Saturday, April 28, 2012

I fucked my calories today but I don't care because it feels so good to hang out with a friend who just lets me talk until my mouth falls off- which it hasn't yet. I'm one of those people who, when you get to know me and I am comfortable with you, I will talk your block off. Once I get going there is no stopping me. But I think he likes me... x.x
He says, "What happens if I do this?" And starts running his hands through my hair and twirling the ends in his fingers. And I said, "I don't know. Why?"
And he replied, "I don't know." In a kind of down tone like he expected me to like it. He has always liked me. Before his now ex-girlfriend he made it very clear and tried to make moves on me but I wouldn't let him. I just can't like him that way... He's always been a good friend but nothing more. H is the only guy who ever moved out of the friend zone. And he was a new friend at the time.
H is at his game night.
This guy, Idk if he has a letter but I feel like I have talked about him before and assigned him a letter...
Fine I will call him L for now so I don't get confused while talking about him.
L helped me carry my laundry out to the car. He brought some gluten free crackers for us to snack on in the car. It wasn't half bad tasting and the calories weren't awful... unless you eat too many...
He bought laundry soap, got me a toothbrush and some kids flavored toothpaste, because I dislike peppermint. It's okay sometimes, but often it just makes me sick. Then he changed four more dollars into quarters. He paid for my trash bag full of laundry to be washed and dried. Then he took me out to lunch and got me some fries- an entire tub with fry sauce and a BLT sandwich without the bun for both of us. And I talked for a long time, eventually getting into what I was saying so much he had to tell me I was talking too loud and we were in a public place. Oops x.x
We left, went for a long drive. He willingly wasted gas money and I just talked and talked and talked and kept changing the radio station like I always do. Eventually we ended up back at the apartment and we sat with K and chatted a bit while petting the little dogs. Then we went to the park and swung on swings like I like to and he pushed me as I talked my mouth off some more. Then we walked back and he hugged me goodbye and left. He's nice, but I just can't see him in any other way than a friend...
I do see some guys and have to look twice, I can be attracted to other guys besides H, just not this one.

On the subject of H- Stay with me here. It's a long post. I know.
Last night. I ended up getting so cold he got all demanding and told me to come over. I said, "But you don't like it when I sleep that close to you." And he dragged me over anyways and then half rolled onto me. He had his head on my shoulder and his body turned towards mine. I couldn't resist and tell him no. So now I have hopes for us again and it sucks. I'm fighting, I really am, but I think I should just let things be and see where things go for now, because fighting everything is taking up a lot of my energy and I just don't have that kind of energy, especially if I do end up here for a while. I don't want to build up that kind of misery. I will try and give him space when I can and try to force myself to relax and let things go more.
The way he speaks to me melts my heart. It's like telling me to drown. Even if I wanted to die, my body and instincts are going to fight the entire way. I don't see how I am going to get over him while I am sleeping in the same bed as him every night. Oh well. : )

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