Monday, May 7, 2012

Um... water weight?
I know I was that much because I checked twice.
Either way my stomach is super super super upset and I think K is only pretending to be asleep and is reading over my shoulder but I don't really give a fuck right now lol.
I think it's because I panicked yesterday and after eating a chef salad with at least 400 calories of ranch on it with my fingers I threw up. And H heard me throwing up... but I played it off like I got sick. Because my stomach is still upset I can play it off that way too. I think that throwing up set my already broken intestines to unhappy mode.
I think I may have another allergy besides gluten and dairy. I might not even have those ones. I'm really not sure now. There was only one occurrence where a gluten product did not bother me, but I think something was weird in there... like maybe because I ate it with a hot dog, it masked the intensity of it. Then there is the fact that all these years I listened to my mom and thought it was all in my head. I felt like I was making it up. How do you make up a stomach ache in your head? I haven't a clue.
But it was an everyday occurrence so it became normal to me. I thought nothing of it because I was used to it. I didn't know what healthy really felt like, so I didn't have anything to compare it with. Sad.
Anyways... I have some weird thing where most of the time I can't tell whether I am actually hungry or if I just want to eat emotionally, and it ties in with that. Pain is weird for me. It's normal I guess. Pain feels normal to me so it's hard to tell when something is actually wrong. x.x
H was complaining about how expensive gluten free food was. I just stayed silent the entire time we were at the store yesterday. He would pick up some burgers, a pizza crust... His dad got him something from a drive through, and as soon as I smelled it I had to concentrate on controlling myself because I swear I was this close to crying. He kept turning around and asking if I wanted cookies and things, and then he'd be like, "oh yeah you can't have them... sorry." Cookies have gluten in them.
I hate when he complains. He was complaining earlier about having to use a food card too, and needing a job. At least he has a phone and games, and a place to stay no matter what happens. He has a supportive dad. If things get rough for me, I have nothing. I have the streets. I have friends, but no one who would take me in if I got put on the streets. He has several friends who would take him in. I am always envying him. It's hard not to. I am envying a guy who is 24 and living with his dad. I am envying a man in poverty. What does that say about me?
I guess I really need to be greatful for what I have, but when I have to make a list, I have a hard time putting things on it.
Let's see...

  1. I get to make cupcakes. peanut butter ones with chocolate frosting but I guess I forgot cocoa at the store. Oops. I'll pick some up tomorrow... That's one thing.
  2. I am not obese. There is another.
  3. I have food to eat, and water to drink.
  4. I have some friends.
  5. I have an mp3 player- that's nice.
  6. I have an xbox- with no games but an xbox none the less.
  7. I can borrow games from H.
  8. I can watch TV
  9. I can be on the computer
  10. I have a phone
  11. I have someone to pay for my phone
  12. I'm pretty
  13. I am good at writing and drawing
  14. I have pets
  15. I can walk, and talk, and hear. I have no disabilities. I have a fully working body.
See, that right there is 15 things at least. I guess I should stop whining. I am blessed to have all of these things. I am blessed to have a family I can see sometimes. I do love them... Sigh.
I do have a place to stay, a roof over my head. Temporary or not I should be grateful for that.
Wow, I am ungrateful for life.

1 comment:

  1. Hey, you have things :) you're not good at writing and drawing... you're FUCKING AMAZING at writing and drawing! love love love you x