Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The hunger games was good.
I exercised until I got to 100 calories burned. Then I was on the bike for about 100 minutes and burned over 750 calories. I know it wasn't enough though. It's just a feeling I have, a knowing feeling.
I feel... like I am on a train staring through a window. Everything happens in another place. I am merely watching through a foggy window, in my own world, where it is safe and nothing can touch me. When something breaks the glass, another pane is put over it to keep me safe. Cracks appear but the window keeps getting thicker and thicker until I can't see out. In high school, a friend once told me he envied me. I asked why and he said because it was like I was in my own little world. I guess he envied my escape.
I haven't felt this way in a very long time. I'm not sure whether it is good or bad, but I am guessing it's bad. The thing is, I like it. I enjoy this feeling, this safety inside my own life. It makes it easier to hide my feelings from other and not be an open book. It helps me revel in being lonely. It must be one of my darker coping mechanisms. I lived like this in my last few years of school. I was failing my classes and people hated me and were angry with me, but I didn't really care. On some level I'm sure I did, but caring became too much of a challenge, took up too much energy, when I could just sit back and say nothing and not be touched.
It is a wonderful feeling. I don't have to rely on anyone but me. I just fill my days with whatever I can and then sleep the night away and start over. There is no beginning or end and it is empty with no need to fill. If I think about it I grow upset, that things will never be different, will never grow to be good for me, but when I am complacent I don't need any of that.
I am fearful and I fear many things, but it traps me in and keeps me warm. I do not know what this is, but I am tired and want nothing more to do with the world and it's issues. If I stay in my head, fairy tales can still come true, dreams are not lost, hope is not gone, and magic can still exist.
There is no way out so I should just learn to live with what I have. I do not want companionship, I want to be left alone.
I think something essential is dying in me.

1 comment:

  1. I have my own world, where nothing else on the outside matters, its just my OWN reality, in my HEAD that i feel is valid. Everything else is beyond my control, therefore i don't care about it as much. But whats in my head, is MINE. What i choose to daydream about, can never be taken away from me. My little world inside my head, will never be experienced by anyone else, and i'm glad. I'm very jealous of what i own, i am possessive... especially of my wonderland.