Saturday, May 12, 2012

I'm okay. Thanks you for caring :)
Um let's see...
K got super controlling... H came back just for an hour or so with R, I'm not sure4 why. He ended up asking me to come over, spending all his time and attention with trying to make me happy.
So I ended up going over to R's. I had something of a panic attack yesterday morning and got mad at him and actually got him to admit he likes me. Great and all, but this is what he said, "I do like you, but I just didn't feel the connection." That broke my heart again.
Thinking about it, and I don't know if this is me fooling myself or not, I think the connection people seek so much is just the love in of itself. I think we did not get the chance to fully create this connection because of what happened when I was on meds. I also feel like maybe he is just putting that up as a defense mechanism, and it just means he isn't ready and I need to be patient. Either way he has been almost overly nice and it looks completely to me as if he is head over heels in love with me. The funny part is, now that he is doing the pursuing, I kind of have the need for distance. I don't care for him around all the time asking me if I'm okay and making sure I live like a princess. He says that I have just had a hard time lately and have a hard life and he wants to help me succeed, which is cute, but you and I know the truth. "Just" sets the foundation for an excuse.
He's going to gaming today and probably tomorrow but I don't think I am much bothered by that.
I'm also going to set up a bank account on Monday and get phone minutes from Y then. He will pay and has paid $50 a month for a while now so that I have unlimited minutes on my phone. That's fine with me. He texts good morning and good night and everything in between- everything unnecessary, so if he is going to use up all those texts he might as well pay for it right?
I think I might just go to college for art stuffs, more because I think that is something I can handle without needing meds too much.
Oh also, another new development with H.
I found two razors and so I had ten dollars to spend on whatever I liked. I found a cute pair of little black short that could almost have been underwear. Maybe I just wanted to tease H a bit but I really did need a pair of shorts. I have never had a pair of shorts before in my life, and nothing near that short. So I took a shower and came out all shaved and soft with that tiny pair of shorts and a bright pink tank top with white stripes on it. I went over to sit by the computer and he asked why I was sitting "over there" which means he wants me near him. I said there was no place to sit and he spread his legs and patted the floor between them. "You want me to sit in your lap?" He nods.
I know he is usually turned on by me when I wear something tiny and a tank top that slides down to show lots of cleavage. I mean, what guy isn't? After a while I made a sad face and tried to stand up and go into the other room and he grabbed me and pulled my legs to his chest an looked up at me. He asked what was wrong. I told him, "You don't find me attractive anymore."
He told me that I looked very attractive and that's why certain parts of his anatomy... you get the picture.
Also today for the first time he directly slapped my butt. I am always slapping people's butts, it's more of a habit built over many years with my sisters, but he slapped my butt!!!
I don't know what is going on between us but I don't care because I am getting a positive feeling about it all. I think I just want to start building up some achievements and actually do something with my life, and stay friends with him, and the rest will follow. Maybe if we both had jobs and a life we were working on living, the rest would just follow after- all the love or connection or whatever it is that he feels is missing.
Long post I will rap it up....
I just haven't posted because R's computer is so slow and I did not feel like I was in a safe environment, so I am sorry about that.

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