Tuesday, May 8, 2012

The internet went down this morning and I panicked. Lol it's a good thing the old man loves his internet just as much as I love his internet so he went immediately to get it put back.
I ate like a pig, or at least I made it seem like that. i had a little bit of everything but all in all I don't think too many calories. H and his dad are gone. They went to R's because R wanted to talk to them. i'm afraid it's about me. I'm afraid if R made it between me and him, they would choose him- because he is family, not because they don't believe me. It's like what H said the other day, "He's my only sibling I get along with." In other words, I love my brother. I would understand and forgive him for that, but I hope H doesn't do something he will regret. He does have a heart, and he does know right from wrong, and if he made a decision that he would regret... I just want him to be safe and happy.
I am leaving my options open when it comes to H.
When I first came back here weeks ago or however long it has been, whenever I would sleep next to him, he would have his entire body facing away from me. Last night he pulled me in to his side and said goodnight. Joking or not, now he smiles when he wakes up because he has rolled over yet again and I am tucking the blanket back around him. It was thrown off of half of him, and I couldn't resist. Things are better but I don't want to raise my hopes. If he is stuck in that delusion that he only likes me as friends for the rest of his life then I need to move on. Either way, I am accepting that there is a chance, and yet not trying to focus in on it.
I have been on dating sites, and there is one or two who I chat with. I flirt with my friend from across the country. He will joke with me and we'll call each other sexy. He isn't bad looking either. And I must say, he is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. I mean, i met him on runescape when he asked if I was lost- his character asked mine. Then he would bring me places I wanted to go and help me quest and stuff. I don't play runescape anymore and neither does he, because I am pretty sure neither of us have a deep interest in games like H, but we still talk and I have talked on the phone with him. If he lived nearby, I would take the opportunity in a heartbeat...
I am dying my hair again. I am using ash brown to try and remove some of the orange-yellow coloring. Then I have another light blond for later. No one is here but me.
I hope H comes back tonight. I mean, I don't want to hate when he is gone but... I'll be fine. It will just mean he will be gone for two or more nights instead of just one. R only has one day off this week.
I'm also afraid R will actually come through for someone for once in his life, and get H a job at the store he works at. I asked him to do the same a long time ago and he said he did talk to the manager but I know he lied. But if H really does get a job there, he will end up staying at R's for months at least because it will be easier for him to get to work that way. That is what I don't want. But it is stupid of me to think that way. H really does need a job, even though I'm the one who is going to end up homeless without a job soon. I don't know how long these people can handle me being around. They already kicked me out twice before...

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