Monday, April 9, 2012

Today is one of those days when I miss H really bad and I don't know why. I didn't care much about him yesterday or for the last few days, but today... I just don't know why.
Tomorrow I am going in for testing. It will test for psychological disorders or learning disorders, but the main thing I want to see is if I am ADD. I filled out all the paperwork and there were a lot of questionairs. My dad got a little mad when my mom had to fill one out, because she was asking me questions in it like, do you forget to take your meds often, lose things, or drop things? Those were three of the questions and after she asked them I realized I hadn't taken my pill yet and then I couldn't find it. Then I accidentally dropped it when I found it. He thought I was doing it on purpose. It would have been quiet funny if he hadn't said something about it.
Then after the tests I may go and see Y about apartments. I will probably have to deal with F tomorrow too, but I will have to get used to that eventually anyways. I was supposed to bring a list but I have been busy all day and haven't come up with the time.
I know I ate an extreme amount today. I hate wasting and would feel guilty and unappreciative if I just threw away all of the candy my mom set aside for me, so I picked out half the stuff and gave those away. I gave most of it away. All I had to do was convince myself I didn't want it. I did end up eating some of it though, and that I am not proud of, but I already feel guilty for giving away what I did. My mom saw and she looked kind of sad. It might just be in my head though.
She has been zoning out all day. I hope she is alright. I am very sensitive when it comes to potentially hurting my mom. I love her a lot and respect her, and I would never want to hurt her. My dad has yet to earn my respect. I'm not just going to give it to him for being my father. He has to earn that. If he had been a good parent from the start he would not have to deal with that.
I didn't eat any of my sister's birthday cake, or any ice cream. She said she got cookies and cream ice cream just for me. That I also feel guilty about. I'm sure I'll end up guilting myself into it in the next few days. She's nine now and the sweetest little girl ever.
One time when I lived in the tiny, disgusting furnace room she came to bring me a sandwich so I would eat dinner. I thought it was my brother knocking on the door and I got angry and slammed the door open- into her face. The sandwich fell onto the floor and her forehead was bleeding like crazy. She must have been... five or so then I think, maybe younger. It still makes me cry when I think about it too hard.
My oldest brother decided to go to his church activity instead of his little sister's birthday party, which is sad, because he will only be here for a week and he probably won't get to be around for her birthday again or anyone else's. I didn't end up going with him.
My parents kind of push him to find a girl, and the church encourages it too. He feels that he has to find a girl soon and settle down. The thing is, he has Aspergers and my parents encourage him to do whatever he likes. They taught him that he could do whatever he wanted to in life. Nothing wrong with that belief, but perhaps it would be better for him to realize he's not like everyone else.
I don't think he will be able to find "the one" in his choice range if you know what I'm saying. He has too high of expectations for girls, and they have higher expectations than someone like him. My dad is encouraging him a lot, saying he's always hoping.
Some girl from church pity dated him, and then said they should go their own ways and he interpreted it as- she wouldn't be a very faithful. He sees girls with issues like his and talks about them like he has nothing of his own. He was talking about a learning disability when doing financial aid paperwork, and I asked him what it was, just to clarify and he said ADD. Does he even know what he has? I think my parents meant to enable him, and instead they set him up for failure.
Wow my dad just leaned over to read what I was typing and I nearly had heart failure. x.x
They know I have a blog but I was very clear that they could not read it and they don't know exactly what it is for nor do the know the name of my blog in case they decided to disrespect my wishes.
I covered the screen with my hand and said it was a private blog. He said oh ok and smiled and looked away. At least he will respect my privacy if nothing else.
My sister who is closest in age to me and I, decided to go back in my mom's old videos and watch her old exercise videos- the Richard Simmons ones lol. I remember way back when my mom used to exercise to them and I watched. I had to stop after maybe two songs though because of sharp pains in my shoulder and ribs. It was fun though. Some of my other sisters joined in too.
My oldest brother had the first Hunger Games book with him and is letting me borrow it. Now I won't have to wait a few years to borrow a copy from the library. I certainly don't have the money to buy it, or if I did have money I would use it on something else.

No comments:

Post a Comment