Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I don't want to eat anymore. H has gone to R's already. He left first thing in the morning. I felt safe because he said he wouldn't be awake by the time his dad left for work and he might walk up if it wasn't raining, but he left with his dad anyways. I have no reason to be unhappy about that but I am.


I had a dream he was leaving again. I dreamed he was going to live somewhere else. I dreamed he had a job and a life beyond me. And I would beg him and cry and just act all around clingy, and his friend would tell him I didn't matter, to leave me behind. His friends looked at me with distaste like I was something they would scrape off the bottom of their shoes. And he just sighed and said don't worry, in an irritated voice. I won't be gone forever. But I knew he would be. And he left anyways. He didn't want or need me. It was an awful dream. I am that awful, pathetic girl. I am what my dreams tell me I am. And he is, and always will be, beyond my grasp.


I don't want to be this way anymore but I don't know how not to be. I cannot escape my own misery. I will not eat until he gets back. That is my plan. I have not eaten yet. My stomach has been having hunger pains all morning but it is slowly fading. I cannot eat. If I eat, I will be fat, and ugly and stupid for the rest of my life. Each day I fail, each bad choice I make, pushes me farther into that place I cannot be. I need to be above this all. I need control. I cannot be human like everyone else. I need to be beyond that. I want to be immortal like a vampire or a werewolf. I have been watching the fourth twilight movie. She is beautiful because she could not eat, so neither will I.


I cannot explain this need I have. I cannot explain why I will not eat, but I can't. I can't do it. It's like I am in my own world, my own safe place, like I am untouchable, invincible, immortal. But only when I don't eat. If I touch food I will die. I will become mortal like everybody else. I will become everything that I cannot be.


I will not eat.

2 comments:

  1. Venus... I feel for you, I hate the way H is to you and what a difficult position you're in.. I hope things work out. Dreams sometimes show us what we fear, its messed up I know but lets try to put that energy into not eating.

    This post is so inspirational. I want to be beyond eating too. Whenever I dont eat for days I feel invincible.. I want to be like that. We can both do this xx

    Much love xx

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  2. Oh honey.. it's not your body that's the problem.. once apon a time I deluded myself that if only I got my 'dancer's body' back I would be happy and successful, people would stop hurting me, all my problems would go away, etc etc etc. The opposite happened. It nearly killed me, has made me ugly, a loser, unemployable, broke, alone.. I could go on and on. And that's not just me (so to think, oh but that's you, it's not going to be like that for me isn't going to make it different) I've talked to well over 100, probably a few hundred people with anorexia having spent so much time rotting in hospital which is not fun - and all say the same thing. It's wrecked their lives. It's an illusion. And the reality is that not only is your life wrecked but you never ever get to 'enjoy' being thin anyway - because you 1. can't see it and 2. the goal posts keep moving and you are never thin enough. Not even when you are dead.
    Not meaning to come across as.. preachy or anything as I SO understand where you are coming from. Just want you to think about this, a message from someone who could have written exactly the same words a few decades ago and now.. knows where that seductive path really takes you. *hugs* xx

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