Thursday, May 31, 2012

K did get hired just a few nights ago, a part time job during the day, but before she even started her first day she screwed up. They say very firmly that within 24 hours of the interview you have to go do the drug test and she was too lazy to get there and may have gotten terminated right there. She kept making up stupid excuses.
"I thought it was within 48 hours."
"I have no way to get there."
"I have no money to take the bus. I paid my friend back and now I am broke." (The same friend who supposedly "gave" her lingerie and all those tank tops.)
"I would feel guilty taking dad's change from the counter to get a bus pass."
 She said she was going to beg them to let her do it the nest day...
I don't know if they believed her or not, but chances are she didn't go and do it today, and she is staying at her mom's for a few weeks anyways to help out because her mom is getting a surgery. H is celebrating though- with food.
Anyways, I am almost certain as is everybody else that she got terminated within a day of getting hired.
On another note I applied for a few jobs I know to have open positions and I am crossing my fingers. H didn't get the job I don't think. Cross your fingers for him too. We both really need jobs.
I think maybe, just maybe I will try and do a liquids only fast, preferably a water only three day fast. If I can convince H that it will be good for me- flush out bad toxins and all that- maybe I can get him to keep me in check. I probably won't last very long, less than a day because I am bad at fasting when food is shoved in my face and is only steps away in the other room...
But it's worth a try right?
My dear mother took me to get fish- bless her heart.
I got two more danios to make it a complete school of 6. I got six tetras which I love but they die too easy :/ and I got three gouramis which will always be my favorite since they were the first kind I ever had back when H first bought me fish.
I ended up going over to R's with H (Yay I got included!) and when I came back today, three of my tetras were dead.
I am doing awful on the food range again. I just can't explain the constant failure. I'm sorry.

Monday, May 28, 2012

H just got a job interview. He's there right now. If he gets this job...
I had a panic attack when I heard and completely broke down. Him getting an interview puts things in perspective a little bit. I will never get a job before I am kicked out. I might as well hit the streets right now for all the good it is doing me. I curled up into a ball and was hyperventilating.
I called my mom and almost went home. I called her back and told her I changed my mind. I talked to her for a while.
She will take me on Friday to get a bank account so that I can sell my drawings online. She will give me rent then too. She also said she will find a little money before then, because that day is payday, and take me to go get fish tomorrow. It makes me feel better I guess...
I have been very numb lately. the kind where you are in so much pain you become apart from it for a little while.
H has become my bully. He gets angry with me every day now. I cry a lot. He pulls me down. Then he hugs me, says he's sorry and let's me sit in his lap for a while. If I for a moment go to check my email or anything else, the moment is lost. Then I am sitting there pathetic and lonely for hours. I ask him if I can come back in his lap, his arms, and he gets angry. It is a cycle.
Now, when he holds me, I only feel sadder, because I know it is only part of a cycle. It is only temporary until he tells me I am not good enough again. Until he tells me, "You are never good enough." It may not be those words, but it is everything else. It's the look in his eyes, the tone of his voice... It is his way of striking out to hurt me.
I am lost in that circle. Now, when he says that I can do it, that I am beautiful, that I am perfect the way I am, I know the truth. I know when he is lying. I know when I mean nothing to him, but a doll to play with between the commercials of his life. I mean nothing to him. I am nothing to him. And I never will be.
This may be harsh, but this is my reality.
My reality is crying everyday because I feel lonely, because no one will call me up and ask if I would like to hang out with them. I cry, because my life is empty. My home is just a house, with people inside who despise me for who and what I am. There is no bed, everything is covered in wet mold. There is little food, if I even wanted to eat any. There are no friendly faces. There is no good morning and good night to the world, just me, in a dark room, crying myself to sleep next to the one that got away. I have one pair of jeans and one t-shirt. I just barely got enough money to buy myself some new undergarments, which I am going to have to use sparingly, as I have no way to wash them right now. 
There is no love here, no respect, and the little friendliness I do receive on a daily basis is defied but what I know lies ahead, what really exists inside that person who calls me his friend.
What does life even consist of? What is life besides the consistent beating of my heart?
I hope you all are doing okay, because I am having the time of my life.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

***Cartoon Girls Are Skinny***

How about totally spies?


Kim possible?

Scooby Doo?


Anyone ever seen the cartoon Winx Club?


Nothing else matters but being skinny. I don't even care anymore if becoming skinny means losing my beauty. I don't care if I look sick and half starved. I need to be smaller. I need to be the smallest.
I ate, but I won't anymore for the day. If I exercise and eat less it should be easy to achieve my goals.
If I block everything else out and just focus on losing weight, I will be happier, because the only thing that will matter is my weight, and that will be dropping.
The feeling of my ribs pushing against my skin, and the cold in the middle of summer, and my clothes hanging off of my body like rags... that is all I want, all I need from now on. What a dream to be able to dream.
I will not eat.

I will not eat.


Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I don't want to eat anymore. H has gone to R's already. He left first thing in the morning. I felt safe because he said he wouldn't be awake by the time his dad left for work and he might walk up if it wasn't raining, but he left with his dad anyways. I have no reason to be unhappy about that but I am.

I had a dream he was leaving again. I dreamed he was going to live somewhere else. I dreamed he had a job and a life beyond me. And I would beg him and cry and just act all around clingy, and his friend would tell him I didn't matter, to leave me behind. His friends looked at me with distaste like I was something they would scrape off the bottom of their shoes. And he just sighed and said don't worry, in an irritated voice. I won't be gone forever. But I knew he would be. And he left anyways. He didn't want or need me. It was an awful dream. I am that awful, pathetic girl. I am what my dreams tell me I am. And he is, and always will be, beyond my grasp.

I don't want to be this way anymore but I don't know how not to be. I cannot escape my own misery. I will not eat until he gets back. That is my plan. I have not eaten yet. My stomach has been having hunger pains all morning but it is slowly fading. I cannot eat. If I eat, I will be fat, and ugly and stupid for the rest of my life. Each day I fail, each bad choice I make, pushes me farther into that place I cannot be. I need to be above this all. I need control. I cannot be human like everyone else. I need to be beyond that. I want to be immortal like a vampire or a werewolf. I have been watching the fourth twilight movie. She is beautiful because she could not eat, so neither will I.

I cannot explain this need I have. I cannot explain why I will not eat, but I can't. I can't do it. It's like I am in my own world, my own safe place, like I am untouchable, invincible, immortal. But only when I don't eat. If I touch food I will die. I will become mortal like everybody else. I will become everything that I cannot be.

I will not eat.

Monday, May 21, 2012

***Favorite Pussycat Dolls Videos***

I Hate This Part Right Here-
Not the most upbeat song but it's beautiful and this video is the one where they look the best to me. This one really (thin)inspires me. They are so gorgeous!

One of my favorites. I love the dancing and the song.

Just Amazing the way they look. I can't get over it.

When I grow Up-
I love the way the guys are looking at them from their cars.

Wait A Minute-
In this one I love the scene in the streets. They are all wearing such cute clothes!

I Don't Need A Man-
Just so true it doesn't need an explanation either. This one is also very (thin)inspirational to me


Bottle Pop

Hush Hush

***Pussycat Dolls***

For some reason all these girls look fat to me... Their midsections might be okay, but look at all those fat thighs... The lead singer- second from the right- looks pretty good though.

I have read that she weights about 125 pounds or around in there...

That's her.


Nicole Scherzinger from the pussycat dolls.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

I woke up and weighed in at 158 lbs.
I ate all day, didn't exercise...
Weighed in without clothes before my bath- at 156.5 lbs.
I guess I shouldn't weight myself in a sweatshirt...
What a relief!
K cannot get skinnier than me. I will make sure to lose weight now. I have to make sure.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

I look pregnant with this sandwich in me. I got so tired of having to compare my body to K's in an attempt to make myself feel better. No matter what she just looks skinnier than me. Maybe it is because I feel so fat. Anyways I put a sweat shirt on. She can show me her body all she wants the slut. She wears nothing but lacy tank tops in an attempt to make herself more appealing I imagine. I don't care. She can't see my body in this sweatshirt, so I know what she looks like, and she can't look at me. Foot long sub, please don't hate me.
Hey cherries have a laxative effect. I saw them earlier when I was at the stores. Natural laxatives can't be as bad for the body as the pill kind, and I hate pills. They make me gag. This is also a good way to have laxies in front of everyone without them knowing it. I mean, if they search your room for laxatives and find none, and then think that you have a suddenly like for cherries...
So I decided to make a list of foods with a natural laxative affect.
I got tired of typing it out and figured I would add the link for a source anyways...
The only experience I have had with any food being laxatives is maybe the cherries, and something about raw vegetables. My parents would take fresh vegetables from the garden in their front yard and use them in their salsa, but they always used gloves and told us something about it giving you diarrhea or something. I don't know why touching them would do that, but they sell them fresh at the store and there is no issues so I wonder what that was about...

My friend left me a bunch of apples though. That will be really nice. Go to 2:10 if you don't want to watch the entire thing for any reason. He talks about only eating a few pieces of fruit a day and it really inspires me. He seems almost proud of it...

Also, the actual song he wrote, Ana's Song:

When I first realized I had an eating disorder, I loved song for some reason. It fits into a very very dark part of my life. I was still living with my parents then, and I was still in school I think. I would ask my mom if I could use the computer and I would put in my headphones and I would just listen to it over and over again.
H and I got in a big fight last night. I just completely broke down and I just sat there in the hallway with nothing to say anymore and I just cried. When he gets irritated with me he starts to tell me everything that is wrong with me, and then justifies himself by saying it's the "truth". After a while he calmed down, I stopped crying. He cornered me on the bed and said he was sorry and hugged me, and then stupidly asked if I felt better. I shook my head no and started crying again. And he says, why not? And I said, because you were mean to me. And he starts trying to reassure me with a voice that sounded like he was going to start crying too. It's like, you hurt me you bastard, it doesn't just go away now that you aren't angry anymore. He told me he really cared about me and that he would do better and treat me better. he said he would tell me what's wrong from now on instead of going around it. He won't. it's all just empty promises...
Empty promises and broken dreams...

At least he is gone all day. I can starve all I want. If he really cares, then when I start to dwindle away he might feel my pain...

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Lol he can be as nice as he wants and he is. I don't want anything to have to do with him now. He can work for it this time.
Wow. He went and got a haircut after I already said I could give him one. And it is super short like he hates. He also has a giant caveman beard. Holy fuck he looks like a fucktard. See if I care if he wants my attention. He knows I'm in a bad mood by now, he just isn't sure why. He can fuck off.
Men hating should be a sport by now. It's the same empty promises and lies. H is seriously mistaken if he thinks anyone will ever except him when he disrespects them that way. He promised to take a walk with me if I ate. I gave in more because he was getting frustrated with me. he never went on a walk with me. I asked him at the end of that day and he made an angry noise and said angrily, "I'll be done in a minute." So I told him to stay on his game and to forget about it. if he is going to go on a walk but be angry with me for days afterwards because he felt like I needed him too much... Not going to deal with it. Afterwards he made kind eyes at me and said, "you know, I would have gone on that walk with you the other day." I didn't even respond.
Then I get super upset because I was stressed out about not being able to get a job... Y decided he was going to get an apartment with his brother. There is no way I would even talk him into letting me stay then either. His brother hates me and I am not going to live with someone who has no respect for me for six or more months. Not a chance.
H says, "I'll help you get a job tomorrow. We'll go online and I will help you with applications." He didn't.
I didn't even have time to prepare myself for him going over to R's because he told me for days he wasn't going over there this week because R's was too messy and it stressed him out. He decided in seconds and suddenly says, "I'm going over to R's. Want the food card? Want me to leave my wallet here?" I told him to basically get lost.
I asked him to no matter what leave the last $15 dollars on the card for me. Without asking me he spent a ton of it on burgers for his pals at game night- it was his night to bring food- and something else too. I was left with $8 which he ended up spending on drinks anyways. There is a few dollars left, but it is maybe half way through the month and all $300+ is gone.
He said he was coming home today. I don't even have to say it for you to get it.
I am angry with him.
He did say at one point when I was talking to him that maybe once he had paid off his debt and had a job he would give me another chance. That means things could get better... if he gets a job. if too much time passes and he doesn't have a job, his chances are screwed. Even worse, I know his dad doesn't want me here forever, but now my only chance for getting out before I end up on the streets is getting a job. I am so lost.
My life sucks. Like really, not just "I had a bad hair day and lost a dollar and my date cancelled on me and I can't find my favorite lipstick" kind of sucks. My life really sucks.
I hate H.
Oh my goodness I love my mom!!!
I asked for some new shampoo and conditioner because I am almost out here, and I said if she could just find some around the house I would be grateful. We always have a ton around the house there. But my dad drops off some things for me, and in it are two brand new family sized bottles. It's the brand I like too.
Also, she knows how upset I was when they took my favorite scent off the market. Vanilla is the best scent ever! And she found some with vanilla extract that smells really good too!
I love my mom!!!
This is the first time in days that K has not been in the room, so I have a little privacy for the moment. I am having a hard time weight wise. Awful time with food...

Saturday, May 12, 2012

I find that given all chance to rise to the challenge and succeed, I fail. But when I am given almost no chance to succeed I fight to the death until I am the victor. For that reason, I am going to do something a bit weird. I will allow myself to eat today. If I really want to eat something, I will go and eat it. I will drink soda until that moment comes, which it will. I will not say that I can't eat anymore.
The more restrictions I give myself, the more my brain points me in their direction. Until it becomes unimportant I will fail because I will always want what I cannot have. If it is always in my reach, I will have the opportunity to turn food down, without telling myself I just can't have it. I won't want it.
See if you can work out this puzzle that is the human mind.
155.6 pounds
I won't complain too much. I am still under the goal I just passed... again.
And I am wearing thick jeans that are way too big on me- which feels nice. I am too little for size 12 now! Yay!
Also, H will be gone all day, so I can control my own eating.
I hope today is a good day. :)
My weight has gone up and down and up and down and I am probably a lot more than I'd like to be, but that's okay because things WILL get better. I am determined to make them. I have been a bit stressed out the last few days and just gorged myself on chocolate and chips and things. It is hard to eat right when you are gluten intolerant.
I went crazy last night and said, eff it, I can't have a gluten allergy anyways. I went and at some gluten rich foods and now I am still regretting it. I have slept a good number of hours since then and my stomach is still acting like I stabbed it and punched it and maybe like a car ran into it.
One issue I have is that my stomach is very loud and you can actually hear when I am hungry. So no matter how much I tell H that I am not hungry, he knows when I am lying.
Also, I hear it is not normal to feel like puking when you are hungry... I have that too.
Right now my stomach is a combination of disgustingly unhappy, and hungry with the nausea sensation... I am not having fun with it. This may sound super painful but I have grown so used to pain it is a friend to me and doesn't usually bother me. It is the annoyance of an itch I guess I could say... except that itches probably bother me more.
I weighed myself after eating yesterday, and after drinking a lot of fluids, so I am not sure what I weigh but I will be checking here in a bit.
Also- last year I helped H lose some weight by writing out a plan for him and having him go on walks with me. He stopped listening to what I said about weigh when things started falling apart and he gained it all back. He just asked me to write the plan out for him again and have him follow it. H is a big guy. He is maybe 5 foot 7, and weighs 170 pounds- but this is just a very general number that is probably off. Either way, he is a big guy. He wants to lose weight. He lost twenty or thirty pounds last year on my plan, before distancing himself from me and gaining it all back...
He has a few great things going for him, one of those is that he is so big. When you are overweight, your metabolism is incredible. Your body knows some of it needs to go and makes it possible, all you have to do is watch what you eat, and how much you eat, and preferably exercise sometimes. Another thing in his favor- he's a guy. It has been proven that men will lose weight faster than women a lot of times, because they already have a great metabolism. I think it has something to do with their bodies needing or wanting to revert to a muscled state. You know how young men, when they hit 10th or 11th grade they just suddenly turn into all muscle? Their bodies will continue to do that naturally for ten or so more years. Ten is a very general number though, so don't quote me on that one.
Men also have to eat more.
So my plan, was to separate his meals out several times a day, like I told you girls to when you hit a plateau. I told him to keep his calorie count between 2000-2500 because that is a good amount for a man, for a woman, generally around 1500 is a good number. That's why it is so effective for a short period of time when you consume any number of calories below 1500 for a day. That's actually what I measure my eating disorder by. If I eat more than 1500 calories a day, I can't have a disorder, but I will also gain weight- that's my fear anyways.
But like I was saying... I think I will moderate the old plan, especially because I can't remember the exact old one, but this time I will factor in things like fruits and veggie servings, eating more before exercising, and I will add in certain guidelines for drinks. I am a lot more knowledgeable about those things now.
I honestly am just honored that he would ask em to make him a plan again, instead of figuring it out himself. That means he respects my vast knowledge of health and weight loss science, and admits that I know it better than him. That means that he is aware that I am the reason he lost weight last time, and he acknowledges that it worked. This means a lot of things, but mostly I am just happy that he asked little old me to help him! :)
I'm okay. Thanks you for caring :)
Um let's see...
K got super controlling... H came back just for an hour or so with R, I'm not sure4 why. He ended up asking me to come over, spending all his time and attention with trying to make me happy.
So I ended up going over to R's. I had something of a panic attack yesterday morning and got mad at him and actually got him to admit he likes me. Great and all, but this is what he said, "I do like you, but I just didn't feel the connection." That broke my heart again.
Thinking about it, and I don't know if this is me fooling myself or not, I think the connection people seek so much is just the love in of itself. I think we did not get the chance to fully create this connection because of what happened when I was on meds. I also feel like maybe he is just putting that up as a defense mechanism, and it just means he isn't ready and I need to be patient. Either way he has been almost overly nice and it looks completely to me as if he is head over heels in love with me. The funny part is, now that he is doing the pursuing, I kind of have the need for distance. I don't care for him around all the time asking me if I'm okay and making sure I live like a princess. He says that I have just had a hard time lately and have a hard life and he wants to help me succeed, which is cute, but you and I know the truth. "Just" sets the foundation for an excuse.
He's going to gaming today and probably tomorrow but I don't think I am much bothered by that.
I'm also going to set up a bank account on Monday and get phone minutes from Y then. He will pay and has paid $50 a month for a while now so that I have unlimited minutes on my phone. That's fine with me. He texts good morning and good night and everything in between- everything unnecessary, so if he is going to use up all those texts he might as well pay for it right?
I think I might just go to college for art stuffs, more because I think that is something I can handle without needing meds too much.
Oh also, another new development with H.
I found two razors and so I had ten dollars to spend on whatever I liked. I found a cute pair of little black short that could almost have been underwear. Maybe I just wanted to tease H a bit but I really did need a pair of shorts. I have never had a pair of shorts before in my life, and nothing near that short. So I took a shower and came out all shaved and soft with that tiny pair of shorts and a bright pink tank top with white stripes on it. I went over to sit by the computer and he asked why I was sitting "over there" which means he wants me near him. I said there was no place to sit and he spread his legs and patted the floor between them. "You want me to sit in your lap?" He nods.
I know he is usually turned on by me when I wear something tiny and a tank top that slides down to show lots of cleavage. I mean, what guy isn't? After a while I made a sad face and tried to stand up and go into the other room and he grabbed me and pulled my legs to his chest an looked up at me. He asked what was wrong. I told him, "You don't find me attractive anymore."
He told me that I looked very attractive and that's why certain parts of his anatomy... you get the picture.
Also today for the first time he directly slapped my butt. I am always slapping people's butts, it's more of a habit built over many years with my sisters, but he slapped my butt!!!
I don't know what is going on between us but I don't care because I am getting a positive feeling about it all. I think I just want to start building up some achievements and actually do something with my life, and stay friends with him, and the rest will follow. Maybe if we both had jobs and a life we were working on living, the rest would just follow after- all the love or connection or whatever it is that he feels is missing.
Long post I will rap it up....
I just haven't posted because R's computer is so slow and I did not feel like I was in a safe environment, so I am sorry about that.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

K finally left me alone for a while. She has been sitting next to me telling me what to do and what not to do for two days now. I just want a moment alone on the computer to do whatever the fuck I want. She knows I won't stand up to her without H or dad around. I don't want to risk pissing the bitch off. It is not my home and I have no ground or right to say anything.
She also just pulled out a brand new looking razor- the kind that is motorized or whatever, not the little plastic disposables I would be lucky to get my hands on. She says she had it from before when she was in the Navy, but it still bothers me. I haven't been able to shave my legs in over a month- probably several.
I haven't had access to any of my stuff for over a year now. I have nice things, or at least a few things I like, but they are out of my reach. I cannot bring anything here unless it is absolutely necessary. I hate it.
She throws all this in my face, but whether or not it's on purpose I don't care. I still say she is a bitch.
Also she has started to obsess about the game on Facebook too. Suddenly I feel very little interest in it.
She also told me I should go get something to eat. She says I have been saying how hungry I am for the past hour or so, but I don't remember making any comments like that. I told her I guess I wasn't hungry anymore. If she fucking starts forcing me to eat like she did last spring when I was underage and she had a way to control me, I swear to god I will...
Last spring she invited me over for the first time in a while. I didn't know her brothers, and to be honest, I hardly knew her. She is awful at cooking- still- and she would make this disgusting concoctions and then tell me if I didn't eat then she would send me home. I had no will. I had no voice. I had no control over my own life. Going home became such a terrifying thing that I put up with all of the shit she dealt me. I did everything she asked, and she treated me like a child, and so I still hate when people call me Hun, or honey, sweetheart, babe... Fuck anyone who calls me that. I won't listen to shit like that.
She was controlling with everything. She controlled the people I saw, the activities I did, and every other element of my life. I hate that bitch with a vengeance. I forget just how much sometimes. I try not to hate but when someone so utterly fucks with your life... I can understand why that girl killed herself. She must have been through with K too.
154.5 pounds.
I guess the scale was in the bathroom, it was just tucked away behind some clothes and stuff.
Yay! And I am wearing heavy jeans.
I felt like I ate a lot yesterday though...
Early in the morning I had a little bit of two kinds of cereal- gluten free- in the same milk- lactose free- and I had... The rest of my gluten free crackers with mustard. I also had some of the chocolate protein drink, probably about half of that. I had... well gees I can't remember more than that...
Then last night I had two hot dogs in buns and this weird onion thing that K made and let me have one.
It tasted fatty and disgusting and I didn't finish, but it was basically an onion sliced apart a pit and there is butter shoved between the layers and put in the over to melt with some beef flavoring but I didn't taste that part. Then it was taken out and she put cheese- a light colored kind- on it. It wasn't too bad but it could be improved upon a lot. K and her onion obsession...
But I looked it up and onions aren't a huge amount of calories. I also had radishes dipped in mustard. I have created for myself an addiction to dipping things, and an addiction to mustard and it makes any low calorie food bearable to eat. It makes me feel like I am eating something more substantial than vegetables. It seems that because mustard is a condiment you associate with hamburgers and other high in fat, high calorie food, that it would be bad for you, but mustard actually contains no calories.
Oh I just found a dry mark on my hand. I forgot about those... it's exema I think. It's like dry, rough, blistery things where my fingers bend and it hurts. I have had exema since I was a baby, which actually a doctor told me is a sign of gluten intolerance.
I set up testing for this Monday because the office wouldn't stop calling, but now I am thinking I will cancel. it's just going to be extra money my mom will whine about, and I really don't want doctors poking and prodding me. i haven't the slightest idea of what they will even be testing me for or what kind of tests. i have an anxiety surrounding doctors and hospitals, to the point where if I was hit by a car I would rather try and sleep it off and bleed out. I don't know how I ended up there at the beginning of the year.
Hate K.
She says, "I have no makeup." And pours out bags and bags of the stuff.
She says, "I think I'll try on my new outfit..." She puts on this lovely outfit, and then decides it isn't good enough and changes to another outfit. She has a lot of new clothes and other things. She talks about being fat and disgusting, which makes me feel like she is talking about me.
Then she talks about how she charmed some guy at the bar into letting her in for free and paying for all of her drinks for her. She's not even pretty. It feels like an insult, or a punch in the stomach that anyone else could actually not see the monster inside her.
I sat here on the computer and just watched her apply and reapply all her miserable make up. She doesn't look any better with it on either. But then she gave me a few of her old stuff like it meant nothing to her. I feel poor and pathetic, even next to the poor and pathetic. My only solution is to fight to get smaller than her. I have to be the skinniest. I NEED to be size zero.
R has started playing happy pets too. It takes all the fun out of playing. Not only do I just not want to think about R because of the way he is treating me, but he will actually spend the money to get Facebook credits, something I can't do, and he will automatically try and beat my level. It's no fun when someone else makes it competitive. I don't know if I will keep playing...
That was pretty much the only thing I had to occupy my time. Now I have to pick up and find something else. Why do the men in my life always strive to do everything better than me? My brother does it too and that's why I stopped playing Runescape. I was still higher level than him but after he got a member's account- which helps you level up pretty fast, the only thing he could ask was what level I was overall. I gave him a fake number to make him leave me alone. I used to love that game and now it holds no joy for me.
I think there are very few things I actually enjoy anymore.
R is already level 7 and he started last night. He is fully enjoying the game. Good for him. I am tired of all this. My entire day just crashed again. It's a good thing I haven't eaten- yet. I think I am going to finish my chocolate protein drink or something...

***I Just Want To Be Beautiful***

I have hiccups because my stomach is so hungry... : )
I can't weigh myself right now because the scale got moved back out of the bathroom, probably I am starting to think because of me. But I must say I feel smaller, even if it is because I changed into another pair of pants yesterday and it was a size 12 instead of my regular size 10. I didn't realize what size it was when I put it on. H is still gone and I don't have my ingredients. It has become extremely exciting when H actually pulls through with something he says he is going to do, like coming home at a certain time, so when he actually does pull through... never mind that never happens.
When his dad got back without him I just asked, "So... Thursday right?"
And then he texted back not to worry, I would get all the stuff I asked for on Wednesday night (tonight). I texted back asking if he would just send it home with his dad on his way back from work and all I got was a solitary no. I honestly would like to know these things, it has nothing to do with wanting H to spend more time around me. I don't bug him to come back, I just ask when, but I still think he interprets it so and believes negatively of me. So frustrating. When I move out and will have my own room, and my own things, and my own BED, I will not care either way. But until then... He's just going to be a dick about it.
So it sounds as if he is planning to come back tonight, although why, I haven't a clue. R has his day off tonight and I don't know why H wouldn't stay to hang out. He probably will. i just hate when he knowingly lies to me like he did last night. He would have KNOWN that he wasn't coming back. K knew, I knew, his dad knew. I hate the lying. If he effing just says, yeah I am staying over for two night, I am not going to simultaneously explode or anything- the ass hole...

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

The internet went down this morning and I panicked. Lol it's a good thing the old man loves his internet just as much as I love his internet so he went immediately to get it put back.
I ate like a pig, or at least I made it seem like that. i had a little bit of everything but all in all I don't think too many calories. H and his dad are gone. They went to R's because R wanted to talk to them. i'm afraid it's about me. I'm afraid if R made it between me and him, they would choose him- because he is family, not because they don't believe me. It's like what H said the other day, "He's my only sibling I get along with." In other words, I love my brother. I would understand and forgive him for that, but I hope H doesn't do something he will regret. He does have a heart, and he does know right from wrong, and if he made a decision that he would regret... I just want him to be safe and happy.
I am leaving my options open when it comes to H.
When I first came back here weeks ago or however long it has been, whenever I would sleep next to him, he would have his entire body facing away from me. Last night he pulled me in to his side and said goodnight. Joking or not, now he smiles when he wakes up because he has rolled over yet again and I am tucking the blanket back around him. It was thrown off of half of him, and I couldn't resist. Things are better but I don't want to raise my hopes. If he is stuck in that delusion that he only likes me as friends for the rest of his life then I need to move on. Either way, I am accepting that there is a chance, and yet not trying to focus in on it.
I have been on dating sites, and there is one or two who I chat with. I flirt with my friend from across the country. He will joke with me and we'll call each other sexy. He isn't bad looking either. And I must say, he is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. I mean, i met him on runescape when he asked if I was lost- his character asked mine. Then he would bring me places I wanted to go and help me quest and stuff. I don't play runescape anymore and neither does he, because I am pretty sure neither of us have a deep interest in games like H, but we still talk and I have talked on the phone with him. If he lived nearby, I would take the opportunity in a heartbeat...
I am dying my hair again. I am using ash brown to try and remove some of the orange-yellow coloring. Then I have another light blond for later. No one is here but me.
I hope H comes back tonight. I mean, I don't want to hate when he is gone but... I'll be fine. It will just mean he will be gone for two or more nights instead of just one. R only has one day off this week.
I'm also afraid R will actually come through for someone for once in his life, and get H a job at the store he works at. I asked him to do the same a long time ago and he said he did talk to the manager but I know he lied. But if H really does get a job there, he will end up staying at R's for months at least because it will be easier for him to get to work that way. That is what I don't want. But it is stupid of me to think that way. H really does need a job, even though I'm the one who is going to end up homeless without a job soon. I don't know how long these people can handle me being around. They already kicked me out twice before...
My stomach is on hungry mode. Yayness. I probably won't eat until H gets up and makes me.
I think I weigh like, 155.3 or something.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Chocolate Whips yogurt- 160
There I ate. Now I am slightly grumpy... And I wanna try out my new gluten free pancake mix... grumble grumble... sigh. >.<
I'm actually terrified I will move out and he won't miss me at all, or he will say he just misses me as friends. I am terrified we will never get anywhere. I'm terrified to be involved again, and terrified to be hurt again. I am also terrified if I stay here nothing will happen. Sigh...
I think maybe I am giving him too much attention though. I am giving him space sometimes. And I don't get emotional around him. I was messed up all yesterday and he kept trying to get me to tell him what was wrong but I couldn't say. I'm not sure I knew.
Guys can be really shallow when it comes to emotions. He will continue to  believe he doesn't have any for me. For someone with such a high IQ, this one can be pretty stupid.
For example, he thinks to lose weight he needs diet food. HELLO! It's called portion control!
Men. x.x
I am so glad my little sisters are growing up to be extremely sexist. They don't need men until they are good and ready. Well... Some of my sisters anyways. I have too many.
Weird mood almost right now. I can't quite place it...
Every time I smell spring it is a flashback and I end up going down memory lane with extremely precise details...

Ugh he is trying to get me to eat. I should not have mentioned I was hungry. I think I am just trying to get him to make food for me because I m too lazy to do it myself.

My mom brought by some make up for me. *Love my mom!*
I think she took it out of her own makeup too. In it is a pencil sharpener. My eyeliner was going dull. That eyeliner was my only makeup too. She also put in a hair brush even though she couldn't find mine. Moms are awesome. She really does try...
Isn't mother's day coming up???
H just poked me in the butt with a bowl I asked him to find for me... Normal... It's completely normal...
And I just discovered there was no brown sugar. I know who ate it... K.
H tsk tsk tsk...
He's flirting with me x.x
And he probably doesn't realize it.
He always likes to grab me when I'm going to leave the room. He'll grab me around the middle or grab my leg and then ask why I'm not leaving. Then he tickles me which I HATE. I was just trying to escape and he tried to bring me into the other room and I grabbed the doorway and brought us both down and then I tried to bite him which he thought was hilarious. then I used my last defense. I pulled his socks off and threw them. I would be kidnapped really easy... x.x
I'm not sure I like it. There is no way for me to not flirt back then unless I want to sound really pissed and make him upset. Maybe that is what I should do... but I can't handle that kind of stress when I am living with him. Sigh...
He has also started with the... I don't know what to call it.
When we were a couple he used to just grab my ass and honk my boobs all the time. Yes it's awful but when it's gone I feel... like my body is unappreciated. I wouldn't mind a whistle from a construction worker every once in a while you know?
But lately he hasn't exactly started it up again, but he is avoiding my butt less. Like when he tried to roll me over to see my face, I think he purposely grabbed my butt. Before when he did that a few weeks ago he would carefully avoid touching any inappropriate places. Also, earlier he put the little blond dog on my legs and made her paws paw at my behind. Idk if it's just random playing and I am thinking too much into it, but it seems to me to have some underlying meaning that he isn't purposely and blatantly trying to send across. I am probably thinking too much into it.
He does get angry at me less lately. And he seeks out my attention sometimes. It's weird. I'm not sure what to think or do. I think I will just let it go. I haven't been going on nightly crying jags for a while either. I haven't said anything about the breakup or us in any kind of person way. I haven't blamed him for anything. I haven't confronted him for more than why he wouldn't stick up for me against R. But I let it go. I am learning to let go a bit. I am a control freak sometimes, but I am using my control elsewhere ;)
I am still gearing up for when he goes over to R's without me. I will learn to get along without him. I will be fine, and I need to be fine and let him go. Fat chance of letting him go but yeah.
Happy pets on Facebook. Lol. I love animals and I am OCD and love collecting.
I have been on it for hours just waiting to see what color the new kitten in the basket will be. x.x
That is what it means to have no life.
I have gained a new user. Danii I apologize. I slightly panicked when I saw your name and I won't say why. I got paranoid that you were K and I'm sorry. I have this somewhat but not completely irrational fear that K will make her own account and pretend to be friends with me. Stupid right?
I still haven't gotten around to making the cupcakes. I am eating a fruit cup of pears. 70 calories I believe.
I have developed this awful habit. Every time I sit down i naturally tuck my left leg under me and then it falls asleep. Every single time I have sat down in the last week I have done this. I don't even think about it. It's weird...
H is up...
Oh and Miss Mad, I also am lactose intolerant. I do believe I have a gluten allergy. H has pretty much confirmed it with his ridiculous experiments. I haven't been super stressed lately for some reason. Probably because it is spring. And when I can blog a lot and spend a lot of time online I relax. I need a computer...
I was just panicking and when I panic I start to doubt EVERYTHING.
Love all
Ugh. I went to make myself a veggie dog; 30-40 calories each by the way, and I put them in the microwave and check out the package and there is gluten in them. Now I feel guilty for asking H for them. No one else will eat the veggie ones... So I thought, I would tell him I ate them before I checked the package.
Then I got out my very expensive gluten free hot dog buns- made out of tapioca?- and they are molded over even though we got them yesterday. I didn't know what to do because now I feel double awful so I just put them back in the bag and put the bag back. I threw away the hot dogs. I buried them in the garbage. I feel so stupid. I feel like I selfishly asked for something expensive and then just threw it away. It makes me feel selfish. I don't know how I'm going to tell him.
I even feel like maybe I made up the whole gluten thing. I did eat that regular hot dog bun the other day and I was fine. I just can't tell anymore. Something really is upsetting my stomach every day but it could be something like stress. I stress out too much. I really don't know either way. Going for a few weeks without gluten really did make the stomach aches stop, but I don't understand... Sigh.
It's like the time he bought me a cream soda in a special brand and I said it tasted disgusting and I felt really awful afterwards, but without him knowing I poured the thing out anyways. I still feel guilty about that. I feel ungrateful.
I'm going to make cupcakes today. I guess not soon though, because K got up and turned the oven on for some reason. She better not have decided to copy me like she always does. It's funny but also annoying. Why does she suddenly want to do everything I do? Can't she get her own life? At least my ideas are original. She doesn't even have her own personality because she is always too busy pretending to be someone else- pretending to be everyone else around her.
A friend of hers killed herself because K wouldn't stop pretending to be her. That's the story I heard anyways. It's very disturbing to have your own personality mirrored back to you. It's disturbing especially for me, because I have fought very hard my entire life to find some individuality. I need to be different and unique. It is crushing to be told that every one of your sister laughs and talks and LOOKS just like you do. I was always one of the girls. I was never myself.
I'm sipping a vanilla latte protein drink right now trying to calm down. I don't know why I have been so on edge lately. I need to lose weight though, that is for certain.
When I was in the store yesterday I saw the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She was perfect in every way. She was wearing sweat shorts that bagged around her perfectly tanned legs and tiny ass, and she has dark brown hair and the perfect jock face with pretty eyes... And she was sitting there talking ecstatically to a guy who was just grinning ear to ear he was so happy that she was talking to him. I need to be like that. I need to be first, pretty, and then maybe I can achieve beautiful. The perfect size zero. That's what I need to be.

I also need to slim down for swimsuit season. I have never worn a two piece before because I wasn't allowed- Mormon rules- and now Y says he will buy me one so that I can go swimming. My old swimsuits are too big anyways. But I have to lose weight first!
Um... water weight?
I know I was that much because I checked twice.
Either way my stomach is super super super upset and I think K is only pretending to be asleep and is reading over my shoulder but I don't really give a fuck right now lol.
I think it's because I panicked yesterday and after eating a chef salad with at least 400 calories of ranch on it with my fingers I threw up. And H heard me throwing up... but I played it off like I got sick. Because my stomach is still upset I can play it off that way too. I think that throwing up set my already broken intestines to unhappy mode.
I think I may have another allergy besides gluten and dairy. I might not even have those ones. I'm really not sure now. There was only one occurrence where a gluten product did not bother me, but I think something was weird in there... like maybe because I ate it with a hot dog, it masked the intensity of it. Then there is the fact that all these years I listened to my mom and thought it was all in my head. I felt like I was making it up. How do you make up a stomach ache in your head? I haven't a clue.
But it was an everyday occurrence so it became normal to me. I thought nothing of it because I was used to it. I didn't know what healthy really felt like, so I didn't have anything to compare it with. Sad.
Anyways... I have some weird thing where most of the time I can't tell whether I am actually hungry or if I just want to eat emotionally, and it ties in with that. Pain is weird for me. It's normal I guess. Pain feels normal to me so it's hard to tell when something is actually wrong. x.x
H was complaining about how expensive gluten free food was. I just stayed silent the entire time we were at the store yesterday. He would pick up some burgers, a pizza crust... His dad got him something from a drive through, and as soon as I smelled it I had to concentrate on controlling myself because I swear I was this close to crying. He kept turning around and asking if I wanted cookies and things, and then he'd be like, "oh yeah you can't have them... sorry." Cookies have gluten in them.
I hate when he complains. He was complaining earlier about having to use a food card too, and needing a job. At least he has a phone and games, and a place to stay no matter what happens. He has a supportive dad. If things get rough for me, I have nothing. I have the streets. I have friends, but no one who would take me in if I got put on the streets. He has several friends who would take him in. I am always envying him. It's hard not to. I am envying a guy who is 24 and living with his dad. I am envying a man in poverty. What does that say about me?
I guess I really need to be greatful for what I have, but when I have to make a list, I have a hard time putting things on it.
Let's see...

  1. I get to make cupcakes. peanut butter ones with chocolate frosting but I guess I forgot cocoa at the store. Oops. I'll pick some up tomorrow... That's one thing.
  2. I am not obese. There is another.
  3. I have food to eat, and water to drink.
  4. I have some friends.
  5. I have an mp3 player- that's nice.
  6. I have an xbox- with no games but an xbox none the less.
  7. I can borrow games from H.
  8. I can watch TV
  9. I can be on the computer
  10. I have a phone
  11. I have someone to pay for my phone
  12. I'm pretty
  13. I am good at writing and drawing
  14. I have pets
  15. I can walk, and talk, and hear. I have no disabilities. I have a fully working body.
See, that right there is 15 things at least. I guess I should stop whining. I am blessed to have all of these things. I am blessed to have a family I can see sometimes. I do love them... Sigh.
I do have a place to stay, a roof over my head. Temporary or not I should be grateful for that.
Wow, I am ungrateful for life.

***Models- Objects in the Mirror***

Have a good look at these two women, both wearing the same bathing suit. Which one, in your opinion, would you consider as ‘sexier’?
Now, which one do you suppose was raved over as being 'sensational' by judges of one of those ubiquitous ‘I wanna be a supermodel’ type reality shows, and which one was reduced to tears after being harshly criticized for not taking her diet and exercise regime seriously?
Go on... guess…
Yeah, wasn’t hard, was it? The girl on the left, British yummy mummy Jen Hunter, was 24, and at 5’11” and 11 stone (that’s 154 pounds or just under 70 kilos for the rest of us) was told by a judge who is the managing director of a modeling agency that her legs were ‘stocky’ and scolded by former supermodel Rachel Hunter (no relation) for being ‘fat, lazy and greedy.’
While the judges – professionals from the fashion industry – preferred ‘the walking skeleton,’ tens of thousands of television viewers quite adamantly voted for the more voluptuous Ms Hunter, far and away enough to win over the judge’s favourite…
… just a few hours before model Ana Carolina Reston, a 21-year-old Brazilian model, was reported as having died of starvation, trying to live on a diet of apples and tomatoes to keep her catwalk career. Ms Hunter’s Body Mass Index was a healthy 21.5, while the girl on the right, Swedish Marianne Berglund, had a BMI of 16.1, well below the 18.5 considered by health professionals as the minimum weight of a healthy adult woman, and even below the minimum BMI of 18 for models taking part in Madrid Fashion Week, set after catwalk model Luisel Ramos collapsed three months earlier at a fashion show and died from heart failure, having eaten nothing but salads and Diet Coke for three months in her lethal attempt to slim down to the perfect size zero.
Three months after Hunter’s win and Reston’s death, Luisel Ramos’s sister, Eliana, a model with a major Argentine agency, died after having starved herself. Rather than even consider the issue of the fashion industry’s insane demands on young models desperate enough to risk their lives to be thin ‘enough’, her boss, Pancho Dotto, declared well before any coroner’s post mortem that ‘obvious the sisters’ deaths must be due to a genetic problem.’
Of course, this was back in 2006, and things must have gotten better since then, right?
‘It's fantastic to know the public prefer a woman with a few wobbly bits over a stick insect,’ Ms Hunter said after the show and refused to drop three sizes for the show’s prize, a modelling contract with Select Models – despite her win, the contract went instead to her emaciated rival. Cape Management agency offered her work, the first size 12 on their books – but she was rejected in castcalls for being ‘too big.’ Eventually, she signed with Excel Models… a ‘plus size’ agency.
Plus size. The woman is a size 12, with a BMI of 21.5, and she’s considered a ‘plus size’. My BMI is hovering right at the brink of 25, and while I’d be happy to shed a few inches here and there after the usual Christmas binging, I’m no ‘plus size’. The average size for women in the UK is between 14 and 16 (12 to 14 US). The average model size is still a size six to eight (4 to 6 US). Models have always been thinner than average, but a quarter of a century ago, the difference between you and me and the catwalk ladies was eight percent. Now it’s23 per cent.
This month, Brigitte, a German woman’s magazine with a circulation of 700,000 announced a ban on professional models for its fashions shoots after hundreds of its readers wrote to complain about superskinny models. Now, the magazine is recruiting amateurs – history teachers and hotel receptionists and restaurant owners and artists and economics students – to grace the pages of the monthly glossy. And 20,000 normal women have signed up as potential models. For years, editor Andreas Lebert said, the magazine has had to use Photoshop on their professional models to ‘fatten them up,’ – in sharp contrast to the Photoshopped picture of Filippa Hamilton, whose body was digitally altered for a Ralph Lauren Blue Label ad to resemble a bobble-head doll, her normal head on an absurdly thin body. ‘Dude,’ Cory Doctorow howled with laughter on his blog, ‘her head’s bigger than her pelvis!’
The gorgeous 23 year old was then fired this past October; at 5’10” and 120 pounds, she was considered ‘overweight’ and unable to fit into Ralph Lauren clothes an longer – which is presumably what Ralph Lauren meant when he claimed she was fired ‘as a result of her inability to meet the obligations under her contract with us.’ Meaning… she’s too ‘fat’. The women have to fit in his clothes. Which makes me have to ask – why don’t you just make bigger clothes, Ralph? Newsflash for ya: clothes are supposed to fit the women.
Apparently, Lauren’s fellow fashion designer, Karl Lagersfeld, feels much the same way, insisting ‘Nobody wants to see a curvy woman.’ He accused critics of super-thin models as being a jealous bunch ‘fat, chip-eating mummies,’ thereby insulting every woman who has ever given birth to a child as well. Nice.
And it gets even more ridiculous. Apparently, French shoe designer Christian Louboutin thinks Barbie’s ankles are too fat. That’s right – Barbie. The anorexic doll that bears no resemblance to the anatomy of a real woman, ankles or any other part of her plastic body. But guess who’s redesigning Barbie for her launch this coming May? Mais oui, mes amis, you guessed right again.
Five thousand people have been kicked out of the BeautifulPeople dating site this month for being ‘festive fatties,’ including a New Zealand couple foolish enough to post their post-Christmas photos on the site. The website boasts 600,000 members who collectively vote ‘democratically’ to decide on which applicants are pleasing enough on the eye, while casting out the ‘fatties’. Since all applications are done on-line, and no one comes round to the house to check, I would be curious as to just how many Photoshopped ‘beautiful’ people there are on the site – but I suspect I’m not beautiful or irrational enough to ever find out.
Meanwhile, every time I cruise the internet, I’m bombarded with the ads: Use this one weird tip to a flat belly! Here’s how I lost 42 pound in two months with this simple trick! Get Killer Abs with this Amazing Diet! Whirl Yourself Thin in Ten Minutes a Day on the Fat Burning Bum Tum Thigh Booty Flex King Cardio Energizer Shaper Stepper Sculptor Circle Pro! Little cartoon women expand and contract before my eyes, while a disembodied torso squeezes and jiggles her belly fat at me. It’s everywhere, and it’s pernicious. I spent a day with a friend at a local church hall recently as a roomful of gorgeous, curvaceous, bubbly women sweated and gyrated while doing their best to keep up with the Zumba guy and his coterie of Zumbimbos, all desperate to believe that they, too, could be that thin and gorgeous with what turns out to be little more than an ordinary work-out routine with a few dance moves tossed in and some flash music.
Women’s self-image and, worse, our daughters’ self-image is being driven not just by impossible standards, faked Photoshopped women who’ve never existed, but by a bunch of old fat gay men and neurotic women. Why the hell does anyone listen to them? They’re idiots! Why does anyone listen to them instead of the tens of thousands of people who chose Jen Hunter over Marianne Berglund? Why don’t we see what hundreds of disgruntled German women got tired of seeing in their magazines and complained? Why do we watch these bloody American’s Next Top Model ‘reality’ shows when there’s nothing ‘real’ about them? And if women can’t listen to all those wonderful men who love them, (you guys know who you are) the ones we don’t believe when they tell us we’re sexy, the ones who aren’t homo-neurotic pretentious poseurs of the first order themselves, then here’s a last little quiz for you. Test your own eyes:
One of these women is 180 pound ‘plus size’ model Lizzie Miller, and the other is a ‘sensational’ perfect size zero.
Get the picture?
R has already forgotten he was mad at H. But there is no forgiveness for me. H will be going over there for two days like he always does, playing games, eating too much junk food off the food card and leaving me here with the unending thought process where I realize- I will never be welcome anywhere. It hurts.
But H doesn't really care. He shrugs and says that's just R. I hate how they excuse R for doing everything he does because that's just the way he is. It doesn't matter that I was the one who was wronged. I am the one who has to earn R's forgiveness back.
I hate how R can call me immature and then do things like this. The others will say nothing happened so that R won't be mad at them, but no matter what I say it won't matter because the others are already turning their heads to the side. R is 26. I never realized how stupid he really was.
More than anything else though, I wish someone would stand up for me. H will not do that. His dad won't do that. I don't know anyone else who even should. I am just fed up with people throwing me under the bus so that they don't have to get involved. I'm tired of getting thrown under the bus because they don't want to risk their own emotions, or their own happiness, or anything else. Selfish people make this world go round. I am not selfish. At least I know that. But I feel like in order to survive in this world, especially as a woman, I would have to be a bitch and be selfish, and I would have to learn to live with being unhappy.
There is nothing I can say to R to make him see reason, and that is the most immature part of it all.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

H saved the last piece of Canadian bacon for me... and I turned him down.
"I was just trying to..." The look on his face. How can I feel guilty for such a small thing? How can he be hurt by something that small?
I'm sorry H. I don't need you. I don't want everything you have to give me. I am beyond your reach.
I am in the grips of Ana, and I am liking it.
Poison. Food is poison. It fills me like toxic waves of tar. What should nourish me, kills me from the inside out. I need the strength, the power, the ability to move on, move forward, move inward. No more fat, no more pain, only hunger can fix me.
The emptiness will fill me up. What others cannot give me, I will give myself and revel in it. I am not missing anything but control, and as soon as I catch up to that, I will have everything. Accomplished is what I will be. When the pounds of fat roll off of my body and you look in my eyes and see only mystery, you will follow me. You will need to know who I am, what I am. You will want to be me. You will want some of my power, but will not know where to find it. I will be unstoppable. I will be unbeatable. I will be the very best there is.
I will be skinny. I will be more than that. I will be a ghost, a wraith. I will be so small you will not be able to grasp me. I will be above and beyond. I will beat my own expectations.
My friend yesterday didn't contribute anything to me gaining five pounds. I am pretty sure that was all me. I was clear with him that I have eating issues, but he said he didn't know how to treat someone with an eating disorder because he had never known anyone who had one. So he indulged it. When I didn't want to eat he didn't make me and felt nothing bad about it. All I ate there was some apple slices he shared with me, and a salad with spinach and nuts and a few other things. It couldn't have been too high calorie... oh actually I hear nuts are high in calories...
He also bought me some hair dyes. I picked out two. One was more of an ash blond to take out the orange shades in my hair, and the other was just a lighter blond. I don't want to be a redhead or whatever I am now. I want to be blond. It will also help with my roots. Hopefully it helps but right now I do not feel comfortable dying my hair in the house. Perhaps I will wait until H and his dad are gone. Today is one of dad's days off. Maybe he works tomorrow? I'm not sure.
160+ pounds.
I will be counting calories very carefully today.
I was in a panic earlier because R sent me a text saying I was not allowed near him or to come over again. It basically said, you are not welcome here anymore but in more words.
I was very upset about this until H told me R sent him a text too, hours later though, saying that he couldn't come over anymore later and that if he believed me then we could just stay here and be friends. It was meant to be mean.
R is unhappy that they believe me over him, even though he is family. Maybe this is because I am actually telling the truth and they know R tells lies. Also, the story of things I have done are pretty ridiculous and anyone who knows how sweet I am knows I would never do anything hateful to anyone.
Miss Mad you are right about the book thing though. I will be taking them down.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

So my friend suddenly texts me that he's coming to pick me up and asks if I'm up and walking around...
So I'm like shit. I didn't know we were hanging out today. And he says I was supposed to come over to have lunch at his house so his parents would learn to like me. I remember this conversation but I must have zoned out in the plan making part or forgot or something. I don't remember making any plans in cement. I always remember stuff like that because I think about plans days in advance and I am super overly OCD about it. How did I forget???
Even worse I had gluten earlier and too much food and my stomach feels like it is being punched. It's worse than cramps but part of it might be cramps. Oh god today is going to be awful. I already feel disgusting as hell. how am I supposed to do this?!
I don't even have a way to dress up and be nice. I have no effing hair brush!!!
I look like crap. Someone shoot me. PLEASE.
I hate his parents and I hate eating but I'm going to have to shove down everything on my plate and eat whatever they are serving. FUCK FUCK FUCKETY FUCK FUDGECICLES.
Why me?
I feel like I'm going to puke...
I have got to be the fattest %$#&* ever.
The symbols I used instead of a curse word looks cool though...


The voice of Ana...

 Watch this one also, please.


***Top Ten Calorie Burners***

Calories burned per hour* 
Based on a 160-pound person
  1. 986 calories burned: Running at 8mph
  2. 913 calories burned: Rollerblading
  3. 730 calories burned: Tae Kwon Do
  4. 730 calories burned: Jump rope
  5. 657 calories burned: Stair treadmill
  6. 584 calories burned: Jogging at 5mph
  7. 511 calories burned: Backpacking
  8. 511 calories burned: Racquetball
  9. 511 calories burned: Cross-country skiing
  10. 511 calories burned: High-impact aerobics
* Values from the Mayo Clinic Exercise for Weight Loss chart

I could probably do some jump roping... if I had my jump rope from home... which my sisters probably "borrowed"... Well, I can get one at the store for $1. One more thing to add to my list of things to get with my money.
Wait a second- who needs a jump rope to jump rope?! No one says I can't use an imaginary one in the bathroom when everyone is asleep... x.x
I know this is just me high off of life, but I think I should rediscover myself. I need to do something new, smile more, mix it up... enjoy life.
Screw my circumstances, I deserve to be happy.
I am in love with this song right now and I don't know why.


 I keep listening to it over and over and over again x.x

***Songs On My Mind***

This is what's on my mind right now. In order, they kind of tell a story about my moods if you are receptive to that kind of poetic sense.

This one is on my mp3 player...


 This one always makes me cry for some reason... Probably because it rings very true for me, and hits kind of close to home.

This one is on my mp3 player too...

Miss Mad your comment almost made me laugh out loud with joy. I have never had that kind of praise before. It has always been my dream to become a writer but no one ever helped me pursue it. My parents looked at my drawings and told me they were good and that I should go to college for it, but when my dreams were elsewhere they never listened.
For that reason I have resented my drawing ability. It is too easy for my family to take one glance at my drawings and judge it to be good, while what I really want to do takes too much time and effort for them to take some interest in my dreams. My sisters have read parts of my books, one of my sisters has read both of the books I wrote and certain parts had her crying which I think is sweet. She is so kind-hearted. But either way my sisters have praised my writings. My parents, not so much. My dad has never read anything I ever wrote, while my mom at least read bits of another story. I give her credit for doing more than my dad. He still wants me to pursue art.
To be honest, H has actually read both the first and second books, I believe, and he loved them too. He read them back when we first started going out and he really liked it. For him to be a guy and like it means one thing, especially because it is romantically based.
But no one has ever really praised it very much besides my sisters. They will love it when they read it but after a bit if I ask them if they want to read the next part, they would all rather do something else. I guess I have to give credit to my one sister though, the one who cried over my book. She was in fifth grade and there was a boy who wrote her very sweet notes, love notes essentially. They were "just friend" but I could tell she loved him. He moved away and because my sister wasn't allowed to have email or call boys she never heard from him again. She was heartbroken. So she really related to the story because it is about love.
Fifth grade is obviously too young to fall in love, but I know she knows what it is and how it feels. Young love... sigh...
Anyways, I went off on a tangent there...
Love you Miss Mad and thank you!
Sigh... I had a bad day food-wise.
H keeps trying to get me to eat. I feel guilty when he is being a complete sweetheart to me and then I turn down what he is trying to give me. Sometimes I can get away with, "I'm not hungry" or "maybe later", but not lately.
I have consumed way too many calories and I feel gross. my stomach is bloated and my stomach hurts and is full.
This morning I nearly broke down. My hair looks awful and it is tiring. I don't even have a hair brush right now. No matter how much I wash it I can't get it to look okay. It always looks greasy. I can only wash my hair every few days anyways here. It is yellowish and my roots are showing badly. Then when I sleep it curls and sticks up all over the place and I can't comb it down because I have nothing to do it with, so I just splash water into my hair and try to calm it with my fingers.
I have no make up. What little I had went missing months ago so now all I have is an eyeliner pencil that makes my eyes burn. My skin is greasy even though I wash it. I can't afford anything to help with it. All I have is some leftover body wash that I have had for months now. I am running out of shampoo and conditioner. Those are also months old.
My legs and armpits are hairy so I always wear long pants and a t shirt. I haven't been able to shave for a long time and it's nasty. I can't afford new razors. My toenails are chipped and the nail polish is coming off, but I don't have any here so I can't fix it and my clippers are missing and it's nasty. My fingernails are growing out. That's a plus. I might have just a shiny coating nail polish in my purse somewhere I can use on them.
Half the time there is no soap in the bathroom to wash my hands. Most of the time there is no toilet paper. I feel disgusting.
I see girls at the store who have nice clothes and can wear make up and put their hair back, and I feel really awful in comparison. I just want to be able to look pretty and feel pretty some days. I want to have the money to respect myself by looking ok. I have been wearing the same pair of jeans for maybe three or four weeks now, maybe longer. I just want to feel pretty sometimes. Is that too much to ask?
My mom gave me a few dollars for my birth control because my cramps are awful so I actually have a prescription. Then I asked for a few more just to spend on myself and she gave me a ten. But now I have a problem.
I was laying there this morning just dreaming of looking nice and feeling nice, and being clean, and I don't know what to buy with my new money. This always happens when I get money. I could get razors, or maybe some eye shadow... I could get soap or concealer or nail polish. I could get a hair brush or try at some hair dye... But I only have ten dollars. I know whatever I buy I am going to feel like I wasted it afterwards because I couldn't get everything I need. It's an awful feeling.

About the book, I actually did try and send it in to a publisher once. I sent it in to Publish America, who actually accepted it. Then I researched and found that it was basically a scam. I can't do that to my book. I lost heart after that. I don't have the money to get it published anywhere good. It is still my dream, but it is sort of a lost one. I would be happy with a minimum wage job at McDonald's to be perfectly honest. That would be my heaven- to actually have two penny's to rub together...

Friday, May 4, 2012

There was once a book I wrote... When I was sixteen. I don't know what made me start but the summer before I turned 17 I just started the story and finished it within a month, and it's longer than the first Harry Potter book at least. I am considering putting it online for you girls, whether on this blog or a connected one. My heart wasn't in the story I was writing for you guys because the character just wasn't me. It didn't carry any charm or any magic. This story did.
In fact, the name Venus Jacqin originally belonged to the main character. Looking back, I wrote her life sort of parallel to mine, and you can detect early on that she has an eating disorder. I never really thought about it until it fully emerged in my life.
I am thinking of starting the story up again. I have two books written about her, the first is pretty good, but my sister tells me the second is better. And the story progressed into a third when all the stuff with H broke my heart and and I got writer's block. The book has an ending half way through that is awful. I probably won't change it, but I will start off from where it left off in an interesting way. I have thought about this for months. The story became a very important part of who I was to myself. It can be really scary actually how connected I am to this book, that it became my most prized possession. It was a work that I treasured like it was an actual person, like it had a life of it's own.
I am a sort of dark person at times, and my life gets twisted and awful and I end up sinking into weird habits, and this was my world back then. I didn't believe in it per say but I did live in it.
If anyone is interested in reading it, I might put up a page or two, and if it is successful, I will give you guys more. I was going to publish at some point, but I would prefer to use something that personal in a place and environment like this one.