Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I don't know what came over me. I was at least somewhat satisfied with the 850 total calories I burned, and then I just burned another 150, making it the 1000 I promised earlier. It wasn't even like I had to, like I said, this much more, now come on, get on the bike. I wanted to. So I did. Somehow it's still not enough though...
I would be exhausted and panic if I let myself sleep knowing that I don't have the time to get enough hours in. My appointment is at 9 in the morning. Then maybe later on I will visit with Branden, but I'm not sure. I don't know if he will even have money for my phone. My unlimited minutes expires the 16th I believe. There will not be another chance for a refill. But who do I text anyways? Honestly?
H is no longer a recipient of my friendly words. Friday was nice, but since then I have really kind of forgotten about him. I don't have the energy for whatever that is anymore. If he texts me, fine. If not, I will probably contact him after a week or two and schedule another hang out because I am that stupid and desperate.
I don't think I even want him anymore. I want some fairy tale thing I made up in my mind with him as my subject a long time ago. It was a delusion that I nursed. I want to be wanted, and frankly I might be too desperate to care who fills that role. That's my honest opinion. Love is only love if you convince yourself it is, right?
It can be love until they are gone or someone else comes along. It seems to be temporary. It seems to go door to door. It seems to be cheep to me.
I don't want it right now.
I know this is just tired me talking, but I don't want to do today. I want to curl up in my bed and sleep and sleep and sleep. I don't want to get diagnosed for ADD. I don't want meds for depression or anxiety. I don't want to be helped. I don't want to live life. I don't want to work hard, or at all really. I don't want to go to school. I don't want anything but solitude and to be left alone.
I know that is all unreasonable, but I don't see how I will ever find the strength to be able to do any one of these even by itself. Then my life will just be an endless drawing of energy to survive. I don't want to live like that. I might as well be on the streets looking for each meal as it comes. It would be the same or maybe even better.
Fuck mentally healthy. Mentally healthy is for people with sticks up their asses.

1 comment:

  1. This is what ana does to you hun... We are on this weightloss high and then this happens :( it sucks

    Ashen (skeletalxwhisperings - xanga)