Saturday, April 7, 2012

Okay, I'm home so here is a fuller story of last night.
I got to the apartment just after they had left. My phone had died so I didn't get the message that H was going to the store. I texted saying I'd wait for him there, but he said that he and his dad were coming back to get me.
H was friendly. I sat in the back seat and he never turned around to look at me. Later as we were shopping, he would look a little closer, a little longer, then he started doing little things.
He knows I collect bread clips so as I was picking out tomatoes he grabbed ten or so and put them in my pocket, smiling. Then he started asking what I wanted to get. "Do you want this? How about this? Don't you like these?" I mostly chewed my nails and stood quietly and when he asked I would shake my head no, or say no thank you.
There were several things he got anyways, because I have a habit of turning something down and then wanting it later. he got two different special brand root beers, and as I was getting in the car he appeared in my doorway and asked which one I wanted. I protested for a while, saying I didn't want either. Eventually he wore me down and I was like ok, fine, and I grabbed one to shut him up and he gave me the other one with it.
I said, "You said choose one."
"They're connected," he joked. "Happy birthday." And jumped in the front seat.
When we got back I had him shut the door, and I asked straight out, "do you really not feel anything for me? Right now?"
"As a friend," he replied. I got quiet, was upset, leaked a tear or two but no desperate crying or angry talk. All I said was ok.
I wanted to go home and give all his stuff back, and I voiced that, and he got angry, so I went quiet again. I left it alone for a few minutes, but when I was quiet for too long he got frustrated again and was sitting there scowling. I think he tossed something off the bed. So I gave in.
I pushed him onto his back and climbed all over him like a little kid. I have a biting problem so I may have bit softly here and there... Which sounds odd to you I'm sure. I smiled, and giggled, and headbutted him pretending to be a bulbasaur. His smile came back.
"What are you doing?" he asked laughing.
"Nothing." I sat up and batted my eyelashes and he hugged me and pulled me down.
"I refuse to believe that you don't have feelings for me anymore. I don't care if that makes me delusional like me mom; I just don't believe it. He kind of avoided having to comment on that a few times, and then...
Well, let's just say I'd taken off my sweatshirt earlier and my shirt wasn't exactly a turtleneck. I'm naive and most of the time I am unaware where my boobs are when I'm paying attention to the rest of me.
Something turned him on anyways, and he tried to hide it and I watched him do it. He put a blanket on, was moving his knees up, rolled over onto his stomach. Either way I rolled him back onto his back, and I was like, "You know what no one ever lets me do anymore?"
"What's that?" he asked.
"Curl up between their legs." It's very comfy there, all sexual stuff aside. I have fallen asleep using his leg as a pillow numerous times.
"Why don't they let you do that?" He wondered.
"Well, because it's awkward," I motioned towards that area. "But I guess you won't let me either..."
"I wouldn't mind."
Then I laid down between his legs with my head on his stomach, again, not even meaning to be sexual. Fat guys are comfy. What can I say?
Anyways, by that point it was very evident to me.
I got really bold and put my hand right there and I asked, "What is this?"
"No really, what is it?"
"You like me." And it went on from there.
I would like to say however, that I did not have sex, so no worries. But I did get him to admit it. He got turned on again twice later, and was doing stuff all night like poking my but or grabbing it because I squeak easy and he finds it very entertaining.
I startle so bad so easy, everyone thinks it's funny.
I ignored him for a while, hanging out with K for a bit. Him and his dad went to the store and I didn't invite myself along to be with him, which is progress.
He was distant all this morning, but still somewhat flirty. He startled me at least a half a million times, which I'm sure is not good for my heart. He sat on me earlier actually x.x
I understand he just needs his space. I got a quick goodbye hug from him after he helped me gather all my things, and then I left. And I have not texted him since.
I feel like I made mistakes anyways, things like indulging him in ways I knew even as I did them I shouldn't have and other stuff.
I have to remember his words from last night though. What he was basically saying was, yes he did like me, but that did not mean we were ever going to be more than friends again. He didn't want me to carry those expectations around, and I know I can't.
That's what happened, and I apologize if I said somethings that you didn't want to know, but I feel that they were necessary parts of the story.

1 comment:

  1. Yay :) I loved this - I am so glad for you it feels like you have come a big way with your realisation and I am chuffed to bits for you :)
    LOVE!! xx