Thursday, April 26, 2012

Looking at all of these super skinny girls' blogs, I feel really... not even jealous, just motivated. I am jealous of H's ability to be happy just playing games and envy his hoard of friends, but I am not jealous of all these little girls... How strange. I must have blocked that part of me off after K...

I actually fantasize sometimes of revealing my identity. Something about this anonymity is really fun and mysterious. I am not anyone anybody really knows, but I have never been clear about where exactly I live or what my real name is. It's so interesting too, because it is difficult not to comment on certain little things that interest me because of my name, or someone else's name who I talk about often.

The idea of one day perhaps being known for this blog is intriguing to me and I don't know why. I would hate to suddenly die, eventually, and not having anyone know who I am. It just seems sad. This is the me I really love and I would hate for it to be forgotten...

On the other hand, I would never reveal my identity at this point, mainly because... well I don't know. Perhaps the idea of letting my name loose on the internet, connected to my innermost feelings and emotions fills me with panic. Or perhaps I don't want people to be able to look me up on Facebook or something and figure out  what I'm really about, even though I am not hiding anything from anyone here. Maybe it is because being faceless here, my words cannot be held against me. Perhaps I am afraid that, like everyone else in my life, you would come to realize that you hate me too. Something about the way I am irks people, but so far not my readers. I can't think that it is my looks, but is it?

I also could never imagine the real images of my wretched body getting leaked, like you all would be appalled with me or something. Whether I trust you readers or not, I just couldn't risk it.

I do daydream of such things as posting the image of my face for maybe 12 or 24 hours, and then taking it down. But I am ashamed of even my own face and I could not show it. Interesting idea, identities that is...

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