Saturday, March 31, 2012

Thank you Miss Mad.


I tend to find that when I really make myself face death I can't do it. Then it forces me to figure out what I need to do with my life to become healthy. Besides that I got frustrated because the blade was put down so even if I turned it on I wouldn't be able to get to it. I didn't take the time to figure out how to put it back up...
H won't meet with me on Sunday. So I really am stuck here until Tuesday.
I haven't been able to get a hold of my parents. I talked to my brother and he said he'd go over and talk to them and tell them I'm trying to get a hold of them. I just want to talk to my mommy and be comforted. I don't care how childish that is. No matter how old a person grows they are always going to need their mother.
The problem is, he said that quite a while ago and my phone is still silent...
I'm going to go out into the garage and see how far I get.
R has been saying cruel things about me. To think I loved him to, albeit in a different way.
He told his new love interest, J, that I am doing a lot of things that I'm not.
Upon mention of me J said on Facebook, "That bitch can go to hell."
I became friends with him for a few minutes to talk things out privately.
R told him I was manipulative and selfish. That I didn't care who I hurt so long as I got my way. They said I need to get over H. they said I was pathetic and needy.
R told J that I had stolen a key from his dad and that I broke into his house and took some kind of weapon to a ton of stuff and destroyed it. He said he had to take H's cat to the vet because there were pieces of things in him. I told J I would never do something like that and he didn't believe me. He said he might be able to believe me when I was mentally stable and my meds were working. So now R has him under the impression that I am a psycho and I'm on meds for it. It's horrible.
To think I practically worshiped R. He was like a big brother to me.
H is tired of me. He doesn't want anything to have to do with me and I am being horrible today. I know I texted him too much, or called him too much or something. I get clingy when I am lonely. There is no one but me in this big old house. I am alone and I am lonely. I am tired of everyone saying I am manipulative and that I am psychotic and that I hurt everyone.
My life is going to hell. I just want to go into the garage and turn on the saw table...
Why does everyone treat me this way? Is it because I am what they say I am?
Am I really that awful person they make me out to be?
Maybe I am that beast. I hurt everyone around me. I am nothing but a machine of destruction. Perhaps I will die when I have destroyed everything in my path.

Friday, March 30, 2012

There is no such thing as easy. There is no such thing as the perfect guy. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. There is no such thing as fairy tales. In light of that, I feel that my expectations for the world are too high.
Is it really too much to ask for a good day? A day where everything seems bright and things don't go wrong? Is it too much to ask for a happy relationship? Is it too much to ask for happiness? What is wrong with the world today that everything is dark and my days are filled with trying with all my might to not break down.
I'm starting to doubt there is such a thing as love. I think it is a myth created to tear mankind to pieces. It is the treasure that is never found, the legend that is never proven, the dream of which all mankind hope for, but can never be reached. It is idolized, made fun of in movies that boast that it is true, when it isn't.
People do not always get along. It is a wave. Happy one day, sad the next. It is a pattern of fighting, making up, and then fighting again. There is no time in which the pattern comes to a stop. There is no pause in the ever tiring roller coaster of ups and downs.
Love is the most reckless of emotions, one built in every kind of living thing. Perhaps it started as a way to help our species mate and repopulate, but whatever the beginnings, it is considered one of the worlds most powerful things. Perhaps because it is invisible.
My own relationship with love is a hateful one. I cannot but dream of it for hating it more.
I just want to escape from my emotions. Whoever made me made mine overwhelming. I must have been one of the test models, because I don't work as well as the newer models.
Sigh... lol plans never work like they are supposed to around here. Oh well, no harm done. i am still the same weight I was the day before yesterday and yesterday I didn't weigh.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

This is actually my 101st post. Maybe I will go watch me the 101 Dalmatians movie. One of my favorites.
Anyways... My folks are gone and so the house is all mine. I counted every calorie I ate today. I'm not pleased but I have a plan. I'm cooking me up a pizza because I'm hungry, and I know if I'm not super careful I will eat it all. It isn't a big pizza, just a little one, which makes it easier to justify and I don't want to get into that.
The entire pizza is about 740 calories, which is why I'm glad my mom didn't get me big ones. But there is five, one for each day they'll be gone.
My plan is to cut the pizza into several pieces so I can tell vaguely how many calories I am consuming in one bite. Then I will set it down next to the bike downstairs with a glass of water. The best thing about that bike is it counts how many calories you are burning, and even if it's not accurate, it's certainly something to go by.
I will be exercising the calories off as I consume them, and my stomach will feel full faster because of the time between bites and the fact I am going to be drinking lots of water to fill me up faster.
Hopefully I will be full before I even get half way through and then I will be able to put the rest away in the fridge. Idk after that though...
I just dread carrying the TV all the way back down stairs. It will only take me a few minutes but I just hit an enormous energy low and I sat there watching the oven preheat while sitting on the floor. I'm still not certain where the random energy lows come from.
Anyways, good luck all you.
And thanks Miss Mad. Me motivating you, motivates me lol.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

***Venus***

My name.
Venus is a planet. It is the brightest thing you can see in the night sky besides the moon. It is bright, and close, but oh so far away. It is fiery and hot. The planet Venus may be the first image that comes into mind when you hear my name.


The symbol for Venus is a commonly used symbol most commonly knows as girl.


It is used everywhere.
You see it on bathroom signs, online, in games to differentiate between male and female and is a universal symbol for the female sex. It is also used to represent the chemical element copper.

Then there is my favorite.
Venus, goddess of love. There is no more powerful thing in this world as love. That isn't just a thing of fairy tales. Love makes a person whole. Without it, a person can wither away to nothing. Those who have never felt love cannot understand any less than those who have felt it many a time. It can be sweet or cruel, but of the many things it cannot be, it is a thing.
Venus is her roman name, but she is also known in greek mythology as aphrodite.



I am very fond of my name to say the least. It is too bad it isn't mine.
I am sitting here in a size 8. This is where I'm like WTF?!
I have been maintaining my weight for a while. I'm in that part of the cycle where I've lost a good amount all at once but suddenly it's hard to keep it there. You know the cycle. High motivation or something happens to trigger and you lose a good amount. Happy days until you realize it's not going down and one day you gain a pound and suddenly it's panic. Then your weight up and downs for quite a while and then you either gain it back or shut your eyes and maintain for a bit and without you realizing it, you fix your metabolism. This is the stage where you are like, well, I think maybe I should rest for a bit and let it go. You think about recovery, tell yourself "I can do it". It's about time I let myself be healthy. Maybe three days into that something happens like you see your nemesis who is skinnier than you or some tragedy happens, and the numbers on the scale rocket down. You are happy but somewhere you are just too hurt or upset to care too much, but you try. Then you finally find your enthusiasm and the cycle is in place.
Round and round and round you go... where the scale stops, nobody knows.
I am also at the point where I will forget to eat breakfast because I'm too tired. My stomach will growl all day and I won't even notice, because hungry for me is when I'm upset or really excited about something. And then my body takes over and suddenly foods I have always hated look really tasty. Everything looks tasty. The food starts calling to me, and I rationalize, maybe just one. One can't hurt. But once you taste it you must have another and another and another, and you are taking small pieces at first because if you add more it must only be the, "just a little more" being put into your mouth.
Perhaps if I take it in small bites my body will think I'm not eating very much so it will look over the calories. I lie to myself, saying it tastes so good. I rationalize that I can start over tomorrow, but of course, the same thing happens. It sucks.
If I have a specific craving, like chocolate for instance, and there is none in the house, I think I'm hungry and I go and eat something to fill the craving. But nothing quite replaces the chocolate so I find myself eating everything else I can find. I can't even taste it. My mouth dries out, my stomach is fit to burst which feels awful, and then someone tells me they are at a fast food place and tell me everything they are having. It hurts.
Gah. Screw hunger.
I am planning something nice for myself since my family will be gone for five or so days. There will be no one in the house to make noise and stress me out. I can exercise as much as I want without anyone saying anything. The problem is, and always will be my self control. I feel like I have none. My mom left me sweets and pizzas and sweet potato fries... Lots of stuff to keep me from going hungry. I'm afraid I will binge it all in one go. Luckily the pizzas and fries will take some energy to make up and I can be pretty lazy.
I don't even like pizza after R. He eats so much pizza you would die. He orders a pizza, a drink, and something else like bread sticks and eats it all in one go. The sweet potato fries are pretty good sometimes. But generally if I am eating like a normal person, most food gets me to a point of near disgust.
Back to the point. My mom found some jeans stored away in some boxes somewhere and my sister went through it. They were jeans from when I was in middle school and stuff. Two pairs fit nicely. The one I am wearing right now is a size 8. The rest? Motivation. These jeans may be labelled wrong, but I'm going to get myself down to a regular size 8. Any size 8 jeans should be able to fit me then. And after that? Size zero. I am reaching for the stars so that I can use them as handholds to reach the heavens. Just watch me. :)
I have got to be the moodiest person ever.
I was bored the other night and I was looking up how to get your ex back. Stupidest thing ever...
I'll see him eventually. If I try and be happy and get my joy from other things, make myself the center of things instead of him, I will get better. And then he will see what he could have- if he worked for it lol.
I'm doing ok today. No trip but I will be fine.
H said he was going to buy me more fish when he got back so I want that bad enough to hold onto him as a friend a little longer. I love my fish but there are only four of each- zebra danios and neon tetras, and to be happy they are supposed to be in groups of at least six. Some of them died so it's no longer as big a school for either as could be. Danios can actually get violent with each other the less there are, so it's kind of important. Also I saw some gorgeous gouramis at the store today. Ones like I got the very first time, and I want some of those. I don't associate them with H as much anymore because they have their own personalities I guess. It's like associating my sister with him because they met before. It doesn't really affect me.
I just want me some fishies. No lies there.
Hopefully with my family leaving here as they go on vacation I will be alright. my mom got me food and snacks for then, bless her soul.
I might have even gone to see my brother but right now I am disliking him. My dad outlawed the movie Auqamarine which my sisters love. It's a pg movie, good for girls their age, and he said they couldn't watch it because the mermaid wears inappropriate clothing. He thought they would watch it too many times and decide to wear it themselves. Just to clarify, my sisters are not allowed to wear anything that goes above the knees like shorts or skirts that are short. They have to wear sleeves and the front can't go very far down even if you don't have boobs yet. They are not allowed to wear two pieces. Also crude sayings on shirts and peace symbols are generally not allowed. Some of that is my dad making his own interpretation of the religion and some of it is because they are mormon.
I think it's bull.
Anyways, I was telling my brother how stupid it was over the phone, and sarcastically commented that maybe he should outlaw Disney's little mermaid too. He agreed. I promptly hung up.
The religion is outdated for one...
My dad also at some point nearly outlawed Harry Potter books because it had magic in it and my mom put her foot down there. His own mother was the one who bought the books for my older brothers for Christ's sake.
Anyways, I don't want to associate with that brother much anymore. He used to be my fun sibling who encouraged me to sneak into the living room at night and watch movies under a blanket. Now he's just... sigh. It sickens me.
I encourage my own sisters to wear whatever they want in play and watch pg13 movies and use their imaginations. I agree sometimes it is not okay for girls to wear suggestive clothing especially around a guy, but my dad takes it too far. Seeing it in a movie is not porn, and it is not turning anyone on, and my dad is fucking ridiculous.
I'm legally an adult so I break several rules and because I made it very clear to them that I would not be tolerant if they tried shoving their religion down my throat again, I get away with it. I cuss in the house sometimes, and around my sisters. It can be healthy for such strict Mormons. I'm smart enough to know I can set as bad of an example as I wish and they will continue on being goody two shoes anyways. I wear a tank top in my room. Tanks are not allowed at all. I think maybe I will drive one onto the house and see what they say then haha...
I drink coca cola. They don't drink caffeine.
I watch pg13 and R movies. I play games with scantily clad women. I draw whatever the hell I want. These people are really not as good as people make mormons out to be. They are not and never will be perfect. People look in and see something that doesn't exist lol. The world is sooo fucked up.

Monday, March 26, 2012

***BTW***

By the way girls I promise I will read all your posts that I haven't read yet when I get back. Love you both <3

***Update***

So I have been having an extremely hard time lately. I have been cryng for days now and I realized I can't handle H hurting me any longer. Things seem really dark right now, and I'm even having a hard time not texting him. He hasn't seen me since Monday and he just decided he doesn't think he loves me or has feelings for me anymore. Even if he found that to not be true and found something for me by seeing me again I want it to be over. I cannot handle him hurting me this much.
But it's hard however much I want to be able to get over him, and want myself to have the strength to go on without him, I'm just not finding it. He was my connection to the world, to all things healthy.
I had dreams for him and even lost my virginity to him which I have regretted for a very long time but I'm not sure he knows about it. I am just wearing him down again and things need to end. I don't want to explain anything, I am trying not to break down again even now.
He calls me stupid for wanting to give up and kill myself but he does not understand my pain. He isn't the only thing making me feel suicidal, he is merely the last straw.
Last night I called him and cried and had a panic attack over the phone. I told him I was going crazy and all I wanted was to see him that one last time. He just hates that I wanted it to be this week because I wasn't sure how long I could last.
I hate what he has done to me and what he still is doing to me.
When I called last night I was next to the road and then I went and threw rocks into the river. I was so close to ending it right there. I had to come into the house to escape being alone and my mom came out into the living room and slept in her chair while I slept on the couch so I wouldn't be alone.
I'm going to a guy friend's house tonight. If things seem ideal with another of my friends, I may make a trip across the country starting tomorrow and ending the fourth. We come back that day. I just have to make sure he has the money to back up his offer and stuff. I want to do something where I am not left alone at home with my own thoughts. I'm terrified to do it but I need to escape from myself. We'll see if I actually do it.
I just want to end things. I want to go into the garage when no one is here and turn on the saw table and just slam my wrists down on it. I am so close to doing just that. If I can time it right there won't even be anyone to save me until after I bleed out.
We'll see what happens...


Thank you by the way miss mad. It feels good to know I'm not forgotten.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

***Stupid***

We all do stupid things, we'll leave it at that.
I told myself if I lived through that I would clean myself up and take it as a sign that I am meant to live and here I am. I've been really sick, but I'm still here.
I am going to stop all those other habits but allow myself one outlet and here it is.
On the bright side, I am 158.4 lbs.
I think I'm going to take a walk in the rain...

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

***Sigh...***

Even though I got my permit I am not having a good day. H is being a dick. He says he is tired of me texting so much.
Well sorry I am not super overly popular like you H, and have a lot of dick friends to text instead. My bad for having a terrible life and trying to reach out to save myself from going lulu. Sorry for not being effing perfect.
I told him I threw up all those pills but I didn't. I wouldn't mind if they worked but they probably won't.
Just not a good day I guess...
I am tired of everyone not being "strong enough" or "have the energy anymore" because of me. It's bull.
Over and out...x.x

***Wish Me Luck***

If I can get myself up in the morning I will be greatly rewarded haha.
I have bus directions to the licensing place and everything.
Also, a friend is giving me fifty bucks for unlimited minutes again and he also has an extra xbox to give me. Yay!
If I can pass the test and get my learners permit- it will be the first thing I have ever achieved... Actually, I guess I have to give myself credit for the GED... But anyways, overcoming my fears is huge for me, and getting a learners permit is going to be huge.
Good day with H today. He is very supportive but he's still stupid lol- fact not fiction- and I am just waiting for him to slip up and not be perfect.
Wish me luck.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

54

Today has been difficult.
The little cat was attacking the big one and she's all bloody and so I decided to give her up. I told my family she's theirs. It has to be that way. I have to let her go. They will never get along if I move out into a small apartment. She likes going outside too much and has coping issues and anxiety issues, which is awful if you are a cat. But I am still crying about it. When I was in high school and shut myself in for days and had awful days of bullying then she always seemed like a human friend to me. I have talked for so long of how, if nothing else works I will at least have my cat, and now that is out. She was my comfort in the hardest times of my life, and ever since I got her I have considered her my most precious thing. It's really hard to let her go.
It is aggravated by all the other stuff that is going on right now. H is my anchor, but he's... he's like trying to grab a piece of wind. It is comforting to have him at times, but it's more like he's the lesser of two evils. I still have nightmares however lame that is about going to the mental hospital because he wanted me to before we broke up. He later admitted he was wrong. I also dream of him leaving me behind and wanting nothing to do with me. It still terrifies me that he just did that out of no where.
It's just hard to undo that giant mistake. Things have been rocky for a very long time for us and I don't see why it should get better now.
I am glad that I don't live with him or them anymore but I still resent that he is happier now that he can see his friends and play games all he wants and basically have his view of "freedom" back. He saw me as a ball and chain, when really he was not listening to what I wanted, which was generally very simple through and through. Men like to complicate the idea of women. They are the stupid unreasonable ones. There is my sexist comment of the day...
I don't know what I weight this morning and I will not weight myself. I never do unless I have just woken up and not eaten yet, and I didn't sleep at all last night. It wasn't like I tossed and turned all night kind of not sleeping. It was like I stayed up all night spraying the cats with vinegar water to get them off of each other. Two of my blankets have cat pee on them because the bigger cat was too scared to move to the cat litter. Also, my room and everything in it smells like vinegar now.
I get delirious when I am tired, thus my panic attack when H said his unlimited minutes ran out today and his phone would be turned on. It's like going to jail and getting a day out to do whatever you want with the knowledge that once you are back in, you won't be out for another twenty years.
Luckily one of his many friends bought him a phone card.
No matter what though, I am never going to feel like a whole person. There is always something wrong with me. I should not have to feel the way I feel. I was also thinking that even if H was supportive I should just... well, I realized my med could could me if I OD-ed. Especially if I told the doctor I went off it for a bit and then went back on it and it was working so I wanted more. I would be able to get another bottle or two of it and save them up for if and/or when...
But that right there is why I should sleep. The problem is, I am babysitting my littlest sister who is a monster- nearly literally- because my mom thinks she is sick and should stay home from church. There goes my few hours of alone time for the week. At least she can't read yet... Any kid who is this hyper and destructive should just go to church and wreak havoc there. I would not call it sick anyways.
Now I have no clue what I even talked about in the post. I am that tired... At least when I am tired I hardly eat at all. It's hard to have an emotional appetite when you are trying to keep yourself awake. That's the only kind of appetite I really have. When my stomach is growling I just assume it's upset because I have a hard time telling the difference. I think I will watch me some more movies and bike. I can relax on my butt while burning calories. It almost seems like cheating...
Also I would like to make a comment about my newest and second follower- Yay!!!!! New follower!!! I get ridiculously happy about stuff like that. >.<
Thank you for the comment. It is so comforting to have you on my team Penny, or would you prefer miss Lane? Anyways it was wonderful hearing from you. :) You actually made me laugh out loud.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

***MY CAT***

I AM WRITING IN CAPS BECAUSE OF HOW FUCKING PISSED I AM. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE TOUCH MY STUFF MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE.


MY SISTER CAME IN WITH ONE OF MY CATS ON A LEASH, THE CAT I HAVE HAD AND LOVED FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND HOWEVER FUNNY THIS SOUNDS CONFIDED IN WHEN I NEEDED A FRIEND. I TOLD THEM SHE'S MY CAT AND I DON'T WANT YOU TAKING HER ON WALKS. MY MOM OVERRODE IT BY SAYING I DON'T TAKE CARE OF HER THAT MUCH ANYMORE SO SHE ISN'T REALLY MY CAT ANYMORE. AND NOW MY SISTERS ARE TELLING MY MOM HOW MY CAT WAS ON THE WALK AND HOW CUTE SHE IS. I WANT TO STRANGLE SOMEBODY.


MY ONE BITCH SISTER SAID, WELL SHE'S ON MY LEASH SO WHO CARES.
I AM GOING TO BE ANGRY ALL DAY NOW...

53

So... yesterday went pretty well considering.
First of all I woke up and I was 160.8 lbs. To see that zero in the middle got me excited because it means I am close to passing that line into the 150's.
Today I am actually 160.4. It's a small loss but still a loss nevertheless and I am hoping to pass that line very soon as in maybe tomorrow. I am sooo close.
Also, I went over to R's actually because that's where H was, and H was super sweet and cuddly and kept asking why I was so quiet.
(Living in hell for a while has put me back in a very isolated state of mind, so when I actually do go out in the real world it feels unreal like a fairy tale and I get confused and don't know what to say or do. Very weird I know. Also I was on a strange energy low all day that kept me silent and made it difficult to speak. I have no clue what that is.)
Anyways... he was very kind and very loving and it was great. Same when we got back to his dad's. We were alone for a while so... ;) and then he was still loving afterwards... Later on, things went bad though.
H is a gamer. he loves his games, his gaming systems, his gaming magazine- yes he's pathetic I know- to the point where he goes into literal withdrawal without them.
His psp broke AGAIN. And he threw a giant tantrum and was cussing loudly and violently kicking things and throwing things.
Right before this fit I made a joke at him and he got really angry and said he wasn't in the mood, and then his tantrum started. I thought it was me. I went in the bedroom and sat and the floor and was just paralyzed. I get really really scared when people are angry and I shut down. I sat there for I don't know how long watching him text his friends and getting paranoid out of my mind.
Last time his psp broke he took it out on me. Not physically, but I remember him telling me how awful he thought his life was and how nothing ever works out for him and how he can never have anything good. I remember him saying he didn't know whether we were going to work out or not, telling me I was too clingy and needy and things like that.
All I could think of was, am I just another of his things that isn't good? Like, he can never have anything that's good, what does that make me?
And then yesterday, I was sure in my head that he was telling his friends that he didn't want to be with me anymore and that he was going to break up with me, and instead of dealing with the actual thing that was bugging him he would take it out on me.
I was terrified to move. I literally couldn't. I wanted to just leave but my parents weren't going to come until hours later to pick me up and I had groceries that I didn't want to leave behind. I didn't want to call my mom either because she would have thrown a fit and made things worse.
So eventually H came in and laid down on the bed. I tried to talk a little bit, asking if it was really something worth stressing this much over and he didn't respond angrily so I came and got on the bed and sat next to him. Then I realized he was covering  his eyes and I turned off the light. He said he wasn't going to eat dinner in a very upset tone and I just gave up and broke down.
After a minute or two he got up to go do something and then he came back in a turned on the light. He asked me kindly what I was doing and kept asking as he got closer and tried looking at my face and I wouldn't let him.
"I get scared when people are angry," I whispered. He moved away and I heard him shuffling away and then he put one of his puddings he wanted to try in front of me and one in front of himself and tipped my chin up and wiped away my tears with his fingers. Then he hugged me and apologized for upsetting me. I told him it wasn't his fault.
He was still very comforting and supportive towards the end of the day, and when I left he could see how stressed out I was and pulled me in for another hug.
"H I love you, even if you won't say it back," I said, and then I turned to leave and he grabbed me back and pulled me in again to his chest and whispered in my ear, "I love you too."
It was a pretty good day considering- with H.
Then it went downhill from there.
I got in the car with my parents and asked straight out, "If I get my license, can I have the car?"
They both said no. They both said it was too much money to license the car, insure it, and then get it fixed. Money that they were not willing to use on me. My eldest brother used that car for years. I guess I don't get any special privileges because I don't have aspergers. I don't go to church or college so I don't have any right to anything.
I don't know how I am going to get out now. It takes money to make money and I don't have any. I am trapped in this hell hole.
After telling me that, my dad asks if I have gone to donate plasma and I tell him I don't want to talk.
Then he says, "well, you cleaned out the dog poop in the garage, that's a start," and my mom hands me a twenty.
He believes I have no work ethic and that I am lazy and other things, because I refuse to do work in the house. He doesn't know me, nor will he ever know me because the way he treats me has not and will not change. I will always be that same rebellious girl in his mind, that same monster that my mom has made me out to be.
Maybe my mom should get a job. She calls my dad's money her money. She hasn't had a job since she was 19. Maybe she should see how things really work in the world. Maybe she should try and get a job without a degree or prior experience. maybe she should go donate plasma. But of course, she doesn't need to and she "works" in the house, raising this family (badly) and cleaning and doing laundry (which she is so busy with apperently that she can't afford to spend hours and hours on her computer doing social networking. I call bull.).
My dad defends her all the way. "Your mother works hard and you makes things awful for her. She has been so unhappy these past few years because of you. Why don't you try and help her around the house and do some work for once?"
"The best way to help your sisters is by setting a good example and going to church."


I am so sick of the way I am treated here. H says when I come over on Monday, we will make it a point to find me a job. Even though I know it is still nearly impossible to find a job, him helping me makes me feel less helpless and hopeless. It's feels nice to be loved even if it is just one person who loves me...

Thursday, March 8, 2012

52

H: Yes my dad has to drive R to the valley at noon. So if you wanna come over meet me here ok? I'd like to see you.


I call this progress. :)
Just to warn you though, I fix all the punctuation and spelling errors because that's just how ocd I am.

51

Thank you miss mad. Hope you don't mind me shortening your name...
It feels nice to know you aren't like that. My brother keeps telling me my only way out of this place is by fixing my relationship with God and praying a lot and going to church. I would have more luck with an imaginary friend right now frankly...


One of my younger sisters who is in high school right now is going to lend me enough money to get my learners permit and license. that car is my only chance right now.


On a brighter note, I got off my butt last night and watched me some Disney- Little Mermaid 2- and the entire time I was watching it I was on that exersize bicycle. Since I have been eating a good amount the last few days my metabolism wasn't bad, so I lost weight. Yay!!!
Weighed myself this morning at 161.2 lbs. That is progress.
I am going to get my learners permit sometimes next week, and tomorrow I am going to see H.


I told him all I really REALLY wanted from him right now was for him to say I love you back when I said it and told him sometimes I need to feel wanted, especially because of how things are. I want to be remembered every once in a while you know? I was afraid he was going to cut it off right then and there because he admitted he had a hard time saying I love you even though he did and I told him it was something I needed.
But he startled me by saying he'd work on it and he has been friendly lately so... We'll see... again... neh.


I haven't seen Disney movies in so long. It feels nice to revert to my childhood every once in a while. I was nearly crying lol I felt stupid.

50

I got two comments today and I only published one. I can handle "God bless you" but whoever posted the one about turning to God- FUCK OFF.
I think it was my brother actually.
If I ever go back to any kind of religion it will be on a my own terms, when I'm ready.
If it was my brother, I want you to know I am very disappointed in you.
If you ever read my blog again I will disown you for good.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

***Paralyzed***

I am paralyzed. Paralyzed by life, by fear, by emptiness.
I am facing nothing. There is nothing in my future. There is no ray of hope or sunlight. There is nothing for me.
I can't go anywhere because I have nowhere to go. I can't do anything because there is nothing for me to do. I have no job, no income. I can't get a job. I have no home. What I am living in is merely a house.
I have no one.
No one will call me today because they miss me. No one will text just to say I love you. No one will come and see me. I have seen no one except for my own family for a week now. My family keeps telling me they don't want me here. Not just my mom, but my sisters too.
I want to leave, but I'm not sure I can. It's too easy now to lie back and let the darkness take me. I don't have to eat. I don't have to talk. I don't have to smile. My day consists of waking up and going back to sleep.
I have been self harming a lot lately because there is nothing else to do. I'm afraid, but there is no comfort.
I look into my future and see nothing. There is nothing there. I can't go anywhere or do anything.
It's safe in the darkness though. The farther in I go, the quieter it gets. No one can reach me there. I am losing myself. I am lost. I am screaming inside my head, but make no sound out loud. I am dying on the inside, but until I die on the outside, there can be no end. I am begging for the end right now.
I don't want to live anymore. There is nothing to live for, and no one to miss me when I'm gone. I have no future.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

***Conversation With Myself Apparently...***

ME: H I need to talk to you.


H: About?


ME: Not through text.
Please call me when you are in a good place to talk.


H: Can it wait until my head isn't exploding


ME: I can't be with you.
Now may not be a good time for you but last time when you brutally broke up with me it was worse and at least I am willing to talk before destroying what we have.
I don't want this to end because on or both of us is angry or upset. I want to talk like two rational adults. Tell me now if you are willing to listen and talk and I will just do it through text if you like.


H: So what is wrong exactly?


ME: I don't want to push you away by asking too much but what I would like is something to do with us being two people who care for each other as people not as a couple. I would very much appreciate and be grateful if you would tell me you care. I feel so distanced from you, maybe because I am always asking and you are always giving and I want the chance to give. Even if you could just tell me how you are feeling lately and ask for a hug. i know you are very stressed sometimes but you shut yourself away. I don't want to forever feel like there are walls between us because for some reason we cannot be open and honest with each other.
You feel so much tension around me sometimes and push me away and I feel foreign. I loved you more than ever when you were open enough with me to cry.


H: But I don't need anything. And right now its hard to concentrate cause it feels like someone is wrenching the back of my skull.


ME: I understand I just... I guess I don't feel needed anymore or wanted. Go to bed and think on it but please can we not let what little we have together grow out of hand? I want to be aware of what is happening with us, not be quiet in fear to set something off. I will talk more and explain face to face next time I see you. All I really wanted to know is if your love for me was worth enough to you to keep us going. I would like things but I can wait so long as you think what we have is worth something.


I called him to tell him I was just making sure he was okay. He sounded slightly pleased but I'm not sure. I told him I loved him and waited for him to repeat it back and all I got was good night. Yes I am ashamed of myself. Yes I feel pathetic and stupid.


ME: I hope you realize it hurts when you can't say I love you. Please get better I'm worried.

***Give Me Hope***

This is a picture of my wrist after I cut it open trying to kill myself.
I must really have wanted attention for it to be that deep, right?


These are real pictures. I am not taking them off the internet as an example. This is the real thing. This is what pain looks like. This is what it feels like to care about more than what she said he said and what I'm going to wear tomorrow. People call this emo. They say people who hurt themselves just want attention and tell them to go kill themselves. There are sites made purely to make fun of the world's view of emo. Apparently I wear a lot of black and write bad poetry and cry every night.

This is right after the nurse cleaned it out, right before I got twelve stitches.

I have been bullied in school before. I was called emo, attention whore, and other things. They just made me withdraw to a point where I could not ask for help. I was too afraid to. I was afraid people would see my cuts. I was afraid of being hurt emotionally. I wish I had been beaten. It would be easier to live with than this. Verbal abuse hurts worse. My mom can hit me and my brother can strangle me, but as long as I mean something to somebody I feel life is worth living. Being told you are worthless means more than a bruise.
It means that every bruise is irrelevant. The pain goes away. Bruises heal. Cuts heal. But I will never heal on the inside by just letting my body do it's job. I may never heal at all.

This is after I took my own stitches out.

I fight so hard. I fight the pain every day, like all the world's pains are on my shoulders, on my head, in my heart. I was watching the news and the images of destruction the tornado's caused made me start crying. The people were devastated. There was a baby found in a field that died that morning. I can't listen to music without feeling fear. My heart beats too hard to hold together. All of the shattered pieces fall and break to dust but I sweep it back up and glue it back on. For some reason my heart stops and my brain screams no more and yet I am still alive.

First time cutting after my vacation in the mental ward. My knife was dull so I used scissors.

I want to help other people like me, and there are many. But how do I help someone else out of the same pit I'm still in? I'm self harming again. H isn't there to care and no one notices because there is no one to notice. I am disappearing. I am becoming a ghost. I am sinking, but the problem is, I can't find the bottom. There is no end to this. I need people to understand what it's like to have problems. Problems that involve lives, and people. I'm not a character in your favorite novel or TV drama, I am real. At the end of the day there is no happy resolution. There is no sigh of relief, there is no reassurance that even though things are tough there is a guaranteed happy ending. Either that or the series gets discontinued. I can't be discontinued.
And I refuse to discontinue myself.


How many people do you pass by every day and not notice? How many people go unnoticed because someone else didn't take the time to give them a second glance? How many people have already successfully disappeared in plain sight? They could be sitting right next to you. Why wait to make friends until you are pushed into a situation where you must get to know someone? What if you were that person who never got noticed? That's okay, their lives are more important than saying hello to me anyways.
Please don't lie to yourself.



How else do people make friends? How many of your friends are people you met at school or work and you didn't have to make an effort to meet them? What if everyone in the world found out if they smiled, just smiled at someone across the way, they could save a life? What if something so small and simple could make that big of a difference? What if it can?


If this somehow makes you feel anything, please help me. Help me to save people, and then maybe I can hope to be saved myself someday. Give me hope.

Monday, March 5, 2012

***For Everyone***

I feel like making a happy post for once. This is for everyone :)



Some thinspo for you


Something to dance to lol


something to make you smile

I find that the happier I am the less I eat. When I am happy I lose a lot of weight rapidly. So maybe a happy song will make me eat less...? It's worth a try and a smile is always good for you.  :)

49

I HAVE A FOLLOWER!!!!! YAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!
I'm so happy I want to sing. I guess I should stop eating... after these sweet potato fries...
Oh the radio just mysteriously turned itself on to a country song... Screw H maybe I want me a cowboy >.<


Somehow I ended up texting H back anyways... he's nice but yet... he's a guy. Is there any other way to say it than that? I told him I just want to be remembered. I told him I feel like I am disappearing, like no one cares enough about me to take a minute and say hi.
Why does word check say texting isn't a real word?!
It's totally a real word...
An old friend who used to do the sleepovers with K and me when I was younger wants to take me out to lunch and talk sometime soon.
I haven't seen her for years when she was my age and now she has kids and a hubby. Or maybe just one kid... crap that makes me feel bad. I think she only has one because she miscarried. K was happy about that. For being this girl's friend she sure treats her like crap.
Anyways... gonna try and get my little sisters to eat some of my fries...


And I just found out I'm selfless and it blows my mind. >.<

48

161.8 lbs. Not tooooo much damage done...
I need to try harder or I'll be a fat fuck forever.
H messaged this morning around nine with his usual casual "hey how's it going" and I didn't answer. I don't plan to answer. Twenty four hours is a long time to forget about someone you really love, and especially when they are having a hard time and you know it. I'm going to wait and see what happens but I am tired of being taken for granted and it's about time he worked a little bit for me instead of the other way around. Let's see if he really cares like he said he did.
I am withdrawing really bad.
I think he thought I was coming over today so maybe something will happen when he realizes I'm not coming.


Also, thank you for leaving the comment miss mad :)
Feels nice to know that somebody cares and to hear reassurance about H. Really not going to do much about him but wait and maybe torture him hehe...
And thank you for helping me feel less psycho about the whole manipulating thing. You are right it is natural to play games. Maybe people who act in a way that I have to play games with them deserve it anyways.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

47

Yes I know I am posting a lot today. Big whoop. I actually have access to a computer today so I am taking full advantage. I went on a binge because I was thinking too hard about H today and I was reading another blog about an amazing girl who was like... half of me. Slightly depressing... but very motivating. She made a mention of my comment on her blog so at least I don't feel like an outsider. Like a fat fuck ana wannabe even though I probably am.
H has not texted all day. I am starting an experiment that I probably shouldn't be. I decided to not text him on my own and see how long it takes him to worry about me. I don't actually expect him to text or call or even care before I run out of motivation to not text him. I think I am trying to prove something to myself too though. Like I'm not a whore or an attention whore or super effing clingy... something.
I have played games like this all my life. It may be messed up or manipulative or whatever but the fact that I am pushed to do it must mean I am messed up somehow to where I am deficient in attention or something. My mom has always been super emotionally distant. I don't ever remember sitting in her lap or having her attention. She never smiled at me or came to find me to spend time with me. She always just sat in her chair and read or looking things up on the web. I always had to fight to get any attention from her.
So anyways I always feel like I'm going to disappear. It's scary but it is a very real fear for me.
I have a conversation I had with H through text the other day that I'm going to share with you but I have to go fetch it from the hut really quick...
Okay I'm back. It looks like I started having a panic attack. This is from February 27-28th
.
ME: Tell me again why I can't just give up on life? I just ate and threw up a dozen cookies. I am never going to be thin and beautiful.


H: Stop that don't let your mind tell you that you are fat


ME: The world says I'm fat. They said Marilyn Monroe was overweight at 140lbs. I haven't even gotten to that yet. I am sooo tired of life. It's easy for you.
If I'm not out on my own by the time the girls get out of school I'll either kill myself or hit the streets again. I am fucking sick of people's shit.


H: The world is effin retarded. She wasn't overweight.


ME: I wasn't welcome at your dad's or with your friends or family and I am most definitely not welcome here. I am not welcome to living frankly. You can talk me out of that every day if you like but its fucking true. people like me, who have no friends and no one to care for them don't have anyone for a reason and I am a prime example of that. Even you have friends somehow and a family who doesn't hate you. The world is trying to tell me something and by staying alive I am not listening. I am fat and will always be fat and struggle with my looks. I despise my scars and yet I make more. I am not welcome to life. Let me go.
I'm a lost cause.


H: .......... Stop. Stop talking down about yourself


ME: I am only telling the truth. If I want to talk to you I have to seek YOU out. If I want to see you I have to find a ride and ASK if I can come over.
Your friend _____ was right. I should get the damn message by now. Ima stop coming over or texting. You won't do anything about it but say so sad oh well.


H: How do you know that's what I'll do.


ME: Because my entire life I have always played games like that. If I shut up will he talk to me? If I stop emailing will he try and figure out what happened?
It's my favorite way to manipulate people. If I cut and act like it hurts will they notice? If I don't eat will anyone care? Will anyone step forward?
If I disappear will anyone try and look for me? That one is my fav. I first tried it at age three when a neighbor drove me back, and the time after that- police.
It's what I do. I track people's moves and test them and manipulate until I can predict their every move. You have been my main subject before.
No one has ever passed. No one ever cares. No one gives a damn so long as it isn't their fault.


H: And what makes you think I won't care?


ME: Care? maybe. Do something about it? That would break my heart. I am forever in the background of my own life. Everything else is always more important.
Not trying to doubt you but I have been let down hundreds of times. And I'm not just generalizing.


After that I called him and apologized.
I have stopped talking and been left alone for months before. If I don't speak up, people forget I exist. My own family forgets I exist. If I went missing, who would look for me?
But I am going to try and have faith in H. Last time I made myself have faith in him though, he let me down and broke up with me. I must be an awful person for him to treat me like that. He's amazing. I would never forgive myself if I lost him. I don't want him to become the one who got away. It terrifies me. I'm afraid if I don't text him or show up anymore he will forget me and one day there will be a text saying he doesn't love me anymore or he met someone else. I am terrified of disappearing.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
H says yes.

46

I feel like a fat fuck so I can't eat. I literally cannot get myself to put food in my mouth. But that's a good thing... right?

***Weird***

So I started this collage I guess on my wall with skinny women that I cut out of magazines, but I always feel like they aren't skinny enough. Like if they don't look fat but they aren't small enough they don't inspire me at all. Anyways there was one I cut out where a woman is holding a measuring tape around her waste and I taped the name of miss size three jeans onto her and the number 3, and it was more for the number reminder not because I actually thought the woman was pretty or skinny.
My mom asked to come in and I forgot to cover it and she points at that woman and says, "you aren't trying to get that skinny are you? She's way too skinny. They must have photo shopped it." I told her no of course not and after she left I am sitting there looking at the woman thinking huh???
I didn't get it. She didn't look skinny at all to me. Are my eyes messed up or something?
So now I am wondering if this woman is really actually skinny and I can't see it or if my mom was just saying that to influence me or whatever. It's been bugging me for days...

45

So yesterday I was 162.6 lbs. and today I am 161.4 lbs.
I lost over a pound!
I created a new system for myself to help prevent binge eating.
I have a index cards to keep track of my system.
The back looks like this:


(175 calories or less per meal)
Today's Weight: 161.4 lbs
Difference: -1.4 lbs
Calorie total:


Then the front looks something like this:


3/4/2012
1.) 10:30 am
__________
2.) 12:00 pm
__________
3.)  1:30 pm
__________


And it goes on to meal 8 which is at around 9 pm, leaving three hours between my last meal and going to bed. Then I am not going for hours without food until I crave it so bad I binge. I fill in the food items in the spaces and how many calories it was so I can keep track, and I usually try to have at least two items so that it feels like I have eaten more and have more variety.
I had less than 1400 calories yesterday, even though I planned it for about 1400 calories a day I think. At certain meals I would feel good and eat less and sometimes I skipped a meal so I could eat a slightly larger meal the next meal. Because they are small meals I have time to work them off before the next one, and eating all day helps my metabolism.
It worked yesterday apparently.
Also I feel like I am eating a lot all day long so I eat less. My meal times are only about an hour and a half from each other so if I feel like eating more I can get myself to wait for the next meal time because it isn't too far ahead.
It's perfect! At least I think so...
and last night I wanted more food so I came in the house and took some carrots and some broccoli slaw which I just discovered existed by looking in the fridge by the way), and loaded me a plate and ate it with mustard so it wasn't so flavorless. When I want to binge I go for some extreme flavor like chocolate or salsa so it worked well for me. Mustard is zero calories. Carrots are about 9 calories each I think. And the broccoli slaw is 25 calories per serving. I made a smart decision.
And I am eating stuff like chocolate chip cookies and fudge pop tarts for my meals. Probably not as filling or healthy but that's what I have. I'm really excited for this new system.
My goal  is to be below 160 lbs by Monday which is tomorrow.
I don't like consuming so many calories at all but since I am losing weight I really can't complain...

Saturday, March 3, 2012

***My Brother***

Let me correct something I said in an earlier post. I am making a new post of it because this is an important issue I don't want to blend in. My brother didn't leave, he was kicked out. My mom also became tired of him and sent him to live with her parents. She still won't let him come back but he hasn't tried.
At my grandparents, he helped with my grandfather who has had many strokes and was close to dying. He's still alive but very very ill.
An aunt who lived nearby got angry, saying he had no right to live there and went into his room when my grandparents and my brother were gone and threw away a lot of his things.
He became friends with an elderly man who lived down the road a ways, and the two are now living together. My brother was able to become his caretaker and get paid a little bit to take care of him each month. The two are just barely getting by with the elderly man's retirement and/or disability, whichever, but it is low income housing called single occupancy. This means my brother is there illegally.
My mom is very displeased with my brother, and this is the reason why.
My brother considers himself a lesbian trapped inside a man's body. He isn't gay, he still likes women, but he also believes he is a woman on the inside. My mom being religious as she is, is very strongly against this.
He is my big brother, so I love him just the way he is and accept him for who he is.
I don't care that he is different, just so long as he is my best friend too.
He was lucky, but what happens if I get kicked out?

44

Well... I have been off meds for a while now. A week or two maybe? But I feel great- compared to how I felt on meds. I don't think I ever needed them.
H has been sick all week so I saw him a little on Monday and hung out for a while on Friday. He is being very supportive, but there are just some things I can't seem to get past.
I love the way he talks about my family though. To say the least he has an extreme hatred for my mom, and my parents in general. This isn't usually a good thing but in my circumstance it is refreshing.
My mom is refusing to pay for anything period. I can still have the money for the month bus pass, but after that nada. That is nothing new.
I got some food on the card yesterday and now I have food in my little hut so I don't have to rely on my mom for that. I asked for a little spinach earlier and she blew up in my face. It has been a storm all day since then. Granted it was not okay for me to call her a bitch and tell her to fuck off, but it startled me that she would blow up in my face like that. She is always blowing up over little things, and I just don't feel like being around her because I am afraid to be yelled at for anything and everything.
I still haven't gone to donate plasma. I didn't realize my bus pass expired on Wednesday until two days before and H has been sick all week so he didn't want to come with me.
I remember when I went into the ER the lady who put the needle in had to put the needle into my skin and then hold the vein and pop it to get the thing in. She said most people's veins don't pop like that. That may make me unable to donate plasma. I may be making excuses but... I'm not sure it's a good idea right now.
I am looking into selling some of my yugioh cards that I built so many memories with my brother with. The brother who wasn't always trying to strangle me anyways.
But it's hard letting that go. I am not a huge yugioh fan but I haven't seen my brother in years and only talk to him occasionally. I am very attached to the cards because they remind me of him. He gave them to me when he left.
I also might be able to sell a few of my drawings through my friends.
Getting a job is nearly impossible here though, and it may take quite a while to come up with any money at all. I need about 750-1000 to take the class I want to take that will be about five or six weeks and might get me a job. My chances will be immensely higher if I can take this class.
My dad was talking to me yesterday morning in the car about how because I have not gone and donated blood like I said I was going to, it was destroying our relationship so now they couldn't treat me like an adult anymore.
Then after the whole spinach argument my mom threatened to kick me out.
Before I turned eighteen she used to do it a lot. She used to tell me to just run away because she didn't want me there. Then when I actually tried she said if I left she would call the police on me. I am afraid it will be the same kind of manipulation again.
She will tell me to leave, essentially kicking me out. Then she will make it seem like I am the one leaving because she gave me the opportunity to do what she wants and I could have stayed. That makes it my choice. Then, she will tell me to stay and if I try to leave I can't come back. She will threaten me, asking me if I want to live on the streets. It will end with me staying because I don't have anywhere to go, and she will say I am making trouble and hurting everyone. I hate the manipulation.
At least when I manipulate I make sure it has a good god damned reason behind it. Like trying to help my sisters. They are in an awful place. I feel so trapped here. I'm afraid. Things are starting to fall back in their old patterns. I don't want this. If my mom continues to prevent me from living, what chances do I have for life?
My only hopes rest in my friends and those who support me.
And there are not many.

Friday, March 2, 2012

43

I feel fat. K was just dressing behind me and I turn around and she looks skinny as hell. I asked and she says she weighs around 170 lbs. How the fuck have I let myself go??? I can't be more than five fucking lbs less than her. How could I have let this happen? How long have I been this same weight???
Things need to change and fast. I need to stop binge eating and get off my fat lazy ass. Also, she came in saying how she could finally put her hair in a ponytails. I cut mine short again and I feel like crying. I have a fat fuck face and so I look disgusting and ugly. What I have done to myself is downgrading and cruel. If I really want things to get better I have to lose weight. Skinny means comfort, food means fat. I need to lose weight.
I can no longer live this way.
H's friend who told me to stop crying and get over him? She's size effing THREE. I want to be size 3. I will do better than that. I will be size two. Or even better? Size zero.
I need to be skinny.
I want to be pretty but how can I be when I keep mistreating my body by stuffing myself with fat fuck food like chocolate and chips. I can't go on like this. It is killing me.
Size ten and size twelve are not good enough. It's despicable. It's disgusting. It isn't even a passing grade. It is a failure. Just barely living is not good enough for me. I am better than that.
Size two, here I come.
Actually fuck size two.
SIZE ZERO. HERE. I. COME.