Monday, May 7, 2012

Ugh. I went to make myself a veggie dog; 30-40 calories each by the way, and I put them in the microwave and check out the package and there is gluten in them. Now I feel guilty for asking H for them. No one else will eat the veggie ones... So I thought, I would tell him I ate them before I checked the package.
Then I got out my very expensive gluten free hot dog buns- made out of tapioca?- and they are molded over even though we got them yesterday. I didn't know what to do because now I feel double awful so I just put them back in the bag and put the bag back. I threw away the hot dogs. I buried them in the garbage. I feel so stupid. I feel like I selfishly asked for something expensive and then just threw it away. It makes me feel selfish. I don't know how I'm going to tell him.
I even feel like maybe I made up the whole gluten thing. I did eat that regular hot dog bun the other day and I was fine. I just can't tell anymore. Something really is upsetting my stomach every day but it could be something like stress. I stress out too much. I really don't know either way. Going for a few weeks without gluten really did make the stomach aches stop, but I don't understand... Sigh.
It's like the time he bought me a cream soda in a special brand and I said it tasted disgusting and I felt really awful afterwards, but without him knowing I poured the thing out anyways. I still feel guilty about that. I feel ungrateful.
I'm going to make cupcakes today. I guess not soon though, because K got up and turned the oven on for some reason. She better not have decided to copy me like she always does. It's funny but also annoying. Why does she suddenly want to do everything I do? Can't she get her own life? At least my ideas are original. She doesn't even have her own personality because she is always too busy pretending to be someone else- pretending to be everyone else around her.
A friend of hers killed herself because K wouldn't stop pretending to be her. That's the story I heard anyways. It's very disturbing to have your own personality mirrored back to you. It's disturbing especially for me, because I have fought very hard my entire life to find some individuality. I need to be different and unique. It is crushing to be told that every one of your sister laughs and talks and LOOKS just like you do. I was always one of the girls. I was never myself.
I'm sipping a vanilla latte protein drink right now trying to calm down. I don't know why I have been so on edge lately. I need to lose weight though, that is for certain.
When I was in the store yesterday I saw the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She was perfect in every way. She was wearing sweat shorts that bagged around her perfectly tanned legs and tiny ass, and she has dark brown hair and the perfect jock face with pretty eyes... And she was sitting there talking ecstatically to a guy who was just grinning ear to ear he was so happy that she was talking to him. I need to be like that. I need to be first, pretty, and then maybe I can achieve beautiful. The perfect size zero. That's what I need to be.

I also need to slim down for swimsuit season. I have never worn a two piece before because I wasn't allowed- Mormon rules- and now Y says he will buy me one so that I can go swimming. My old swimsuits are too big anyways. But I have to lose weight first!

1 comment:

  1. Hey, I find that things like milk, and dairy periodically give me stomach upsets.. or more that "something" gives me stomach upsets and then I cut out dairy and I am fine again.

    I got told I had irritable bowel syndrome, cos sometimes my stomach would swell for no reason, after I ate certain things..

    Maybe its the same with you? The doctor told me stress/depression/anxiety causes your whole digestive system and stomach to be aggravated. So maybe it is this.. x

    And on another note.. wow about the tanned girl. I see girls like that all the time - they seem to be in abundance around me (probably why I hate summer so much - cos all the pretty girls get their bodies out and I look so crap)

    We need to get to that size zero.. I want it so bad.

    Good luck, PS dont feel bad, you are one of the least ungrateful people I know, I throw food away all the time - at least you didnt do it for no good reason, unlike me :/

    Lots of love xxxx