Saturday, April 28, 2012

After some point, going farther and farther back into my posts was traumatizing. Seeing all the stuff I wrote about H... When we were still together... and the entire time there are signs that subconsciously I knew I was going to lose him. Look at the dream, "Dreaming in an abandoned schoolhouse", and at some of the poems. It is very clear how unhappy I was. To think, most of it was the drugs... or was it...?
Anyways, I accidentally looked down from fixing the title and say things, like the picture I took of the chocolate advent calendar chocolate he had given me, and how happy it had made me. I also saw the One line post where I was alone on New Years Eve and it almost had me crying. My life is terrifying. I told H I would sleep with K, but I am scared and I just want to curl up where I am safe and comfortable, and I feel safer in that room, with or without him.
I don't know what I am going to do... I obviously have no self control, and I am obviously not going to get him back. But this isn't just breaking my heart, it's destroying it. There is a difference by the way.
Breaking is merely putting my heart into pieces. destroying it is like torching the pieces until there is literally nothing left. It hurts so bad and I don't want to do it anymore. H keeps telling me not to give up, but put in these situations where it is literally impossible to be anywhere I can be happy, I don't know what else I am supposed to do. I can't go home, and I have no place elsewhere. My life sis a black hole. Even if I'm not weak like I believe I am, then that just means my life is too much for me.
No worries, nothing drastic, but that's even worse. There is not way to fix this. There is nothing I can do. I am powerless to save myself. I am trapped. I have no control. I am out of control. I am me, and it's killing me,

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