Saturday, May 5, 2012

Sigh... I had a bad day food-wise.
H keeps trying to get me to eat. I feel guilty when he is being a complete sweetheart to me and then I turn down what he is trying to give me. Sometimes I can get away with, "I'm not hungry" or "maybe later", but not lately.
I have consumed way too many calories and I feel gross. my stomach is bloated and my stomach hurts and is full.
This morning I nearly broke down. My hair looks awful and it is tiring. I don't even have a hair brush right now. No matter how much I wash it I can't get it to look okay. It always looks greasy. I can only wash my hair every few days anyways here. It is yellowish and my roots are showing badly. Then when I sleep it curls and sticks up all over the place and I can't comb it down because I have nothing to do it with, so I just splash water into my hair and try to calm it with my fingers.
I have no make up. What little I had went missing months ago so now all I have is an eyeliner pencil that makes my eyes burn. My skin is greasy even though I wash it. I can't afford anything to help with it. All I have is some leftover body wash that I have had for months now. I am running out of shampoo and conditioner. Those are also months old.
My legs and armpits are hairy so I always wear long pants and a t shirt. I haven't been able to shave for a long time and it's nasty. I can't afford new razors. My toenails are chipped and the nail polish is coming off, but I don't have any here so I can't fix it and my clippers are missing and it's nasty. My fingernails are growing out. That's a plus. I might have just a shiny coating nail polish in my purse somewhere I can use on them.
Half the time there is no soap in the bathroom to wash my hands. Most of the time there is no toilet paper. I feel disgusting.
I see girls at the store who have nice clothes and can wear make up and put their hair back, and I feel really awful in comparison. I just want to be able to look pretty and feel pretty some days. I want to have the money to respect myself by looking ok. I have been wearing the same pair of jeans for maybe three or four weeks now, maybe longer. I just want to feel pretty sometimes. Is that too much to ask?
My mom gave me a few dollars for my birth control because my cramps are awful so I actually have a prescription. Then I asked for a few more just to spend on myself and she gave me a ten. But now I have a problem.
I was laying there this morning just dreaming of looking nice and feeling nice, and being clean, and I don't know what to buy with my new money. This always happens when I get money. I could get razors, or maybe some eye shadow... I could get soap or concealer or nail polish. I could get a hair brush or try at some hair dye... But I only have ten dollars. I know whatever I buy I am going to feel like I wasted it afterwards because I couldn't get everything I need. It's an awful feeling.

About the book, I actually did try and send it in to a publisher once. I sent it in to Publish America, who actually accepted it. Then I researched and found that it was basically a scam. I can't do that to my book. I lost heart after that. I don't have the money to get it published anywhere good. It is still my dream, but it is sort of a lost one. I would be happy with a minimum wage job at McDonald's to be perfectly honest. That would be my heaven- to actually have two penny's to rub together...

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