don't look at him, I don't smile at him, I don't give him the satisfaction of caring for him. It's what he has done to me.
My fish tank filter isn't working. The fish can hardly see their food at the top it's so foggy. Poor fishes. If it doesn't clear up soon, I don't know what I'll do. Fish could get sick easily but I have no money for a new filter. I really love my fishes...

Sunday, June 24, 2012

I am thinking of moving back to my parents house, and not just a light thought either. Please no comments on this one please, I think encouraging comments will actually push me in the other direction. I fear that my biggest fear of going back is really just not having H. And if and when I leave, H will never hear from me again. I need the strength to do that.
Also, I know that my depression is a black hole during the winter time. If I go back during the summer, will it end up being something that kills me? And I assure you, if I really want to die... well, I've come damn close twice. Those were halfhearted. This time, I am afraid nothing will stop me. I have actually felt that feeling, where the idea of no longer existing calms my heartbeat. I don't do it for attention, I do it for peace, and that is what scares me. So, I either stay here and make winter bearable, or chance it and go back home. I'm really not sure I want to chance that to be honest. But why is it that when I think of home I know I will not find a job, and yet I hope when I think of my future here? Rough thinking...
H is back.
I feel like I have been eating all day, but I think I am beginning to feel empty. As long as I can go to bed empty I know I haven't gained an obscene amount of weight- but one never knows.
H is being a bastard to me. Every time I convince myself to leave him alone because it isn't worth it, he comes and finds me and tickles me or scratches my back or pats my head... then all it takes is for me to look at him or smile and be happy, or move closer to him and he makes no eye contact and completely ignored me. I fucking hate it.
Now thank God he is away for a while. I ignored him while he told me I could say 'I told you so', because he admitted he shouldn't have gone to his friends' house because he ended up hurting his foot again. I won't say it. I never say I told you so and it won't do anything. I know him so well it isn't hard to be right half the time if not more. That isn't self confidence you are reading though, it's irritation.
R asked their dad to take him to Little Caesar's and bring H along. That means he is buying all of them food. I haven't seen R in a while. We don't communicate so I don't know if he is still holding a grudge against me, although for what, I'm not certain. There is no winning with that asshole either. Usually that would also end up with H staying at R's, but after H hurt his foot again at his friends' house, he would be wise to say no. However, he is a selfish guy, and if he really wants to hang out with his brother he will make excuses and find a way. Otherwise, he will say no because he has to "recover". There is no helping the poor bastard, he is just stupid. When it comes to book-smarts, that is the only place he will ever be a genius. Forgive me if that is cruel and mean but I feel that it is the truth.
H will not even give me a hug anymore. I am so sick of this manipulating of my emotions so that he can feel good about himself. Please someone offer me a job and a ticket to wherever you are.
I can't do this. You know that thing called breaking point? Well apparently there are several of them, followed each by extreme pain and suffering. I might now understand the creation of Hell.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Hey guys, I just remembered I am getting my own food card this time. The one I share with H is about to run out. It should last me six months, refilling on about the third of every month. I have decided not to buy any food all at once like most people. I will walk down to the store if I want anything, and whatever I buy I have to be able to carry back. Hopefully that will help me eat less. I will try and go and get just a few pieces of fruit or something when I am hungry. Then I can spend all my money on drinks so I can fast again. I am just afraid H will get angry at me when he sees I am doing this. If I have food available at the house, he will not be angry, but he will if I don't. I am hoping I can just say, "I'm hungry, I'm going to the store" and come back and say I ate what I had and have the fruit. He shouldn't be too suspicious if i get lots of soda. It will encourage him to think because soda is bad that I am eating enough... until he sees the weight disappearing... I'm afraid he will-
Holy shit he just came back! Oh I think his dad brought him... no surprise there. He has lazy friends I guess. And he's limping. Fuck. I don't want to deal with this still...
This is actually my 300th post.
I was just wondering why exactly pro-ana evolved into an online community instead of something else. Has it never occurred to anyone else to meet up with other pro-ana's in their area. Has anyone else ever met another pro-ana girl face to face? perhaps it's best that way.
But I mean, how weird would it be to start up secret pro-ana communities/clubs in your own hometowns? Smaller girls could volunteer to create special thinspo videos or pictures (voluntary being the key word), and larger girls could see what they could become.
I guess that would blow up though wouldn't it? Smaller girls accusing bigger ones of being wannabe's and bigger ones feeling like shit over the little ones... I don't know. I think if one had the right combination of girls who were willing to work together as a TEAM, it could be something very helpful. More like a network almost. So, suppose, one girl was in need of some time with a friend, and another girl in the network did too, you get time with someone who understands you, and you don't have to hide anything from these friends because they understand. That was just an example. It's neat in theory but who knows, because it would never happen, would it? Would anyone else want to be in a group like this in theory?
I guess it depends on how far in you are. Perhaps it will drive it home to the lot of us what our friends and family are losing by us being this way, because we would then have friends like that too. Perhaps it would push those of us who need to, to recover... Very few ana girls don't know what is happening to them, and then don't know that it isn't exactly a positive thing. We twist it in our heads, but somewhere in us we know. Or maybe it's just me?
I haven't eaten since my cereal binge this morning. I'm doing good.
This is why I want to be skinny by new years.

Friday, June 22, 2012

I applied for Wendy's today. I think there is an open position and they say not to call, to just wait for an email which makes it easier I guess, but it means waiting and perhaps waiting in vain :/
I think I filled out the questionnaire well although I am a little uncertain about other parts...
Please wish me luck.
I guess Target was not meant to be. But perhaps this...?
I have painted my nails green and orange with scented nail polish my mom got me...
I don't know what else to say. I did not do well on food today but I don't think I binged... to be honest I have no idea how much i ate today. i was stressed out and ate with no control. At least there is an upside to that. It will fix my metabolism. :)
I just checked several state databases for jobs. Nothing.
Nothing short of a miracle will help me.
Nothing is more terrifying than the fear of being alone and homeless.
How can one overcome that? Knowing that you will have to live without food and water, without shelter. Knowing that you may not even be able to have a back pack full of your own things with you because they will get dirty or wet from the rain. Knowing that all your friends might see you, and pity you, right before going back to their own nice warm houses. Knowing that you might be stuck in that way of life forever. Knowing that you may not have a place to go to the bathroom. Knowing, that on the streets a girl is very likely to get raped. Homelessness is a very vulnerable position. I can't do the homeless shelter, and I can't go to my parents house.
And I created this position for myself. It is no one's fault but my own.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Okay I must admit I am panicking. Not only because I have eaten more than I would have liked, but because I am at my parents house. I came over because I promised my sisters I would hang out for a while.  But now it looks like I am staying the night and I really can't explain why that makes me terrified but it does. I was extremely uncertain earlier and was near panic trying to decide but then I said I was going to be fine today, that a night wouldn't kill me. I told myself I just needed to overcome my fears but I am really not doing well right now. My parents have both come back from where they were going and there is no way out for the night. I don't even know what I am scared of.

Last night I had this awful dream and this man was playing friendly with my parents and so they let him in the house. In my dream I lived with my parents still. I told them he scared me but they would not listen and soon they grew angry with me and left him in the house alone with me. I went to hide but he found me and told me to touch myself and I got scared and tried to run away, but no matter where I ran I would hear his voice tormenting me in my head, encouraging me to do terrible things in front of him and I was crying and screaming but no one would hear me and so I stayed silent and hid under a blanket, but I could still hear his voice and he told me he would stop, but only after I had done everything he said to do.
I woke up and was paralyzed with fear. I kept my head under the blanket and couldn't move, could hardly breathe. It was daylight and I was too scared to let any view from the window see me anyways. I have issues...

I'm going swimming tomorrow with my sisters. Tomorrow H is supposed to receive his phone call from wherever it is. He will probably start working on Monday. I still don't have a job. H is also supposed to come back from size three and her husband's house tomorrow. I'm not counting on it. Tomorrow we get internet back, and TV... hopefully.
I rescheduled those half days of testing for psychological illnesses or whatever. The soonest they can get me in is August. Hopefully I can get some meds to help me concentrate better. I am hoping to start classes in the fall. I don't know if I will succeed or fail, but the more I let myself believe I will fail, the more I am likely to fail. So I'll be in debt. It's really hard to face down dropping out of school and not being able to do school work, or homework, or even pay attention or understand what the teachers are saying and then tell yourself you can take a difficult four years of college and not fail that. I think I will be put in debt. I will have to pay financial aid back. I am so scared of being homeless, I will try it anyways. I have to. If I can get school housing, or any kind of situation really... I just want to feel safe. I want to have a home. Will that ever happen?

I might be going on vacation at the end of July for about a week to go to a family reunion for my mom's side. It could be an opportunity to see my brother who I haven't seen since my littlest sister died a few years ago. He's moving to another state and I may not get the chance to see him again for many years. I want to be down to at least 140 by then. It's only about ten pounds, right? Right. I need to show them that I am not that irresponsible fat girl who always stirred up talk among the women. And not nice talk either. I have a beautiful cousin who is perfect in every way and they are so proud of her, and she hates me. That's another good reason to prove them wrong. But I have to do a little more than lose weight to change their opinion of me, and they may not ever think any better of me but so be it.

I feel really alone, and scared, and I feel like giving up. When I am here, I have no motivation to job search, no motivation to do anything, and half of me would rather stay here and sit in the dark, alone, and let the darker side of me take over and leave me emotionally terrorized and senseless. Fighting can be so hard...

Monday, June 18, 2012

I woke up and weighed myself at 150.2 lbs. I'm sooo close!!! It shouldn't be too much longer without the interwebs... Love you all!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Sorry for turning into a gushing school girl, but I decided to go to college if I can and the college I am enrolled to has a beginners ballet class. If I can work it into my schedule and my financial aid lets me, I can learn ballet! I really hope financial aid will come through and I can get everything in on time so that i can take it this fall. I hope financial aid will let me so bad right now.
Thanks for all the comments by the way. :)
Miss Mad you make me smile.
I picked up some new followers since I last got on I think, but I must be following all of them because I recognise all of the names and can't figure out who was already on the list... fail.
I'm posting at the library and K is here with me. We are being friends for the time being.
So H has been at R's for the past few days. He said he would be back yesterday but you know the drill. He says he might come back tonight... which probably means he won't. Since the campout is this weekend and he has to watch R's cats and gets paid for it, and I have to watch my fish which I don't get paid for, I probably won't see him this weekend either. He won't even want me to visit. I don't really care though.
One would think that I would go nuts with nothing to do and get bored and binge like crazy, but I have been doing strangely well actually.
Yesterday I tried to keep it all liquids, and only ate two snack cakes and a few small handfulls of cereal. I had lots of soda but yesterday I weighed in at 155.2 lbs. and then this morning I weighed in at 153.2 lbs. yayness!
I might be jinxing it and end up binge eating later, but I hope not. I have only had some more cereal this morning to keep from feeling sick, and had some more soda and part of my chocolate protein drink. Of course, I accidentally forgot I had it out and the rest went bad. Also, an entire giant loaf of bread was white with mold and I got to throw that away too, which makes me feel guilty because my mom bought it for me. She was being nice and I just wasted it.
I know as soon as H gets back my eating will be awful, but I am hoping to be able to go to bed before he wakes up, and hopefully weigh in a little smaller in the morning. Then, if I have to eat I will at least TRY and maintain what I have lost. I would hate myself if I just gave in to everything and gained it all back. Maybe H just shouldn't come back...
I found out on my phone I can get to my emails, and I can also read all of your blogs on my phone, so no worries, I just can't comment. My phone will not let me post or comment.
Love you all, I hope you are all doing well. I would love it if anyone else wanted to join in with my goal for New Years. It may be far away but if I can't lose weight by then, I had plenty of room for error so no excuses.

Monday, June 11, 2012

I just checked my other email and found an email from the place I had an interview with.
"Thank you for applying with us but we are unable to offer you a position at this time. Thank you for your interest in us."
There goes. I failed the interview. I really need a job...
Thank you for all of your encouragement though. Maybe you all need to grow more fingers to cross...
Ah, new followers... welcome!
I will not have access to internet for a week, maybe two and so if I want to post I will have to come here to the library. Nothing better with H. No news on the interview. My tremor is really bad today.
I don't know if any of you know about my tremor but when I have had even slight physical exhersion my hands shake like crazy. In fact, they always shake, just worse when I'm tired. I could hardly drink from my bottle without getting soda everywhere and slamming it against my teeth. It's hot... All I have eaten lately is little debbie treats and chips and my usual drinks. Had a panic attack last night, sorta numb but I have to keep trying for my life to work...
Thank you all for the support. I will try to check in again sometime this week but I can't make any promises. Love you all! I will catch up on all your blogs when we get enternet back so I have privacy and no ninety minute time limit. Now I probably only have an hour left...

Friday, June 8, 2012

Hey guys. I have had a very off day. It started off crappy because I blew up and so everyone blew up back at me. I was stressed out because of my social anxiety and I had my very first interview this morning. One should always be confident when it comes to interviews but since this is anonomous I must say I don't think I did so well. I felt ugly in the gray suit pants I wore, and somehow I didn't grab my make up getting here so I had to go with just a clean face and my hair which always puffs up. It's not cool to have puffy hair when you are blond, or ever. I am hoping it will grow out and turn into a good thing.
Later, H seemed very upset, and he told me I should go back to the apartment because he needed space. I asked if I could stay here anyways and he agreed albeit very angrilly. I kept a cool head though, appologized with a hig and asked how I could make his day better and he got friendly again. I still think he wants space, but when I asked if I should still leave he said I would have nothing to do there anyways, because the enternet was down which means no computer time or TV. I think he's okay with me being here now. Not happy with it exactly, but not pissed anymore either.
We head back there tomorrow. I won't be able to blog for a while. I don't know when it will be put back up. Until K gets back nothing can happen. I keep hearing she's coming back and then she doesn't. Normally that would be a great thing, but now I hear she won't be back until Saturday and the enternet is under her name because she paid for it the first time.
H doesn't have any gaming this weekend for some reason.
Hopefully I get this job but I can't get my hopes up too high. I am all too good at getting depressed because I put such high hopes on the line. My expectations can't always be met, that's just life.

This job could be the difference between me living under a roof, or on the streets. Pray for me, or if you aren't religious, wish me luck and cross your fingers. I need this job.

I don't know how much I weigh, or if I have gained or lost, but it feels like I have done awful. The only thing I don't understand is that I just put on a new pair of size 10 jeans my mom sent me. When I put them on hours ago they seemed tight, and now they feel like they are falling off. I don't know how that could be except maybe they weren't as tight as I originally thought. I am pretty certain that I gained though. All I have had is peanut M'n'M's all day and a tiny bit of vanilla coffee. Then just a while ago H got some mini corn dogs and chicken nuggets (both disgusting, I don't know why I ate them XP). Because I have ADD, or at least I think I do, the coffee actually has an extreme calming affect. It's like I am looking out fom a glass ball where no one can reah me or hurt me. Very good feeling. I don't know if it has that effect because I have ADD or for some other reason, but caffeine doesn't seem to have the same effect. It's the weird bitter taste that helps me. I don't know how.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

This music has really fit my mood lately.

1180 calorie binge. Sigh...
I have an interview for the very first time in my life tomorrow. I am praying to God that I get this job.
This winter I want to be so skinny that I freeze even when the heater is on full blast. I may not be able to skinny down by the time summer hits head on and I am faced with wearing a swimsuit, but by winter I can be tiny. I know I can reach my goals by then. I want to be engolfed by my clothes, to drown in a little knit sweater. I want to be tiny enough the instinctive need to protect me will be impossible to overcome.I need to withdraw. At this point when I let my emotions express themselves I end up trusting those who will hurt me, and investing my happiness in things that can never make me happy. Or people. And when I let myself rely on fake happiness like that, I allow myself to eat freely like there is no tomorrow, but there is. I eat as if nothing will ever go wrong again, and it eats me later on when that is proved time and time again to be the opposite. If I had something of good intent and investment perhaps I would then not allow myself to reach such a point of withdrawel.

I started this post a few days ago but was not able to publish due to the crappy thing I was trying to type it on. I don't even know what I meant to say after that...

I have a new goal, a pact with a very good friend to lose weight by the new year. My first goal is below 140, and if I make enough progress I will push my goal back again because I need to challenge myself without setting myself up for failure. When one starts to fail, it becomes difficult to stop failiung. I don't want to end up in that situation. My bigger goal after that would be to get to under 120. It will be very difficult to lose so much so fast, so pehaps 120 is unrealistic but my ultimate goal is to hit 96. I want to be under 100. I hate the way I look. Who says part of the reason I am not getting hired is because I am overweight? An employer knows that if one is not motivated to take care of their own health, they aren't going to be too motivated to work hard or care about any potential customer either, are they?
It's something of the same thing with dating. If you date someone who is overweight, you are going to find out eventually why they are overweight, and that because it effects their lives it won't stop there and will effect yours. Whatever deep emotional whatever that keeps them that way is going to surface eventually.
If they can't take care of themselves, how can you expect them to take care of you?
So anyways, at the top, that's my dream. That is what I shall work towards.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Oh wait, a new follower! Hi Alina and welcome.
And thanks you all my followers for erm... following me ;)
So two girls I wanna punch in the face with my weight loss- H's friend who was a total bitch to me and is size 3, and his sister, who may or may not be catching up if not passing me.
These two shall be two and three. Because first I have to beat myself (I am always number one!) then K, who is right around where I am, and then I have to conquer miss size 3. She is number three. I may have come up with letters or something for those two before, but... that's what they are. K will stay as K maybe, but the other girl? She can be number 3.
What's funny is, H admitted that the only reason her husband isn't broke is because of her. In other words, she has to babysit her own husband or he would be in big trouble. She married a complete loser. When I was over there that one time, her husband kept saying how he should get off his game to entertain the guests but he also said he couldn't get himself to do it. Remind you of H much? Makes me laugh almost...

Alina the reason I stay here is because I have nowhere else to go. If I had any other place to go better than that awful homeless shelter I was in, I would be there already. I don't get along well with my family unless I am far away from them and living in that house in the middle of nowhere makes me feel all alone in the world and disconnected, which often sets me off into a series of panic attacks that make me withdraw into myself and stop hoping or trying for my future. In order to get a job I have to be near the bus routes too, and there is no bus stop anywhere near that house.
Thank you for commenting on my blog, I do appreciate the connection. :)

So, yesterday and the day before I have binged like effing crazy and probably gained a few pounds. K is coming back either today or tomorrow and I am sure she used the opportunity away from me to lose weight, why else would she have made that speech to me about how she thinks her body wasn't meant to be skinny and that she wants to stay the same weight? Maybe so that I would be comfortable staying at the same weight I am while she was gone so she could work hard and get ahead? I really don't know. I am probably just being paranoid, but there is always a chance...
I am less stressed out when she is gone. Everyone here is.
I can't weigh myself right now as I am too terrified to face the numbers on the scale. I have just got to do better.
I have applied to two jobs that are open.
One of them I finally got up early enough to call the manager and she said the system had been down so she will be able to check them tomorrow. She did mention the position I had applied for so it has to be open. I am hoping so bad that she calls me and gives me an interview. The other one is for food services at a hospital and i called seven or eight minutes after the personnel was done for the night. I will have to try and call again tomorrow.
H is actually being nice long term after yesterday. I was sure he would get mad at me again yesterday but he didn't. He got a little frustrated with me this morning over something stupid but calmed down and stopped himself fast and everything is all right at the moment. He doesn't ignore me all day and he is treating me like a friend who actually enjoyed my unending company would. Before it felt like I was the annoying little sister he never wanted around, and that is an awful way to feel about someone. I am unsure how long it will last, or if I will be catapulted into a new and worse cycle. It's hard to have faith in a guy who crushes your hopes and makes one too many empty promises.
I just need to work harder on making myself happy unrelated to him. Somewhere along the way I lost my self respect again and that is not okay. Granted, I have been severely abused verbally by him and standing up tall and firm and uncaring, and still having that self respect through all of that is just ridiculous, but I should not be making excuses.

R just sent H a text saying he's coming over. R never comes over. I guess he's just being spontaneous...

Monday, June 4, 2012

He told me to leave but later he got nice again and said he took it back. He also made more promises. At least empty promises mean that something will change, if even for a little while. Empty promises mean that he actually thinks there needs to be change. I am just waiting until the next blow up. I still can't believes he told me that.
"Just leave. I don't want to deal with you anymore."
I will never be good enough.
He told me I was immature, that he felt like he was babysitting me.
I am so tired of him getting angry at me every single day. I wait for it in dread, this time it was in the morning, so now he will get angry with me in the afternoon too. I can't do anything right. How am I suppose to feel okay, ever, if everyone treats me like this? I want to die. I want to curl up and just die. I want to stop hearing so I don't have to hear what everyone is saying. I want to stop seeing so I can be blind to what is going on. I want to have my tongue cut off, so i don't have to react to the world. I am so terrified of failing. I am so terrified of not having friends.
The people who love me are so far away, and I cannot go where they are. What I need is out of my reach. I need kindness. I need love. I need someone to tell me it's okay to cry, not to tell me to leave the room before I even start. I want to have faith in myself. I want to feel valid. I want to be understood.
At the same time I want to be hated. I want cruel words to tell me what I really am. I want to be abused and hurt and forgotten, because that's what I feel that I deserve. I want to be beaten down until all the happiness, and the life, and the hope is gone from me permanently. I want to be at the lowest, so that I have no need to be better. I cannot reach what I want or need to achieve so I will go in the opposite direction.
I want to give up and give in. I am done. I am so sick of this.
I have nowhere else to go. I have to deal with this until I have a job, and I am too tired and too beaten down to properly search for one. I am going to be on the streets, but hopefully by then I won't care.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

I didn't want to be here when H got back and so I stayed out for a while.
I came back and he had his stupid pajama pants on and he looks ready to relax... more.
He is so spoiled. His dad has given him every thing he could possibly want. He was arrogant enough to quit at least three jobs because he was just too good for it. He plays all day and all night. No wonder he could ever understand fear.
I have decided to learn how to dance. I have never had money for lessons and my mom says she asked me when I was little and I had no interest in anything like that so I lost my chance. Apparently one can only follow their dreams if they know what they are before they started to have the ability to think for themselves. I obsessively follow dancing shows. I didn't get to see the last few seasons of So You Think You Can Dance because my mom banned it in that house, but I can watch it here and I have seen the first two episodes of this season.
Earlier I found another one that intrigues me. I am usually not a fan of drama but for some reason the show, Dance Moms has drawn me in.
I looked up positions for ballet and I have two goals in mind. I would like to be able to do a plie without needing something to keep my balance, and I would like to be stretched enough to eventually do a split. these are achievable right?
The only thing is, without an instructor I won't really know what to do or what to learn, and when I do figure it out, on my own I will learn improper habits I am sure and not have great form at all. Does anyone know how to dance? I would appreciate if anyone could help me. I don't want to compete or anything, I just want to know how. I don't even know if I would become any good at it, especially as I am trying to start at 18. I also envy a dancer's body and want to have stronger legs, and definitely looser muscles in my legs. Because I don't get out and stretch my legs ever, when I am stressed out, especially when I am sleeping my muscles tighten and contract painfully.
Anyways, I would be incredibly grateful if anyone could help me. If not that's okay too.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Today sucked.
I couldn't disappoint the old man so I went with him car shopping and I knew he was going to bring me to a restaurant but I couldn't just tell him no. He wanted company and was trying to be nice and include me.
I woke up and had a panic attack trying to find a way to get out of it without hurting his feelings. So I ended up going anyways because there just isn't an easy solution to trying to keep a normal, healthy life while indulging Ana.
I ended up eating out twice today. And I forced myself to finish everything but the tub of fries because I didn't want him to think I was ungrateful. he always seems to get disappointed when I don't eat it all. the fries... I could not shove another one down without puking from an over full stomach.
I woke up and my hands were on my stomach. I was trying to see if I had lost weight even in my sleep. That is a subconscious obsession for you.
Now I am eating lemon heads and drinking crystal light.
The crystal light is maybe 5 calories and the lemon heads are 5 calories each, or 50 calories for 10 pieces. Why do I always need something in my mouth???
What I am proud of myself for is the fact that when we went shopping I got all kinds of good food, including cupcakes, and two other kinds of high calorie treats, probably all Little Debbie or something, and I haven't eaten any of them yet.
I have many around 100 calories foods, like my yogurt whips which are maybe 140, and my fruit cups which are more like 70-80. I got protein drinks, just a few which are extremely high in calorie, but when I use them on days when H is not here I can get away with eating less because the drinks fill me up and make me not super food obsessed the rest of the day like I always am. I haven't touched those yet either.
It would have been so easy for me to just say, "It's only a few more calories, it won't harm me." And I would have had just one more each time until I was way over my calorie limit. Today I have failed but I will indulge myself in thinking it wasn't my fault, even though you and me both know the truth...
I have a headache... I never get headaches... I guess I do now.
I have cramps like crazy. I feel like I am being stabbed in places and it comes and goes in waves. Once I get my breath back from one another rolls. But jeez, I hope childbirth is that easy...
All in all, I feel like shit.
I do however have a bank account as of yesterday, and if I can hook up my online accounts to my bank I might be able to earn money off of my drawings. To be honest I am dreading the idea of drawing. I really don't want to, but I need the money.
I paid rent by way of getting H a new phone card because he liked to text and call his brother to talk about games too much and used up his 750 minutes really fast. I made him promise to do better on this one. Well, it wasn't really a promise, you know how I feel about H and promises.
Then my dad left $25 in my bank account and gave me tons of money- some for rent. I kept about $40 in cash. I don't know what I am going to spend it on, but I'm sure I will need necessities sometime in the future and it would be good for that...
I feel fat. Raise of hands for anyone else who feels like me?
I have to be quick here- H is taking me shopping because the food card just got refilled. :/ I will stay in control.
The other day, one nice thing H did, (he has been very mean lately), I went into the kitchen and for some reason he reeled my into a hug and asked if I was doing okay or something like that. I told him the truth. He knows I have eating issues. I told him that I had just binged like crazy and was having a hard time because of all the skinny girls on So You Think You Can Dance. He ran his hands down my sides, trying to say that I was beautiful just the way I am, like when he was tracing my shape it was to show how skinny I actually looked. I didn't feel it but it was still sweet.
H is tracking his calories on my fitness pal and so I feel threatened that he will do better than me. He has everything in his favor- good genes, lot's of extra weight which means a good metabolism, and he's a guy. Everyone knows men have better metabolism than women do.
I am super challenged to lose weight now. I hope perhaps if I looked more beautiful at least his friends could tell him what he is missing out on. I am using lot's of crystal light to keep myself from eating. Low cals too. Gtg.