Monday, April 30, 2012

I'm still up. I still haven't had any food. Mmm cold coffee...
I am chatting with an old friend of mine from school on Facebook and I forgot just how much of a sweetheart he is. He followed me around like a puppy for a while and he is still real nice to me. He keeps calling me hun but I am adjusting to it.
I asked him how many pounds he thought I was last time he saw me.
He said 142! I was nearly 200!
I corrected him and he said, "but you still looked great."
Lol...
I never knew coffee could be so... filling. I drank about half of it and got full and this was hours ago. It's cold but I'm not sure exactly how to warm it up besides the microwave, and I don't want to wake up dad. My stomach just barely started grumbling again but I'm not going to feed it haha.

I finished putting all the music on my mp3 but it has no playlist option or shuffle option which is frustrating. There is supposed to be some way for it to have a playlist if you make it on some place on the computer but I don't know how. And again, no shuffle. I wish my little black one would work again. It only works when it is plugged in to a power source. The battery won't hold energy on it's own anymore...
If I had money I would just get a new one...

***My Dream To Become A Coffee Addict***



I have got to be the only one here who likes pokemons... x.x
In the last few days I have seen little of H. He had two games night things in a row. But even then, he came home and I didn't really pay him much attention and so I tried to leave the room and every time I tried to get off the bed and leave the room he grabbed me and pulled me into his side lol. Then he tried to tickle me when I tried to escape. Then, later when he woke up to go to the bathroom, he came out of the bathroom and came to stand next to me while I was on the computer. He so likes me and is just being a dick about it. But I don't care. Whatever happens will happen.
Ahhhh... I had dad help me with the blue mp3 player he gave me and I am syncing it right now. There are lots of good songs I am putting on. Hopefully that will help with things a bit. :)

Sunday, April 29, 2012

I'm back on the computer and it looks like I have it for the night.
No one is awake to offer me food or make me eat. H went to bed a while ago, pretty much as soon as he got back. He is unaware I have not eaten today.
We are going to the food bank on Wednesday and also the food card gets refilled then, and that's when I will have to worry.
I got myself a cup of coffee with a little bit of hot cocoa in it. I did eat one of the chips in dad's nachos but it wasn't enough to really matter, and I am discounting the calories in the coffee/hot cocoa because not only is it a liquid, but it is probably the only thing I will consume anyways. If I did want to eat something, there is no way I could find anything gluten free in the apartment, and even if there was I would be afraid of waking dad up who sleeps in the living room because K uses his bed.
Things are looking up.
K is on her nightly walk- or one of them. I don't really care though because I am at a good number and heading on down. My metabolism is pretty good right now considering how much I have been eating lately so I should be able to get down to at least 153 without having too much trouble. Maybe then, if I'm not careful my metabolism will hit the brakes on things.
I have passed this goal again but next time I will be passing a whole new goal.
I can't wait to get rid of this muffin top!
I am typing this letter by letter on H's ps3. It is a giant pain in the neck.
It's like looking for forever for every letter before pressing on it.
Anyays I got on to discuss the method I just realised I use to recover after a really bad binge, or just a bad run of no weight loss in general. What I usually do, is make myself stay up all night exercising hardcore and burning off as many calories as I can until am worn out. Then I try to occupy myself with anything I can until I have been up for a reasonable amount of time without eating. This usually just as the sun comes up or later, and my belly has started to be hungry and has started to growl. Then when I finally go to sleep, I sleep for a longer period of time without eating.
I woke up and weighed in at 156.5 lbs.
Fluke maybe? I had to check twice just to make sure.
At least half of a lb of that has to be clothes.
Bacon-                550 calories
Tub of Fries-       1200 calories
Fry Sauce-          100 calories
Cheese Slices-    180
Tomato Slices-    15 calories
Chicken-             600 calories
Caramel Apple
            Suckers- 120 calories
Really Bad
              Coffee- 100 (?)
Hot cocoas-        180
____________________________
Total:                  3045 calories

Gruesome isn't it? These are just my estimates though, and I always judge high just to cover the extra calories anyways. Even then, the extra exercise I will be motivated to do helps out...
I can't get myself to go out for a walk. I'll probably burn too little anyways and then get worn out and go to bed. So I went and did 300 jumping jacks in the bathroom. I can actually feel my upset stomach sloshing around in me and it's very loud... and uncomfortable... and yeah, it's an upset stomach... Oh well.
Back to my jumping jacks...

***Inner Turmoil***















Saturday, April 28, 2012

I was looking at my blog, I think I clicked the view post thing on accident... and the bar on the bottom was moving on it's own. I pushed it to the side and took my hand off the mouse and it was moving back and forth, not a lot, but it was. The screen wasn't even moving with it.
I called K in because I was so intrigued and she said it was kind of creepy. Now I know it isn't my eyes spazzing out. So weird lol...
I fucked my calories today but I don't care because it feels so good to hang out with a friend who just lets me talk until my mouth falls off- which it hasn't yet. I'm one of those people who, when you get to know me and I am comfortable with you, I will talk your block off. Once I get going there is no stopping me. But I think he likes me... x.x
He says, "What happens if I do this?" And starts running his hands through my hair and twirling the ends in his fingers. And I said, "I don't know. Why?"
And he replied, "I don't know." In a kind of down tone like he expected me to like it. He has always liked me. Before his now ex-girlfriend he made it very clear and tried to make moves on me but I wouldn't let him. I just can't like him that way... He's always been a good friend but nothing more. H is the only guy who ever moved out of the friend zone. And he was a new friend at the time.
H is at his game night.
This guy, Idk if he has a letter but I feel like I have talked about him before and assigned him a letter...
Fine I will call him L for now so I don't get confused while talking about him.
L helped me carry my laundry out to the car. He brought some gluten free crackers for us to snack on in the car. It wasn't half bad tasting and the calories weren't awful... unless you eat too many...
He bought laundry soap, got me a toothbrush and some kids flavored toothpaste, because I dislike peppermint. It's okay sometimes, but often it just makes me sick. Then he changed four more dollars into quarters. He paid for my trash bag full of laundry to be washed and dried. Then he took me out to lunch and got me some fries- an entire tub with fry sauce and a BLT sandwich without the bun for both of us. And I talked for a long time, eventually getting into what I was saying so much he had to tell me I was talking too loud and we were in a public place. Oops x.x
We left, went for a long drive. He willingly wasted gas money and I just talked and talked and talked and kept changing the radio station like I always do. Eventually we ended up back at the apartment and we sat with K and chatted a bit while petting the little dogs. Then we went to the park and swung on swings like I like to and he pushed me as I talked my mouth off some more. Then we walked back and he hugged me goodbye and left. He's nice, but I just can't see him in any other way than a friend...
I do see some guys and have to look twice, I can be attracted to other guys besides H, just not this one.

On the subject of H- Stay with me here. It's a long post. I know.
Last night. I ended up getting so cold he got all demanding and told me to come over. I said, "But you don't like it when I sleep that close to you." And he dragged me over anyways and then half rolled onto me. He had his head on my shoulder and his body turned towards mine. I couldn't resist and tell him no. So now I have hopes for us again and it sucks. I'm fighting, I really am, but I think I should just let things be and see where things go for now, because fighting everything is taking up a lot of my energy and I just don't have that kind of energy, especially if I do end up here for a while. I don't want to build up that kind of misery. I will try and give him space when I can and try to force myself to relax and let things go more.
The way he speaks to me melts my heart. It's like telling me to drown. Even if I wanted to die, my body and instincts are going to fight the entire way. I don't see how I am going to get over him while I am sleeping in the same bed as him every night. Oh well. : )
I am always coming up with new theories and analogies to explain things. I guess I think a lot about these kinds of things...
Call me a philosopher of life.
It helps me to cope better when I can explain things. I love to research things and find out things. I also have a fascination with researching problems I think I have. I checked out books on eating disorders, anorexia, stress and anxiety, depression, and food intolerance.

...I have been crying about no one from my family calling to talk to me, missing my sisters and my mom, and guess who calls?
My dad.
He's all, "Just calling to see how you are doing. How are you?"
Then he says, "I realize you need someone to teach you how to drive." And offers me more driving lessons.
How do I properly hate my dad now?!
...Weird...
H is giving me signals that I don't wanna hear... and yet I do want to hear them...
I went on a crying binge last night a bit, and I said, "You have no intentions of ever getting romantic with me again. So I need to stop living in this fantasy and giving myself false hope."
"How do you know (that I have no intention of this)?"
Of course, it gave me the fuel I needed...

Think of it like this.
There is a measuring cup marked from 1-10, bottom to top. Every time H does something to upset me, the measuring cup pours out until it is one mark less than before. Eventually it get to around one or two, and then one positive thing and the entire cup refills again. Happiness weighs more than unhappiness. Hope, is worth infinitely more than despair. I suppose this theory explains why the abused stick around to be abused more. All it takes is a smile, or an apology and the cup is full once more.
If it didn't ever refill and became empty, the love is lost forever, the relationship comes to a close.
Some have deeper cups than others. This means they have more patience and tolerance.
After some point, going farther and farther back into my posts was traumatizing. Seeing all the stuff I wrote about H... When we were still together... and the entire time there are signs that subconsciously I knew I was going to lose him. Look at the dream, "Dreaming in an abandoned schoolhouse", and at some of the poems. It is very clear how unhappy I was. To think, most of it was the drugs... or was it...?
Anyways, I accidentally looked down from fixing the title and say things, like the picture I took of the chocolate advent calendar chocolate he had given me, and how happy it had made me. I also saw the One line post where I was alone on New Years Eve and it almost had me crying. My life is terrifying. I told H I would sleep with K, but I am scared and I just want to curl up where I am safe and comfortable, and I feel safer in that room, with or without him.
I don't know what I am going to do... I obviously have no self control, and I am obviously not going to get him back. But this isn't just breaking my heart, it's destroying it. There is a difference by the way.
Breaking is merely putting my heart into pieces. destroying it is like torching the pieces until there is literally nothing left. It hurts so bad and I don't want to do it anymore. H keeps telling me not to give up, but put in these situations where it is literally impossible to be anywhere I can be happy, I don't know what else I am supposed to do. I can't go home, and I have no place elsewhere. My life sis a black hole. Even if I'm not weak like I believe I am, then that just means my life is too much for me.
No worries, nothing drastic, but that's even worse. There is not way to fix this. There is nothing I can do. I am powerless to save myself. I am trapped. I have no control. I am out of control. I am me, and it's killing me,
I am working on my blog right now. I am bothered by the numbers. I can never associate a number with a post, which is a pain when I need to see what post someone commented on, or when I am trying to see the most popular post of the day.
Also, H just came in, asking if I wanted a piece of chicken if he scraped the breading off (it has gluten in that part) and I turned him down saying, "I'm not hungry". Then he petted my head, messing with my emotions, but I ignored it. Instead of turning into it I kept my eyes on the screen and kept working.
People always think I am creepy when I want my head petted, but I find it very nice. It's basically a pat on the head, crossed with running fingers through my hair. It is like a kiss coming from him. When he pets my head it means he is fond of me. It is hard to hate him after that... But I still need to stay away from him. His temptation is akin to the food one I have.
Finally I am hungry. My stomach is growling and it hurts but it hurts so good. H is usually the reason for me to eat. But I have not really spoken to him after he asked me what was wrong and I didn't answer. I WILL get over the bastard. He keeps coming in to check on me, which he usually does. Without him, I feel the need to starve again. I have the will, the motivation, the STRENGTH- and it is amazing.
When I allow myself to live in the delusion that he still loves me, I feel happy and therefore I eat. It is like he is my comfort instead of Ana, but I cannot allow myself to do that anymore.
I need to depend on myself for happiness, on my own methods. He can no longer be in the picture.
H makes me angry. I hate H.
I hate him, I hate him, I hate him...
I just realized another issues between me and him. Allowing him to snuggle me and treat me in a very personal way, there is no way he would ask me out. The reason for this would be that I am already allowing him to treat me in such a way that it feels as if there is no farther we could go in the relationship. There is no incentive to ask me out, because anything he would want from me as a girlfriend, I am already fulfilling.
I don't want to like him. I don't want to think about him. I want to get over him. But he is right here in my face because I AM FUCKING LIVING WITH HIM. Why shouldn't I hate him at this point?! But even more, I hate myself for becoming the pathetic one who still has feelings for a guy who has long moved on. FUCK MY LIFE.
I already found out I won't be getting the job at that one place because Y is a compulsive liar. The manager said there are not any spots open.
Also, Y lied to his brother that I had a job, and eventually his brother will find out. We will never get into an apartment, or we will and then he will kick me out for one reason or another. So inevitably, I am stuck here with an ass who still holds my broken heart in his hand, but he doesn't want it. So now my heart is gone, trashed, an accurate portrayal of my worthlessness.
Beware of the nice guys. Mine turned into a dick. He always was one, just pretended not to be when he was infatuated with me.
Not to completely lay out the obvious, but I am NOT happy here.
So when he asked me just a few minutes ago what was wrong, I pursed my lips around my sucker and glared at him. He isn't right for me anyways. Who could ever possibly love someone like me?

Friday, April 27, 2012

I think K knows what my blog is called and has been reading it. Cue the panic attack. That bitch needs to keep out of my business.
Sigh... I had a little pork and beans (ew) because that is one of the only things here with no gluten in it, and a can of tuna (ew too). I also ended up going and getting nachos which brings on another sigh. Hopefully I haven't eaten too much. I will make some hot cocoa or something to fill me up. The taste of the water here is gross...
Thank you Miss Mad.
No one ever holds me accountable for my actions. They always tell me it's fine, who cares if I ate too much and to let it go, and since no one is telling me otherwise, I usually give in. Miss Mad you were on last night at the same time I was. You gave me the strength to go on a walk. A very long, very tiring walk. It was nice.
This morning I weigh 157.8 with clothes. Crisis over.
THANK YOU!!!
<3 you!
Ok I haven't moved. The night suddenly seems so terrifying. Maybe if I had better music on my mp3 player... It really is the only thing that can hold back my anxieties from the outside world sometimes. It keeps me in my own little world, like there is a barrier there, keeping me safe. Right now, I have a ton of music which holds no appeal for me, which is unhelpful, and the radio. I wish there were more stations. Most of the time every channel is on commercial or a love song.
H is so frustrating...
All right. Deep breath... here I go. Let's see if I can do it... Going out the door...
Everyone is asleep. I threw up some of it, because my stomach was bursting and I felt sick anyways. I can never do more than like, three good heaves though before I'm like, "good enough." and stop. Nachos has got to be one of the most disgusting tastes coming back up. I'm not trying to gross anyone out but that is the honest truth.
H has been friendly all day. He got back and told me I seemed happier today, and I just made cute eyes and said thank you which made him laugh.
Maybe I was happier because I didn't have to spend all day with him as a temptation or emotional upheaval. I didn't break down at all. No tears. I was a bit moody but it was manageable. I didn't get angry at all or make rude comments behind a sly smile. Not too much negative energy today.
I remember a few days ago, the room was dark and H was angry at me (I probably started it, I usually start it) and he must have made a mean comment at me with a cuss word in it, because I snapped. I grabbed the collar of his shirt and got my face in his and snarled, "Don't you fucking cuss at me ever again. I deserve better." Or something like that. I think maybe I shocked the hell out of him. He either said nothing or said okay really quietly.
I am not a viscous person and I NEVER get like that. I can be mean and bitchy occasionally when the situation asks for it, but never to anyone but family. I know him well enough to be comfortable doing it around him too, but still, kind of rare for me.
H says he noticed about an hour after I eat bread I go into big mood swings where I am down on myself. So, I hope that ceasing my intake of gluten will help. I haven't had any today, which made me ravenous when I did get the chance to eat anything. I love to just snack on bread. I crave it a lot...
It used to be one of my main binge items. I would take a giant chunk of cheddar cheese and three or four pieces of bread and wash it down with whatever. Then there was popcorn and fruit snacks. That was what was around back then, at my house. I am ashamed I did what I did today. It was awful. At least it wasn't like it was back then. After losing ten or so pounds by hardly eating, I went into a binge eating cycle where I would eat the before mentioned items to the point of consuming 2000-5000 calories, sometimes more. the only way I kept from completely ballooning back up was my extreme exercise habits. I would pace the hallway downstairs from night until dawn, and sometimes skip school to sleep in afterwards. After a while I couldn't feel my legs and I would just keep going on anyways.
As soon as I can get past my ridiculous anxieties I will try and go for a walk. I am terrified to wake H's dad up which it inevitably will to open the front door. That has always been an incredible anxiety for me. I think maybe I had one too many nightmares during the night when I was little, and my dad would wake up and explode on me when I tried to wake him up to help me. When my dad explodes it is terrifying. Even now. I can't even remember how horrible it was as a kid, who was already terrified from nightmares, and the paranoid idea of some kidnapper watching me through the window...
Massive nachos and massive reeces milkshake. FML.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

***Anorexia Cartoons***











Can anyone else see the butterflies I put on my page?! Because they are driving me insane and I never even look at my own blog... much. I don't wanna take them off though... They just irritate me because I can't focus while they are there lol...
I have issues hehe...
Does anybody else believe in aura's?
Half the time I really don't but then I start thinking about how certain comforts help us feel better, and certain people make us feel a certain way, and all it takes is a glance?
I think I have my own definition of aura though.
Take it how you will.
I weigh about 157.5 with clothes and after eating so... Idk where that puts me but I guess it isn't too bad. Or I mean- it could be worse.
H's dad is supposed to come home soon. Idk if H will stay another night at R's or what.
I made sure not to eat gluten today. I was reading a library book on food intolerance's and food allergies and took a few tests in it and it seems mine is kind of on the extreme side. Not to jump to conclusions but I could have Celiac disease which is linked to bipolar disorder.
If I stop eating gluten for a a while and my moods start regulating themselves... Either way it is seriously upsetting my stomach and has been for years. It is messing up my digestive system including my intestines. in other words? Gluten is really really really bad for me.
For those of you who don't know, this means I cannot eat anything containing wheat, flour, oats, and a few other things.
So think about it like this- I can't eat cereals, cookies, cupcakes, bread, noodles, bagels, beer, any baked goods, crackers, pasta, pizza or pretzels. That is just my basic list. Combine that with a lactose intolerance's, (dairy) and I can eat jack shit. Nothing. Nada.
I can eat meat and fruits and vegetables and that's about it. And I am thinking of being vegetarian again. I didn't eat meat for an entire year once...
Sigh. I am bound to hit the cupcakes again sometimes... I was so close to wrapping that icky rice stuffs K made me earlier into a tortilla just to make it bearable. I ended up eating as much as I could in between nibbles of sprinkles and then letting the dogs eat some and then scooping the rest into the trash. That is pretty much all I ate today... Some strange rice mixture with tomatoes and beans and onions and a whole lot of seasonings that didn't mix and made the stuff too strong. And sprinkles. I did have a bite of the raisin bran cereal to stop gagging on my pill though...
I have been going on walks lately I'm pretty sure.
I went on a little one earlier. It's pathetic how little I have lost since the beginning of this blog. I keep losing five or so pounds and then eating myself right up the scale. I gotta work on that...
Looking at all of these super skinny girls' blogs, I feel really... not even jealous, just motivated. I am jealous of H's ability to be happy just playing games and envy his hoard of friends, but I am not jealous of all these little girls... How strange. I must have blocked that part of me off after K...

I actually fantasize sometimes of revealing my identity. Something about this anonymity is really fun and mysterious. I am not anyone anybody really knows, but I have never been clear about where exactly I live or what my real name is. It's so interesting too, because it is difficult not to comment on certain little things that interest me because of my name, or someone else's name who I talk about often.

The idea of one day perhaps being known for this blog is intriguing to me and I don't know why. I would hate to suddenly die, eventually, and not having anyone know who I am. It just seems sad. This is the me I really love and I would hate for it to be forgotten...

On the other hand, I would never reveal my identity at this point, mainly because... well I don't know. Perhaps the idea of letting my name loose on the internet, connected to my innermost feelings and emotions fills me with panic. Or perhaps I don't want people to be able to look me up on Facebook or something and figure out  what I'm really about, even though I am not hiding anything from anyone here. Maybe it is because being faceless here, my words cannot be held against me. Perhaps I am afraid that, like everyone else in my life, you would come to realize that you hate me too. Something about the way I am irks people, but so far not my readers. I can't think that it is my looks, but is it?

I also could never imagine the real images of my wretched body getting leaked, like you all would be appalled with me or something. Whether I trust you readers or not, I just couldn't risk it.

I do daydream of such things as posting the image of my face for maybe 12 or 24 hours, and then taking it down. But I am ashamed of even my own face and I could not show it. Interesting idea, identities that is...
Hey girls, I updated the Ana's Playlist Page with a new playlist of Victoria's Secret Fashion Shows! The girls are gorgeous. Makes me wanna be too.

***Problems With H***

I hate what is going on between us and it is stressing me out. So I will make a plan to follow to make me feel safer.

Problem: H asks what is wrong.
Solution: Smile, and change the subject. If you can't think of a subject, tell him you suddenly have a craving for some kind of food, and then to change your mood, go on a walk.


Problem: Getting frustrated with H for ignoring you.
Solution: The more you try and gain his attentions, the more he will be pushed away. Go on a walk to calm down.


Problem: Confiding in H.
Solution: Use the computer and talk your problems out here, or in your new journal. If neither are present, text a friend, or go for a walk.


Problem: My unhappiness
Solution: Well considering you don't want to go back on drugs...


Ways to improve your mood:
1.) Start humming. the vibrations send the happy chemical to your brain.
2.) Exercise does the same thing. Go for a walk.
3.) Smile even if you don't feel like it.
4.) Tell yourself something nice about yourself once in a while. You shouldn't have to depend on anyone else to form the belief that you are wonderful and amazing. (Of course you are!)


My new goal: Not to effing break down every night anymore. It is putting a strain on you. Fuck it if he cares, but it isn't good for you.
Why you do it: You feel as if you have not accomplished enough during the day or made any progress with H.
What you need to realize: Rome was not built in a day, and your heart cannot be repaired that fast either.
Solution: Go for a walk girl. I cannot stress enough the importance of walking away and getting some fresh air. Even if you have to go for millions of walks a day, who cares? Not you.

This is me talking myself down. This is why I have not committed suicide. If I had multiple personality disorder, this would be the part of me that slaps the other me's and says, "Wake up and smell the roses stupid! Besides, they are pretty too..."
My life sucks but wouldn't it be a good story to tell my children someday? Of how mommy killed all the dragons and dumped the prince? Or tell anyone for that matter... What a feat to have achieved, I mean really. I conquered life! Now I just have to do it...
I'm sure I have lots more problem/solution ideas but I really just want to stop thinking about him right now.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I ate too much today, but even worse I ate too much gluten products today. There is nothing here without the stuffs. Generally there is little food without gluten but still. My stomach is declaring mutiny...
K was wearing this lacy tank top today. It was cute, but I had to take a while to figure that out because she looks effing awful. Funny thing is, when I can look past my weird image thing in my head, I can tell that I have a great body, even if I weigh more. I am all curves and have an hourglass figure. She has... Well, she's K.
Her personality is about the same as her body shape. Actually, one might be worse than the other, but I can't tell you which.
Also her face is really... it's not even plain or homely. It's just...K.
Damn my upset stomach...

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Living with H means no control over my food. I can try and not mention food so that he doesn't remember to make me eat, but otherwise I am fucked. Otherwise, I would be following that same plan Miss Mad.
I would rather eat than for H to be mad at me. That is how effed up I am. And I HATE eating.

***One Wish***

Thinner
Smaller
Always a struggle
The feeling of fat
Of gross
Of awful

Fighting
But losing
The numbers
Up and down
Tears, a frown
In this,
In Ana I drown

Running
Screaming
Withdrawing
Cutting
Harming
Sighing
Another day
Another number
Never good enough
Never reaching far enough
To reach my goals
The stars
The moon
My goddess,
Aphrodite

Bones
So sharp
Protruding
Protecting
I no longer
Want
For needing
The survival
Of thin
Keeps me afloat
In this ocean
Of wrongs

I seek perfection
Even more than that
I want it
And need it
And crave it so bad
It eats me
I eat
And from the inside out I am eaten
It controls me
Feeds me
Not my body
My soul

Ana please
Save me
Be my family
My friends
My life
My heart
My existence
It's all yours
Just grant me one-
        Wish

I want to be thin
       And beautiful!

***Ana Pics+***





Don't you know how it feels when you weight the same up and down, withing a few lbs no matter what for MONTHS?!?!?!
I'm going crazy!
It's not like I don't try. But what small effort I can give is worthless because my metabolism won't unfuck itself.
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And H is always making me eat. Kills me...
Someone put me in a coma so I can not eat for two weeks and not even know it...
God, I have sinned so many times and yet you still won't strike me down... Maybe this Friday before a binge? And maybe I can stay under for a while? Thanks anyways God...
I guess I'm too fat and ugly for him to love me- no hater comments please.
There is some white on my nails. I have managed to stop chewing. Walking into the store next to K in a tank top is hell I found out. If I look anything like her since we weigh around the same, I don't want to live. I felt putrid and disgusting. I would give anything to be the weight of Miss Mad, or you others.
This is the thing, the torment called Ana. And yet, she feels so safe...

***Damn x.x***

Yeah the title says it all. I tried to read blog posts but it's like my attention span has run off with someone else. I can't get through a sentence of even my own writing- especially my own writing. Ever have days like that? I do... observe-


What is it with this ass? I am severely... like static.
Everything that is going on right now in my life... I don't feel like explaining or venting. I just want my girls around me you know?
K is probably less in weight now. The fact that she is winning at my game makes me extremely angry and scared and other things... like defeated.
I ate a giant thing of nachos just now. I got really upset and threw up a little bit of it, but not enough to really make a difference. My body doesn't have the energy to exercise at her rate. I feel like I can't do it.
So I might be having a blog night.
I guess I will read and write and post and shit and stuff...

Sunday, April 22, 2012

***Playlist***

I am listening to my own playlist- the um... music video one. I put together a ton of good songs with their music videos that show lots of skinny girls, except I liked some of them so much that they don't have pretty girls... but yeah. Let's pretend they do...
: )
I've been a real stick in the mud lately. Sorry girls for being a downer :/
H made me eat another can of something so I gained a pound :/
Even with clothes on I could figure that out.
Good luck everyone!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

That was just an icky day. I ended up breaking down and sobbing my eyes out anyways and he asked what was wrong. he comforted me, hugged me and told me that I had not disrespected myself and that we wouldn't do it again. Then I told him that I didn't want to have forced him to go on a date with me, I wanted him to want it for himself first. He replied that we could go on a date. Considering he has no money... It will never happen. But the idea was nice.
I really hope I get this job I applied for... the one Y is trying to help me get.
I think what I am dealing with worst here is my loneliness. Sometimes a girl just needs her mom, so I keep calling mine expecting her to want to talk and hang out and love me. She was never that kind of mom. I crave human contact, exactly like what Miss Mad said- thank you for your concern by the way- and I just want to be held and/or loved and cared for. H was gone all yesterday and I thought he was coming home, so I waited up for him for hours and then I felt ridiculously pathetic and stupid. He isn't even mine anymore so what gives me the right to feel angry and frustrated when he doesn't tell me what he is doing? I feel like I am doing something wrong in that sense. I don't want to feel this way, it's just how I feel.
He came in this morning and greeted me with body contact. He jumped onto the bed and hugged me or something and made sure I knew he was there. Men are so tiring...
I don't honestly know how much I weigh. K has moved the scale out into the kitchen, so if I weigh myself I have to do it when no one is looking, which never happens, and I have to do it fully clothed.
Yesterday i had two hot dogs in buns, some sun chips, and soda. That's about it. Then I went on a giant walk, but for some reason I feel as if my pants are tighter today than they were yesterday and it frustrates me.
I read the book "Skinny" Last night. Liked it a lot...
H has this thing, where, whenever he is eating he will put whatever he is eating in front of my mouth so I have to take a bite or two. he gets slightly frustrated when I don't, so I have long since complied each time. He says he does it because otherwise I won't eat. How sweet. He knows me so well...
Hope you are all well, I hardly get a private moment on the computer anymore. They may move it into the living room so that K can't hide anything that she is doing anymore, but it will also mean I can't either.
Love my girls <3
Hopefully I will get a job soon so that I can buy myself a computer of my own. then you might be seeing me a lot. But until then...

Friday, April 20, 2012

I feel like I have been violated. I don't know why I did it. I made him get turned on, made him promise to go on a date with me if I had sex with him, and then I had sex with him. I wasn't even really turned on and it hurt. I didn't get any pleasure from it at all and now I feel like I'm disgusting. How could I disrespect myself that way?! I really don't know why I did it. Even the first time it didn't hurt, but I am sitting here as he showers and it hurts. Also, during, he didn't want to touch me or pleasure me in any way and that hurt. I hate myself for this.
I have been crying miserable all day for all different reasons so I can't cry now. It makes me feel like a baby. I cried when my last tetra died earlier, and when I accidentally knocked over his dad's bear and broke it, and even when he got angry at me for asking if we could hang out on Sunday. Then I cried for a while because I missed my mom and wanted her to be there when I needed her most. Crappy day.
And then the worst part is, I binged all day when I realized how fat I really am.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Everything is okay at the moment.
I hear K says she is 160 and I just saw her nekked (involuntarily might I add) and I was like... do I look like that??? I can't look like that... Is she lying about her weight?
Either way, I haven't eaten in a while and I am planning on sleeping at some point today and that will eliminate maybe a lb. I always lose tons when I stay up for two days and then sleep one. Really, it is staying up for about a day and a half, and then sleeping after that. For some reason I tend to have more control when I am tired, which defies reason but I'll roll with it.
I panicked earlier but nothing stupid and I was able to get myself to snap out of it. Boredom literally had me in tears. Having nothing to do makes me panic for some reason. So I have played best friend with K all yesterday and last night and more now. She isn't too bad. I can't get myself to hate anyone. >.<
Oh well. *Shrug* : )
I am doing well with my nails too, I think. There is a tiny bit of white that is actual nail enamel, not just skin. I gotta be skinny though. I gotta be the skinniest.
On the H front... I don't have a fucking clue what's going on, but things haven't gone to hell yet. When I get upset lately and start ranting at H- through text or otherwise- I have a new habit of making myself stop and ask him, "Say something nice to me." It stops the cycle and just that one bit of positive throws me back into trying again.
Last time, he was very confused and sarcastic and said- over the phone the dork- "I like your shoes." I laughed through my tears, said thank you, and hung up.
This time, he texted, "You are not hopeless nor are you a bitch. I love your company." And I know he means it. I made myself leave the dark empty bedroom, and even if I still had to cry it would have to be in front of people. I actually didn't feel like getting up, so I crawled just outside the door onto the disgusting hallway carpet and lay there splayed out on my tummy. It was actually entertaining. then I moved around a lot and distracted myself. Watched movies and shows with K while playing different games like monopoly and rummy...
Things will be okay. I think. And I need to get used to that idea.
I think the season spring is helping. Must be seasonal depression... Which sucks for when it turns fall or winter, but for now I will take what I can get...
Defeat the enemy!
Conquer unhappiness!
Smile!
Well, I tried... I'm working on it... -.-
Yeah.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

***Hello Everyone :) ***

Hello Everyone :)
This is effed up to say the least. I talked to Y last night I guess, or really a few hours ago, and so we are not going to get that apartment. I made it clear that I could not live around F. I shouldn't have to wake up and go into the kitchen (this is an example of if we were living in the new apartment) and feel disgusted and want to not eat because he's there. Not that I wouldn't mind the motivation but I just can't live that way. His entire... his presence makes me feel disgusting. H agreed right off that he was a creep.
Things were getting better with H... but now I am living with him once again. He is at R's right now, but... I talked to his dad to get here. H says he is ok with it. But this is all going to craps. It was either live on the streets and maybe have a potential future relationship with H, or have a warm bed to sleep on and my chances with H are slim. I will need to be out all day, everyday. He will need his space and I don't think even that is okay...
Idk. I am really kind of brain dead at the moment. Numb, you know?

Miss Mad, of course that comment would have upset you. It upset me too. I don't know what to say. Everyone has some element of truth in what they are saying, it just depends which side you are looking at, and what dimension of reality you live in. I get offended when I get comments that have to do with religion,  or when people tell me I need help. Some people will never understand because they haven't experienced what you or I have, and some things take experience to fully comprehend. I'm not sure what else to say but that there will always be downers, so keep your chin up and let yourself smile.
Love you all! xoxo

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Um Miss Mad I would just say to delete the comment and make a post saying anyone who can't at least respect your life needs to get one of their own.
I am at H's. The reason for that being I need to apply for financial aid and some jobs before tomorrow. I kicked myself out of the house, so now I am not living with my mom and can't post regularly but I can try to post at least once a week.
I am actually living on F's couch right now. Yes he is the one that flashed me. Idk what's going to happen. On the bright side it will help me cut down on eating.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

I'm having one of those moments when I just stare at my knees and think, "What...?"
I think I'm in shock...
Not only is Miss Mad commenting about me in her blog, but now LittleMissFairy made an entire post for me, which I still don't believe... I think I'm confused too.
Two people like me?
Damn I must really live under a rock to not know what to do when people love me.   >.<
Still have no clue what to say except... thank you...? O.O
I think I forgot to feed my fish. I better go do that...

***Stuff***

I've been updating a bit. I updated one of my pages, just an FYI.

***Colored Words***

Hey has anyone noticed the patterns of colors in my posts?
I usually feel like I have to color something up when it looks too boring, but I have to pick a color to fit my mood.
Red- usually something dark and emotional, or sometimes just party style wild and loud
Orange- I only use this color when I am feeling okay towards H. It's his favorite color.
Yellow- possibly my favorite color at the moment because it feels bright and enthusiastic about the future
Green- this can really mean anything, including feeling off or weird, or not having another color
Blue- calm. it really does portray calm most of the time
Purple/violet- R's favorite color. It means a usual day most of the time. Something very basic, almost square.
Pink- usually involves my brother, who loves the color, or something girly. Knowing my brother, it could be both.
Gray- I usually am just tired and can't stomach the contrast of the white because my background is black
Black- well you wouldn't see it then would you?
White- this means I didn't bother to change the color. Obviously. That usually reads: I am having a day, no particular mood attached, so take it as it is.

Then you can usually measure the extent of my moods by the shade. For example: if it is bright yellow then I am happy and excited. If it is lighter yellow, it is more mellow. Deep red means more pain that regular red, and so on. I like to think I can keep somewhat in touch with my emotions. By having to associate a color with a mood, then I am forcing myself to stop and think about what I am feeling so I can make better sense of it, and what to do with it. I don't always follow this system though. Sometimes I just pick a color that I am comfortable with for the day, but then, if I'm comfortable with it then it can't be too far off the dot right?

Friday, April 13, 2012

***Blogging***

You know what I love most about blogging?
I am anonymous. No one can judge me by the way I look, or the rhythm of my speech, or the sound of my laugh. No one can look at my clothes, or how young I seem, or anything about me and judge me. It all comes down to my words. Something about the words I speak and the thoughts I write makes my readers read what I write. It feels really good.
I have always done best when I have people who love me. As long as I have that I am happy. That is really all it takes. Call me simple but is it really such a small thing to want to be loved?
So I would like to thank Miss Mad for becoming so involved in my blog and letting me become somewhat involved in her life. I love you!
Also, I am forever thanking all of my readers in general. Thank you Anna, LittleMissFairy, and Penny Lane.
Love to you all!


Forgive me if I say thank you or sorry to much it's just in my nature. And I am so grateful you guys put up with me when I blog millions of times a night because I am bored and lonely.


***Weight Loss Cartoons***

I might as well make light of it. *Shrug*








***What To Do When You Fail***

When you fail, take advantage of it.
Use the feeling of being fat to motivate yourself to do something about it.
If you have binged, all the extra calories and junk food will make your metabolism that of a fat person's for a while. Overweight people have better metabolisms than thinner people, and this is because the body knows that they need it.
You will burn more calories, and lose weight faster and easier.
No panicking, no self abuse, just calm. Let yourself relax.
Drink lots of water, and try and fill up on fruit when you get hungry.
That's my plan anyways...

***Fat People***

Normally I would hate myself for posting this, but just because we don't want to look like this doesn't mean we have any problems with the people themselves.

http://www.freakingnews.com/Fat-People-Pictures--328.asp

These make me sad. It makes you think, "Wow. I can't possibly be fat in light of this."

http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/dimtext/kjn/people/heaviest.htm
If you really want to eat, go here. It will make you not want to eat. Think of it as reverse thinspo... with food.

http://listverse.com/2007/09/11/top-10-disgusting-foods/

http://www.uglyfood.com/

http://guyism.com/lifestyle/disgusting-food-facts-you-didnt-know.html

http://www.oddee.com/item_97193.aspx

http://promotehealth.info/?p=514

If you have a weak stomach don't click on the last link please.
I should really consider a different method for naming my posts. I get the numbers mixed up easy so it will say there was a comment on a certain post and I have to figure out which post is that number.


I thought I would comment on something really fast.
I was thinking about this when I clicked on my stats and it told me which browser was being used. I don't know whether many of you are using Internet explorer, or Firefox, or chrome or whatever, but I have to mention privacy with these.
There are many ways to track your history if people are trying to keep track of your blog who aren't supposed to know about it. My own brother is probably reading my blog all the time from where he is without telling me, and I would never know. People like family members or friends might know about and/or read your blog and not confront you about it, and the reason for that would be that they can use it to know what you are thinking and if you are eating enough.
This probably isn't happening in most cases, but I know the last thing any one of us wants is to have our blogs read or discovered by someone we know. It's a complete nightmare, am I right?
One thing you can do to prevent people from finding your blog in the history, is to delete it, but there are many ways to pull up another path to the history. What I do, is I use Google chrome, and then I open up an incognito window. It's under the little wrench on the right hand side of the top of the window. You click on it and then click new incognito window. It's the third option in the list if that helps.
Incognito window will not leave a history to have to delete, but your email if you are signed into it will leave a history so you can find places you have been, but only while signed in.
I use it on this computer anyways, even though I have my own account on my mom's computer with a password that my mom doesn't know. It just makes me feel safer.
I hope I helped someone. :)
Trying to be enthusiastic here, but I ate so much my stomach is bulging painfully and I think I ate a few thousand calories. It was just one of those days.
So I am not giving up and I will exercise all night. I took another green tea pill but I am feeling exhausted again. Maybe I should take another? I don't know...
I feel really nauseous right now.
Ok it's washed out.
My head looks like a flame. The first time I bleach it after it is brown it always turns out Orange. The roots are yellowish and towards the ends it's dark orange/brown.
I came prepared this time though.
I have two regular blond dyes to use on it tomorrow and the next day. These will tone it down to a regular blond and take out the reds. I always have to dye it several times to get it to the light light blond I like best. I'm not going anywhere until Monday anyways...


While washing the bleach out I didn't wear gloves. My nails are chewed down to the nerves, some of them open wounds that you can't see very well but they bled. And then I got bleach on them...
OUCH.
Do you know why torture is usually pulling nails off? Because the ends of your fingers have the most sensitive nerves in the entire body.


You know what else is torture?
If H hadn't broken up with me, today would be our 11 month anniversary. He asked me out right after midnight on Friday the Thirteenth in May of last year. Now I am depressed. I'm not completely over him, if over him at all. I mean, I'm not still bawling hiding under the covers in heartbreak, but it isn't pleasant either.
Not to completely screw up the enthusiasm thing, but I need to wash the bleach out now or my hair could fall out, but my sister climbed in the shower because she threw up on herself on the bus on the way home from school... 45 minutes ago. She always takes extremely long showers.
........................................................ -.-
Holy crap I actually did pass one of the goals in my list. And I was a whole different BMI too!
I will get back there sooner than you think.
ENTHUSIASM FOR YA'AL!!!!!
This may just be a manic high but I'm going to flow with it.






***Bleach***

So I am 156.8 or something.
I am bleaching my hair right now. Yay for blond!
I always feel better when my hair is an outrageously light or bright color. I feel more like myself now.
But maybe that is the noxious fumes of the bleach going to my head...
Oh well.
I am posting this because honestly I don't want R blabbing it to people because he would see it on Facebook. It doesn't seem that big to you maybe, but he would twist it into this outrageous story that only R can make. I really don't hate him and I'm not going to take him out of my friends list on Facebook.
So basically, blogging here because I am bored and can't Facebook.
I just turned that into a verb. >.<

On a different note, I was talking about my mom like she was trapped the other day, but my parents really do love each other and I don't think they would ever choose to separate. Even if it was okay to in terms of religion. I might be projecting my issues onto my mom.

My hair is so dark that I have to leave the bleach in for an hour and I still have another 30 minutes to go. I itch!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

***Bored 2***





***What Happens When I Get Bored***

















***Bored***

I would rather have a panic attack than be bored. Being bored is awful.
Boredom has been, is, and will always be my worst downfall. It's my Achilles heel.
I eat, I chew my nails until they bleed, I destroy stuff, I cut my hair or dye it some obscene color...
I bully my sisters, text too much, or I sit there hot and miserable with my leg jumping up and down because I am restless. Nothing is fun. I get bored of everything I do...
Consider all of the things you love to do, and then imagine having the time to do them, but not wanting to. It's AWFUL. I play a little Pokemon, I blog a bit, I look up some videos, maybe one or two, I wander around, get tired and sit down, then I read a little...
Having conversations with my sisters suck, because they will wait until a pause in your story and then but in with their own story and when you try to tell the rest of it they get bored and go away. My sisters will never get the art of listening. I have learned it but when someone doesn't listen to you back? It's amazingly irritating.
Everything irritates me today. It's just one of those days. I don't like when people touch me, or when a little kid thinks I'm not listening so they repeat themselves over and over and over and over again. I don't like when all my sisters are trying to tell me something at once, which of course is not important enough to remember after they get called for ice cream.
Oh god the ice cream. I couldn't say no to my mom, even though I was suffering through that entire effing bowl. No one else wanted the rest of it, and I will never be able to waste food. I wish I could just throw out food when I'm done with it, but for some reason I can't.
Sometimes I don't even want to have kids when I grow up because of these little ones. I cannot stand the constant screaming and crying over nothing and them always hitting each other and all the scares because they don't care if the other bleeds... God it's awful. And the youngest one gets waited on hand and foot because my mom feels like she has something to make up for after she lost the baby. This may be awful but I am so glad the baby went to heaven. It's a much better fate than this awful household. Don't get my wrong I loved that baby for the two or three days it was alive, and I still do, but she is so much better off where she is now.
This place is hell and no one in it realizes just how awful it is. They have been born in and created it themselves, so they know no better and know no different.
I do.
Either they don't know how bad things are, or I am the only one who thinks anything is bad. Idk which anymore.
Part of me wonders if it's me. But that might be the boredom talking.
Let's just see what the boredom has me do next. Hehe...

***Song Stuck***

Usually when I get a song stuck in my head for many days on end and then I look up the words, I find my subconscious has sent me a message. I don't know how it works or why, but it does.
This song has been stuck in my head since maybe the day before I last saw H.



I am thinking that the title says it all. "Somebody that I used to Know". That is how I am starting to feel about H. I don't want to even know him anymore. I look back at what he is, and see something I do not like.
I just read the lyrics and they fit like a T. How does my subconscious always know me so well? Oh yeah...
I walked with one of my sisters for a while, maybe about an hour on the path that circles the house. I talk to her pretty freely about my ED because she might have one too. She controls her eating though not to the extent I do, and she has no desire to become a woman at all. I kind of understand that. I can say that I want to lose weight to look skinnier and feel beautiful, but if I really let myself get down to it, I just need there to be less of me. It's irrational but I want less of me to be there to grab on to or for people not to notice me as much. I feel that being this overweight makes my boobs look big and so people think I am someone to take advantage of.
I want to be more like a child. I want to be less... well, just less. I hate having men follow me around with expectations that if they are friendly to me long enough I might come to like them back, even though I have made it very clear that I don't want them that way.
Why can't they just want me as friends?
I guess that's how H feels though. Why do I have to want him only as a potential boyfriend? I always feel when I finally understand his point of view that it's karma, that I am getting what I deserve and that I am in the wrong.
I hate that I always come off as stupid and naive. F is always saying, "no that's ok," or "that's alright with me," "it's fine" as if he has to reassure me. I hate it. I usually say something and then laugh and he find that what, insecure?
Everyone underestimates me, but if I act like I know things, and portray any confidence, I am considered a bitch. I live in a sexist world. If a guy says what he wants, he is respected because he is a man. If a woman speaks her mind she's a bitch. There is still this state of mind where women have one place in society. H treats me that way a lot too. If I act confident he won't be around me. I have to be cute and innocent, or sweet and naive to get his attention. I don't care if he needs to feel like a man, he was a wuss when I met him and he's still just a loser. I don't get where his confidence came from all of a sudden that makes it so I can't be myself.
You know in romance books, how every once in a while the woman speaks her mind and some guy likes that? In the end he is always the one to protect her. No one gives women their proper strength anymore. It's still a sexist world.
Why then should anyone wonder why I feel stifled? Why then should anyone wonder why I feel insecure and inferior around men?
Another rant sorry. It's been nagging me at the back of my mind for a while.
My mom got really upset because she felt unappreciated because she made dinner like she does every night and everyone always just kind of wanders around and won't come during dinner time. I heard and walked in feeling guilty, and my stomach was full because of the sandwiches but I know my mom expresses her unhappy feelings through anger like I do and so I had to eat some. I hugged her and told her thank you and that I did appreciate her making dinner. Then I ate the weird chicken stuff wrapped in lettuce leaves and told her how good it was.
But she was still upset, so I feel even more guilty, even though there is not much I can do.
I actually peeked at some of her writing in her notebook that she left open next to the computer last night, and she was very unhappy with my dad. I think it was a journal. I have been kind of worried about her, like I said the other night she seemed a bit off lately, even though no one else can tell.
I believe she is trapped in her marriage. It is considered very wrong to divorce in their religion, so she pretty much has to try and make it work no matter how awful things get. She once told me that most of their marriage my dad blamed her for him not being able to follow his dreams. Even if she did want to divorce him, she has no job so she would not get custody of her kids and she would have no life and no where to go. She has to do everything around here because he is a selfish bastard. She has convinced herself that some things are her fault and that things could never get better unless she decides to be happy and a lot of stuff that makes me think of me. But the thing is, she will never be able to escape from this. It makes me sad. I want her to be happy and feel like she is worth something. Is it stupid that I feel protective of my mom?
She has always defended me against my dad. I just wish I could return the favor.
I weighed myself last night and I was 158 lbs.
Then this morning I was 156.8 lbs.
It's disappointing but I am definitely motivated to do what it takes to get down in weight and fast. I want H to be able to see the difference.
I found some green tea pills for weight loss with reduced calorie intake. They have caffeine in the them and you have to take them with a meal. So I ended up making three half sandwiches with tomato and way too much cheese again. Hopefully it will give me the extra energy boost I need to fix this.
They were actually my mom's but I asked about them on Monday when I was looking for food coloring and sprinkles, and she said she got them a while ago and used some of them but didn't remember how many she used. So I took a packet of ten of those pills today and only took one pill, even though it suggested two in the evening. The reason for this is that I hate taking pills and these ones were monsters. They were like effing horse pills. I have trouble taking my birth control pills and they are tiny. It's leftover associations from all the times I tried to kill myself with pills when I was younger.
Anyways... I exercised on the bike at least 450 calories, until my kitty decided to play fearless and attack the exercise bike. She's just that funny/weird/entertaining/stupid take your pick, there's more.
Then I paced the hallways like I did way back then. When I get tired I just kind of go numb and keep going.
I walked the path outside today for a while, but I'm afraid to get on the bike until night time.
I am really just kind of bored today. I'm withdrawn into myself quite a bit but it feels safe and warm. It's too hot today and I can actually smell the spring in the air, and the smells remind me of when me and H first met and so I am not particularly enthusiastic about life today. I am thinking maybe I should just forget about college for now and get a job, but I don't know. The deadline for the financial aid is coming up soon and I probably won't get around to doing it today or tomorrow. I tried earlier but got discouraged when I found that the college didn't have the class I wanted to take, so I would have to go straight into a four year course for what I want to do, and I really don't think I am ready for that.
I think I just want to get a job and maybe do some volunteer work for a while until I am comfortable with working and schedules again, and then maybe consider college again. I am somewhat panicked to make a decision the closer the deadline gets though. It was always like that in school. The sooner the assignment due date was, the more I panicked and put it off. Which reinforces my thoughts of waiting to do school even more. If I find out half way through the class that I can't do it, then I will have to pay off all the money I spent from financial aid and I would be in debt. I am not willing to put myself in that position.
Besides that I know I have ADD and I am not going to put myself on any more mood disorder related drugs because I really do think they are bull.
Maybe there really are disorders like that but some of that is probably just the meds dept. trying to make more money off of people. Happy pills sounds a lot like love potions to me. Maybe they do really work, but then, wouldn't people benefit from learning to cope on their own? That's where the stem of the problem is.
In this day and age, too many people are trying to sell quick fixes for the world's problems, because that's what people will spend money on. Things that are too good to be true.
This whole Ana thing is something of a quick fix idea too. But at least people don't sell Ana for money and most people don't develop it on purpose.
Oh, I think I will become anorexic today. I will lose weight fast and look gorgeous even though it will fuck up my body. But oh well. Right?
People really do think that anorexia is just some girls going on crash diets because they want to be gorgeous. It's well known to be a disorder of the image, whereas people don't realize what it really is and where it stems from. Sure the front cover of Ana seems like it's about image, but deeper into the book, in the higher numbered pages, you get to realize it's really about something else.
Sorry if it seems like I am ranting or whatever here. My mom and sisters were talking about the girls at church who were dieting even though they were at perfectly healthy weights. I actually believe my mom has some of it in her and doesn't know it. Either that or she knows but is deluding herself.
They were saying that girls who diet when they look fine are stupid and shallow. They still will not listen to me when I say I have an eating disorder, so I can join in these conversations just fine as if I am not one of the girls they are talking about. It's actually funny.
I actually do think my mom has an eating disorder though. I don't know if I have ever talked about this before, but she has had ten kids now and is a size 14 jeans and weighs maybe 170-180 lbs. Also, there is this old dress of hers that my little sisters use as a play dress, and she wore it to the prom or something. It's tiny. It's ridiculously tiny. And the thing is, my mom is a tall woman. Figure that one out for yourself.
I think I have ranted enough lol. I don't remember half of the stuff I was even typing now...
I didn't even stick to my own plan. I suck.
I know I ate too much and exercised too little but I am exhausted.
I'm going to gain a lot when I weigh myself tomorrow. There's no "I think" about that one. I know.
I should have just stuck to my original plan and should have not eaten at all. I can already feel how much fatter I am and it's gross.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

So, the guy last night has been texting me all day with lots of lol's, and I don't think you need meds, and that would be cute if you did that...
He asked if I had a boyfriend so I know where this is going. The thing is, he's nice, but he's bigger and uglier than H. And I am only saying that out loud because this blog is anonymous and things like that kind of do matter.
I don't think I could ever really go out with someone who is extremely obese again, not just because it is unattractive but because usually it is a sign of something worse. Like, if they don't even put in an effort to keep up their health, how much energy would they really give to me? Usually overweight people are emotional eaters too. They eat to fill some kind of space that they are missing inside them. If they have emotional problems or control issues, or whatever else the reason might be for being grossly obese, I can't handle that right now. You know?
Also, I'm not sure if this friend has a letter yet because he is an important friend of mine... but I haven't seen him in a year or so due to his jealous girlfriend, who is actually now an ex. He was my brothers friend and he always liked me but I never really liked him back, but he was nice to me so we became great friends. He came by to see me for a few minutes today and we might be hanging out on Friday.
If we end up at the mall I might use some of the last bits of my money to buy myself some hair bleach. Being a brunette is ok but I really like my hair to be blond. Maybe it's because I like the color, or because I want to be able to express my feelings with my looks through color, but I would like to be blond again, and I might also put in some blue or hot pink streaks.
I always get off subject...lol.
I texted this friend later on and asked if I looked smaller than when he last saw me.
He said that I seem a bit taller, but definitely thinner. He used the last two words exactly.
Also he said he thinks my "breasts" have gotten bigger too. He's very honest when you ask him a question and with him it seems more calculated than said as a compliment. But then he said, "you looked pretty appealing actually."
It feels nice to have my body complimented. I have always had an hourglass figure, so I always have to look for large cup sizes with smaller waist lengths. So think maybe B or C with a 34 waist or around there. I haven't gone bra shopping for a long time though and I don't really have any that fit me. They are all too big...
I did eat today, but probably not as much as I need to to fix my metabolism. I am going to force myself to eat a little more so I might actually be able to up my metabolism a bit for when I exercise tonight, but I don't really want to and I'm afraid it will result in weight gain...

***What To Do When You Are Stuck***

What do you do when you are stuck? Get a fork lift. Lol just kidding bad joke sorry...

First of all, when you hit a plateau, it can last weeks, even months. That's scary and awful.
In order to fix that I am getting the idea that you need to mix things up. If you are eating the same amount of calories every day, switch it up and eat more one day, and then less the next. If you are using the exercise bike one day, like I have been, you need to go running the next, or any other kind of exercise.
That is one thing that will help.

Another thing, and I just remembered this- write down your calorie goal for the day. Divide this by a number more than five, and then make one number bigger than the others.
For example- 1000 calories a day (yes I know this is a lot)
1000 divided by 8 is 125, but lets make it seven meals, and the first one is 250
Trust me on this.
Generally the average person gets 8 or so hours of sleep. That leaves 16 hours of waking time.
So maybe every two or three hours you eat one of these meals.
When you wake up, eat the largest meal, and then continue on with this plan by eating about this many calories every few hours, but mix it with light exercise like walking in between.
If you do this for a few days, your weight won't sky rocket and your metabolism will be really good- that is until you lose weight for a while again. The eating every few hours tricks your body into thinking you are eating a lot, but since it won't be enough calories all at once it will convert it straight to energy instead of fat.
I would actually recommend eating 800 the first two or three days, 1000 the next few, and then bumping it up to 1200 or 1300 for five days and that should fix it a lot. If you end up gaining an immense amount of weight from this, you probably are not exercising enough.
If you try and just eat less and less, like I am somehow doing anyways because it's hard to get myself to eat, then you will stay stuck longer or even end up in a binge-purge cycle. It happened to me last year and it is awful to get out of and you can be stuck in it for months and just gain all the weight and more back. You do NOT want to do that.
I may just have to force myself to eat to get back on track.

Switching things up is the main thing I think. I'm going to go check to see if my tomatoes are ripe so I can eat a tomato sandwich...

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I went for my appointment and the lady said that I should make appointments for several things and have them settled before I get ADD testing or meds. So basically, unless I go back on antidepressants or get on mood stabilizers, I can't get the main fucking problem fixed.
Also, I found out H's minutes expired today. I will be seeing him on Monday though- hopefully nothing will go wrong and get in my way.
On a brighter note, Y and F came through today and we looked at apartments and picked one. They already put the down payment down and if they are approved we move in on the second of May. I get the master bedroom with it's own vanity, walk in closet, and my own bathroom. No one is allowed to pass my door. It's really nice looking. Now I am just extremely worried about school. What am I going to do???
Back to the darker side, even after all of that hard work and exercise I gained .2 lbs. Bummer. Major bummer.
All I ate today was some curly and straight fries, three onion rings, both dipped in ketchup and some root beer. I am probably about to go make something in the kitchen anyways, knowing myself, but I can't stay the same weight forever. My metabolism may go bad but eventually it won't hold against my body's need for nutrition and I will lose again.
I met another nice guy today. He's bigger, and it seemed like he was picking on me at first, but later on he developed a crush on me and put his number in my phone and mine in his. Then there was the usual flirty poking because I startle so easily. He couldn't keep his eyes off of me, and a few others there could not either. I was at some kind of unofficial game tournament type thing with Y and F. That was nice attention I guess. But I am still not small enough.
Right now my body is taking nutrients from my muscles and turning them into fat. It's in survival mode. But I think I can actually see the difference in me. I may not get the number on the scale I want, but parts of me are slimming down somehow. I am either imagining it, or if I'm not, I am liking it.
Good luck ladies. I will probably make a few prettier posts later on for you all. :)
I don't know what came over me. I was at least somewhat satisfied with the 850 total calories I burned, and then I just burned another 150, making it the 1000 I promised earlier. It wasn't even like I had to, like I said, this much more, now come on, get on the bike. I wanted to. So I did. Somehow it's still not enough though...
I would be exhausted and panic if I let myself sleep knowing that I don't have the time to get enough hours in. My appointment is at 9 in the morning. Then maybe later on I will visit with Branden, but I'm not sure. I don't know if he will even have money for my phone. My unlimited minutes expires the 16th I believe. There will not be another chance for a refill. But who do I text anyways? Honestly?
H is no longer a recipient of my friendly words. Friday was nice, but since then I have really kind of forgotten about him. I don't have the energy for whatever that is anymore. If he texts me, fine. If not, I will probably contact him after a week or two and schedule another hang out because I am that stupid and desperate.
I don't think I even want him anymore. I want some fairy tale thing I made up in my mind with him as my subject a long time ago. It was a delusion that I nursed. I want to be wanted, and frankly I might be too desperate to care who fills that role. That's my honest opinion. Love is only love if you convince yourself it is, right?
It can be love until they are gone or someone else comes along. It seems to be temporary. It seems to go door to door. It seems to be cheep to me.
I don't want it right now.
I know this is just tired me talking, but I don't want to do today. I want to curl up in my bed and sleep and sleep and sleep. I don't want to get diagnosed for ADD. I don't want meds for depression or anxiety. I don't want to be helped. I don't want to live life. I don't want to work hard, or at all really. I don't want to go to school. I don't want anything but solitude and to be left alone.
I know that is all unreasonable, but I don't see how I will ever find the strength to be able to do any one of these even by itself. Then my life will just be an endless drawing of energy to survive. I don't want to live like that. I might as well be on the streets looking for each meal as it comes. It would be the same or maybe even better.
Fuck mentally healthy. Mentally healthy is for people with sticks up their asses.