Thursday, April 5, 2012

I don't know if I can do this.
H texted me again later on, asking if I wanted he could take me off the food card.
I freaked out in my head, thinking he just wanted me off of it so that he could cancel our hangout on Friday, or so I would have no reason to "make" him hang out with me. I stayed calm outwardly though and said I didn't want my own right now and I didn't think I could get one with my parent's salary. He said if I said I provided for my own meals I could get one. I don't really think I can though.
So I asked if I could call and he said ok. I hate calling him now though. I hate myself every time I have to ask.
Anyways, I talked to him on the phone and he seemed pretty friendly about it so I don't really know. I chatted a bit in my very fast, hyper way of talking. I sounded very happy and excited and I kind of was. I have to admit, I am somewhat enjoying life right now despite the bad things that have been happening to me. I said nothing about me and him except I think I said if he didn't want to be friends that was ok, and he was like, "No, I just wanted to see if you wanted your own card."
Does this seem like maybe an excuse to hear from me? I don't know.
But I am really afraid he has told himself he doesn't care about me that way for so long, I won't matter to him when he sees me again. I'll be: "Just a friend who is funny and fun to hang around with".
I don't want him to see me as just a friend, but even if he smiles when I play cute, and laughs and looks genuinely happy to see me, unless I make him admit out loud that he still 'likes' me, I believe that he will keep lying to himself that he doesn't. But I can't force anything.
I will probably wait for the right moment after he has shown enough of it to give me opportunity, and then mention something about him liking me in an offhand way that he will have to respond to.
But I can't think of what that might be that I say, and I'm afraid.
Sigh. I guess I will just let it go and let myself lose control in order to let things be natural.
I have the hardest time letting go though and I will continue to be anxious until something goes right.
Also, hearing from him today jolted my confidence a bit and so I am not as sure that I will come out of this unharmed. It seems wrong to want him back, and even more wrong to try and get him back. Everyone keeps telling me I need to move on, and somewhere inside of me I believe it too, but my lack of control pushes that aside.
I suppose- no pain no gain, right? If I went into everything knowing that I wouldn't get hurt, I wouldn't try anything at all. And where would I be then?
Maybe I am over thinking this, but I can't seem to tell what's right. And whether I know what is right or not, I still can't help myself from trying this with H again.
I wish I had the self control to let it go, and I wish I didn't stop making excuses for myself and doing stuff I know is stupid.
Perhaps it's about time I fought for what I want, but maybe I need to let go. Being torn over two decisions is painful. I'm going to try and exercise. My stomach is empty and growling, but I feel icky and fat.

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