Thursday, April 19, 2012

Everything is okay at the moment.
I hear K says she is 160 and I just saw her nekked (involuntarily might I add) and I was like... do I look like that??? I can't look like that... Is she lying about her weight?
Either way, I haven't eaten in a while and I am planning on sleeping at some point today and that will eliminate maybe a lb. I always lose tons when I stay up for two days and then sleep one. Really, it is staying up for about a day and a half, and then sleeping after that. For some reason I tend to have more control when I am tired, which defies reason but I'll roll with it.
I panicked earlier but nothing stupid and I was able to get myself to snap out of it. Boredom literally had me in tears. Having nothing to do makes me panic for some reason. So I have played best friend with K all yesterday and last night and more now. She isn't too bad. I can't get myself to hate anyone. >.<
Oh well. *Shrug* : )
I am doing well with my nails too, I think. There is a tiny bit of white that is actual nail enamel, not just skin. I gotta be skinny though. I gotta be the skinniest.
On the H front... I don't have a fucking clue what's going on, but things haven't gone to hell yet. When I get upset lately and start ranting at H- through text or otherwise- I have a new habit of making myself stop and ask him, "Say something nice to me." It stops the cycle and just that one bit of positive throws me back into trying again.
Last time, he was very confused and sarcastic and said- over the phone the dork- "I like your shoes." I laughed through my tears, said thank you, and hung up.
This time, he texted, "You are not hopeless nor are you a bitch. I love your company." And I know he means it. I made myself leave the dark empty bedroom, and even if I still had to cry it would have to be in front of people. I actually didn't feel like getting up, so I crawled just outside the door onto the disgusting hallway carpet and lay there splayed out on my tummy. It was actually entertaining. then I moved around a lot and distracted myself. Watched movies and shows with K while playing different games like monopoly and rummy...
Things will be okay. I think. And I need to get used to that idea.
I think the season spring is helping. Must be seasonal depression... Which sucks for when it turns fall or winter, but for now I will take what I can get...
Defeat the enemy!
Conquer unhappiness!
Well, I tried... I'm working on it... -.-

1 comment:

  1. I am glad things are ok :) and I am also glad you are still posting :) Maybe things are looking up? Thinking of you xx