Thursday, April 12, 2012

I walked with one of my sisters for a while, maybe about an hour on the path that circles the house. I talk to her pretty freely about my ED because she might have one too. She controls her eating though not to the extent I do, and she has no desire to become a woman at all. I kind of understand that. I can say that I want to lose weight to look skinnier and feel beautiful, but if I really let myself get down to it, I just need there to be less of me. It's irrational but I want less of me to be there to grab on to or for people not to notice me as much. I feel that being this overweight makes my boobs look big and so people think I am someone to take advantage of.
I want to be more like a child. I want to be less... well, just less. I hate having men follow me around with expectations that if they are friendly to me long enough I might come to like them back, even though I have made it very clear that I don't want them that way.
Why can't they just want me as friends?
I guess that's how H feels though. Why do I have to want him only as a potential boyfriend? I always feel when I finally understand his point of view that it's karma, that I am getting what I deserve and that I am in the wrong.
I hate that I always come off as stupid and naive. F is always saying, "no that's ok," or "that's alright with me," "it's fine" as if he has to reassure me. I hate it. I usually say something and then laugh and he find that what, insecure?
Everyone underestimates me, but if I act like I know things, and portray any confidence, I am considered a bitch. I live in a sexist world. If a guy says what he wants, he is respected because he is a man. If a woman speaks her mind she's a bitch. There is still this state of mind where women have one place in society. H treats me that way a lot too. If I act confident he won't be around me. I have to be cute and innocent, or sweet and naive to get his attention. I don't care if he needs to feel like a man, he was a wuss when I met him and he's still just a loser. I don't get where his confidence came from all of a sudden that makes it so I can't be myself.
You know in romance books, how every once in a while the woman speaks her mind and some guy likes that? In the end he is always the one to protect her. No one gives women their proper strength anymore. It's still a sexist world.
Why then should anyone wonder why I feel stifled? Why then should anyone wonder why I feel insecure and inferior around men?
Another rant sorry. It's been nagging me at the back of my mind for a while.

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